Update.

Whew, I need to stop abandoning this blog! I haven't been in the mood of writing lately, even though there is much I want to say. So here's an update of what's been going on in my life. I miss writing about nursing experiences, but I'm about to start my first job as a RN soon, so I hope hope hope that will get me back to writing. :)

Summer.

I like summer. After years of schooling, summer signifies a break for me. I’m not sure it will stay that way, now that I’m entering the working force—the real world, yo!—where you just keep on slaving away and summer will become just another season.

I’ve had two very interesting consecutive summers. Last summer, I was having the time of my life interning in New York. This summer, however, was quite the opposite. If last year I was in cloud nine, this year I often found myself in the deepest solitude. It doesn’t mean that it has been a bad summer, but it is just a summer full of introspections.

I graduated, I looked for a job, I didn’t get a job, I became a Registered nurse, I looked for some more jobs, and I finally got a job right at the eve of summer’s end. It was fitting, a full circle if I can say. I had many hopes at the beginning of this summer, but when those hopes didn’t materialize in reality and I found myself idle in this seemingly long summer, I realized that it was time to do some thinking.

As much as I was frustrated this summer, I am thankful that I had the time to reorganize my thoughts. Years of school being my priority did not leave much time to think about anything else, but now that I am done, I have all the time in the world to see things I had not seen before. I looked back to what has happened, to what God has done in my life, and to what I have become. Then, I looked to the future to set up new goals, to open myself up for new possibilities that God has in store for me, and to figure out what I want to become.

Life is about change, and knowing when to make that change.

Job.

The single word of “job” has overtaken my summer. The single quest to find one was enough to drive me nuts and leave me drained. But let me tell you the miracle of how I finally landed the job.

I had truly liked the unit where I did my last clinical at a highly reputable hospital in medical center. I had liked my preceptors. I had liked the unit director and the manager. I had like the nurses, the PCA’s, the unit secretaries, the whole staff basically. Although, I had not like this type of unit before I did this clinical, I had liked it two weeks into my clinical. Midway through the rotation, I started to feel like I know what I was doing and I was welcomed as a part of the team. A bunch of the staff had come up to tell me to work there after graduation, some had told me to come in wearing their uniform scrubs next time I’d come for clinical because I was already like one of their own, and even the patients’ meal service lady started calling me “baby co-worker”.

I gave my resume to the unit director two days before my last clinical. What I thought was supposed to be a short meeting between she and I turned out to be an encounter between she, the unit’s manager, the unit’s clinical educator, my preceptor, and I. They were all so excited about my desire to return, and the only rain on that parade was the lack of budget the unit had to hire more nurses.

I was disappointed, of course, but I kept in touch the unit director. We briefly exchanged emails ay the beginning of summer, and I never heard from her again. The summer saw me applying for various jobs and even interviewed, with no luck in landing an actual job. Also added to the equation was the complexity that is my international status. I was at my wit’s end trying to get a job.

I had lost hope for that unit, until on a whim, I decided to shoot the director an email saying that I had just passed my board and still interested to work there. She replied with words that she should hear about an opening in a week or two and that she had forwarded my resume to her recruiter. I thought it was just another false hope, so I didn’t think much of it. Lo and behold, the recruiter called a week later.

As I was talking to the recruiter, I kept waiting for her to schedule an interview. She never did. Instead, she scheduled for me to come in to take a medication exam. HOLD UP, I thought, medication exam isn’t supposed to be taken until one has passed all the rounds of interview and has gotten the manager’s seal of approval. Then, she kept on talking about doing background check and drug screen and paperwork, and I thought, WAIT A MINUTE, did she just offer me…?!

For a good week, I marveled at this fast turn of event. Did I just get a job?! OH YES I DID! Of course, I was still worried about my status holding me back, but they did not make a problem out of it. I claim this job in the name of Jesus, and as of now, I start orientation of my new job at the end of the month. I knew that this will come eventually, because I have faith that He will always come through. I just didn’t expect it to be this way with everything happening so fast once it started. But based on my experiences, He rarely does thing the traditional way. He’s funny like that.

The next level.

I’m content with my life, but I also know that, when God has finished a chapter, He has something better for the next one. Hence, I’ve been asking Him to take me to the next level. I need new challenges. I need experiences I’ve never had before. I need to build on my characters. But where do I go? What do I do? How do I prepare for this? How can I be a better person? It is a process, and it is not an easy one. I won’t know all the answers at once, but I’m willing to submit to His molding. That’s what I know for now.

One year.

While July 27^th marks the birthday of my twin nieces, it is also the day my Grampa died. The nieces that I have never met turn two this year, and the Grampa I’ve known my whole life has been gone for a year. It is an odd day for me, partly happy and partly sad, and the only common thing about it is that I yearn to see them.

I had been in New York doing my internship when I got the news that he was in the hospital, and my family had told me to stay put because he seemed to be on his way to recovery. However, almost a week later, when I asked my aunt again if I should go home that weekend, she said yes. I flew back on a Thursday and ended up staying home until the following Tuesday. He had been in the hospital for about 2 weeks, but we finally brought him home that Friday afternoon.

Early Sunday morning, around 5:30 to 6 am, my tearful Gramma woke me up. Being a student nurse at the time, the only one in the family who has medical knowledge, I was the first person Gramma called when she thought he had died. I rushed to his room, but I stopped on my track once I saw him. He looked different, and I knew he was gone. Nevertheless, I tried to find a pulse, begging God to let me feel one, but there was none. I looked at my Gramma and told her that, indeed, he was gone. I woke my uncles up, called my aunt, my brother, and my parents in Jakarta to let them know. That was a weekend I’d carry with me for the rest of my life. I don’t think I can forget having to confirm that my Grampa was dead and to break that news to the rest of my family.

A year flew by, and I thought of him often since then. I believe it’s safe to say that we all have missed him terribly. He was there through his grandchildren’s childhood, often visiting us bearing treats and taking us on a trip to the amusement parks, and sometimes, I just wished he could be here a little bit longer to see our life stories unfold now that almost all of us are grown ups. In the past 365 days, my brother J had gotten married and bought a house, my cousin C and I had graduated from universities—she a teacher and I a nurse, my cousin M had graduated from high school and is heading to college this fall, my cousin V had bought a house, my cousin K had given birth to E—his third great granddaughter, and my cousin S had gotten married. At every single of this event that we have celebrated, I wished he was here with us.

I know that he is in a better place and that he’s watching from heaven. However, I still can’t help but wish to have him here, there is a longing to see him walk down the aisles with Gramma at their grandkids’ weddings, to see him hold and play with his great grandkids, to see him be taken on a tour inside the houses that his grandkids own, to see him watch us graduate and be who we’re meant to be. More than anything, I wish Gramma still had him here with her.

The house has gotten quieter in the past year, and that has become our new normal. A new normal, in which we’d carry on with our lives, but, every now and then, we wish he was still here.

WTH?!

excuse the non capitalized blog entry. i just need to get this out of my head.

not gonna lie, i'm having a WTH?! situation right now.
no, not a moment.
a situation.
as in...it's longer and bigger than a moment.

no, it's not a bad "i'm hating this" kinda WTH?! but in a more..."i'm so confuzzled by this turn of event, but hey i'm going along with it" kinda WTH?!. what gives you may ask?

lemme explain.

for more than 5 years, i've wanted to be a nurse. i still do. i went through tough times, jumped a lot of hoops, and made sacrifices until i finally graduated from a nursing school almost 2 months ago (has really been 2 months already?!). i hold a bachelor of science degree in nursing, heck, i'm now a registered nurse. so i'm not wrong in expecting that i'd be doing a nursing job right about now, am i? like, you know, working in a hospital, taking care of patients, the way i have dreamed myself doing for the past, oh, five years? i'm not insane for thinking that it should happen right about now or anytime soon, right?

the reality is, i'm not doing that thing i've been dreaming myself doing for the past, oh, five years. a few months ago, i thought i had everything lined up and everything would go according to what i have dreamed myself doing for the past, oh, five years. but nope, as it is with life, it has a penchant for screwing over your plan. okay i take that back, not "screw over", i don't like to call it "screw over" because i believe that the big Guy up there always has surprises, and those always turn out beyond what i thought was best.

anyway, the point is, i'm not doing anything that i'm expecting and expected to be doing. not YET. i think "yet" is the key word here. jobs are scarce, even in the nursing field, which a lot of people don't believe but it's true. so finding a nursing job is harder than it used to, interviews are hard to come by, and competitiveness increases. not to mention my international student status that has become a hindrance. i believe the job will come. HOWEVER.

i'm doing something else right now that just comes out of the left field. something i've never dreamed myself doing in the past, oh, five years. it just sort of...happened, like a small snowball that grew ginormous as it rolls down the hill.

it's called...photography.

i've always have a thing for photos ever since i moved to the states 10 years ago. it came from being away from my loved ones, and wanting to share this new life i'm rebuilding with them. i'd buy film rolls all the time, making sure i was ready to capture every event to be sent back to my family and friends back home. as if i needed to let them know that, look, i'm okay here and this is what's going on with me. as if i needed to tell my parents that they made the right decision in sending me so far away at such a young age without them, because look at the pictures, i'm getting the opportunities they wanted me to have. it started from there, but i wasn't intrigued until eight years later (by this time i've said goodbye to rolls of film and have said hello to digital photography).

two years ago (ironically, this was also the time i started nursing school), i don't remember what sparked it, i became enamored with photos. i saw photos more than just a way to preserve memories. there is an art to it. there is a thought and a planning that goes into creating a photo. it's more than just a snap or a click. it's beautiful.

i then dived into the world of flickr. i'd become enraptured by the photos i see, the different subjects by the different styles of the different photographers. i wonder to myself, how can one creates images so...amazing? soon enough, i found a select group of photographers i like, and i follow their stream of photos daily. from those photographers, i started learning how to take pictures, and what to do with them afterward to make it your own.

it grew from an interest, to a hobby, to a serious hobby, and now to something possibly bigger that i've yet to know what to call it. when i posted pictures on my facebook, it was and is for the fun of it. i didn't expect the overwhelming positive responses i've gotten, and definitely didn't expect people to ask me for my photographing service. this is when the WTH?! comes in.

speaking of the now, i'm supposed to be doing nursing, but i find myself being asked "can you take my baby's pictures?" more than one occasion. so you see why this is a WTH?! situation for me? a confusing one at that? because i know more about nursing than photography. i went to school to be a nurse, not to be a photographer. i can figure out how to handle a crashing patient faster than i can figure out what aperture, shutter, and iso setting i need to use in a room. i can understand an ecg strip better than i can understand what those buttons are for in a photoshop software. i know very little about photography. my knowledge and technique are minuscule. there is a phrase "play it by ear", well, so far i play it by eye when it comes to photography.

recently, people have come out of the woods to tell me i have talent in photography. my nursing instructor said i could revert to it if nursing, by some weird kink in the universe, doesn't work out. my own mother said it and even encouraged me to take photography classes. some even went to say that perhaps i'm in the wrong career path and should switch to photography (to that i refuse to believe. i'm not in the wrong career path, i just have to make it bigger in the future for two careers. i can be a nurse and a photographer on the side, and i will be).

here i am, wondering, how on earth did this turn of event happen?! me, who's supposed to be a nurse right now and who only has a small grain of knowledge in photography, have people actually like my photos enough that they'd ask me to take photos of their kids?! taking pictures for someone is an honor, let me tell you, and these are their children they want me to take pictures of. so excuse me while i let out a big WTH?!

i'm not abandoning nursing. i'm a nurse. i still love nursing and it's still my priority. i'm still looking for a job, the job i've been dreaming myself doing for the past, oh, five years. for now, photography is just something that falls on my lap while i'm on this job search. but the rate it is growing, the irony, and the unexpected element of it are just enough to warrant a WTH?!. God makes life funny for me sometimes, and i'm like, haha *nervous laughs* good one, good one.

i don't know where this leads me. it's nice, i'm not complaining. i enjoy photography, it gives me a different satisfaction than what nursing gives me. but i'm just confused and wondering what's gonna come outta this and why now when i'm supposed to be doing something else. it's a good WTH?! though, because i'm going outside of the box here. photography isn't my comfort zone, it is an uncharted territory that's been given to me, and i'm taking it.

i don't know what He has up His sleeve at the moment, but alright, i'm going with His flow. but, for now, i just can't help but to let out a WTH?!....

.RN.

I know I haven't updated this blog in a LONG time, I've been tackled with job hunting and NCLEX prep and what not. But I just want to pop back in to say that I passed the NCLEX!!! OH. MAH. GAH. The time has finally come, the day is here. I logged in online this morning to see the quick, unofficial, result, and felt such an unbelivable rush of relief when I saw the word "pass."

This is the day I have in mind when I started this blog, that one day I'd get to write a post saying that I get to put RN behind my name. This is the day that has become my goal ever since I decided to pursue nursing, that one day I'd become a Registered Nurse. I dreamt of today, and I've worked hard for today, and it's an amazing feeling to finally arrive at today. It definitely worths the countless sacrifices, the hours spent studying, and the nights spent unslept.

Now that I'm one burden lighter, I will try to gather my mind and write a longer post or posts. I've been wanting to write about a bunch of stuff after I graduated but it's was just too much with too little time. So here's to hoping that I'll finally get to write those little thoughts out.

I'm here at a destination I've longed for, but my journey doesn't end here. If anything, it's just starting to get good. The road is long and there will be other destinations along the way. It's going to be one heck of a road trip and I'm looking forward for it. Like any great road trip, it's only great when you have a group amazing people who come along with you and make it bearable for you. Hence, I'm incredibly grateful for my people, those who were with me until I got here today, and I pray they stay on for more adventures.

Stay tuned, this blog ain't over! ;)

Weekly Happiness 3

Wow, another Sunday, another weekly happiness post. I'm quite liking making this weekly update more than I thought I'd be. Doing this forces me to find and remember things that make me happy and that I'm grateful of throughout the week, regardless of how simple they are. In a way, it lessens my complaints.

Anyway, onto this week's happiness:
1. Presented group project #1 and got an awesome grade on it.

2. For group project #2, we were required to write a paper and make a professional poster for our presentation. We designed the poster and put some content of the paper on it, then the school's IT team printed the big ass poster for each group. I was so happy that it turned out looking so well, especially proud that the pictures I took for the poster came out great on it. We'll find out our grade and if our poster wins or not on Tuesday.

3. A big group of us went out to lunch after group project presentation #2. Oh, it was such an awesome time together. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I really am going to miss them and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week.


4. My Sunday School kids did a presentation for Mother's Day and oh.mah.gah. I cannot stand the cute. They are precious, and I'm so priviledged to be their Sunday School teacher.

5.. I'm so giddy this week because, well, I'M GRADUATING NEXT SATURDAY and PINNING CEREMONY IS THURSDAY!!!! WOOOT WOOOT!!! I'm all set to go, I've applied to the board for my licensure, I've registered to take the NCLEX (just need to schedule it after graduation when the school sent the paper to the board saying that yes, I have graduated), and I've applied for my post graduation work permi.t (required for international students).

Finally, after these last two years of hard work, I am done. I have yet to find a job, which is a long story with my international student status and this issue deserves a post of its own. However, I am still so happy that I will soon be a nurse. This, too, needs a post of its own, which I shall write after finals. Oh yes, finals, I have two of those tomorrow and no, I have not an ounce of motivation to study. The most I've done is "study", thanks to senioritis.

Anyhoo, time to get back to "studying". Last final exams tomorrow! Wishing you a happy week!

Weekly Happiness 2

Oookay, I'm apparently not keeping up with the supposed Sunday night post of this weekly happiness. But last week, these made me happy:

1. I finished all my clinical! My last community clinical was on Tuesday and my nurse gave me a gift bag as a parting gift. She's amazing!


2. My friends and I went to the Chocolate Bar after our group project on Wednesday. Oh.mah.gah. We love that place! We got a big ass chocolate cake, 2 scoops of ice cream, and a candy bar cake. Mmm glucose....






3. My friends who didn't pass the HESI last month retook it agaon on Thursday. I'm so happy that most of them passed (despite the heartbreak for those who didn't) and will graduate with all of us. We went to celebrate that night.



4. I had lunch after yet another group project to celebrate my friend's birthday on Thursday. I'm really enjoying these outings with my nursing school friends as we're finishing up with school. I'm going to miss them once we graduate and won't see them every week.

5. I had my senior/graduation pictures taken on Saturday! I asked a friend from church to take it, and she graciously agreed. My bestfriend and her husband also tagged along, her being the creative director (because I cannot pose to save my life) and him being the assistant photographer. We probably spent around 2 hours in downtown area for the shoot. So.much.fun!

6. Then, we went to have crawfish at church afterward. That was mighty delicious! Yum!

Today is the last day of lecture, tomorrow is the last group presentation, next Monday is final exams, next Thursday is Pinning Ceremony, and next Saturday is GRADUATION DAY!!!

I'm so excited! I cannot believe that I started blogging my journey two years ago, and here I am about to end this part of the journey called the Nursing School. I don't have a job yet, still not finding any breakthrough in that area, but I have faith. A good hospital somewhere sometime (hopefully soon) will hire me and be willing to sponsor my paperworks. Amen!

I hope your week was happy and will be a happy one!

Weekly Happiness 1

So here's my weekly happiness that I promised on the previous post, albeit a day late (I was supposed to post it last night, but late is better than nothing, right?)

1. My car has some problem on Monday, but my brother and sister in law spent a part of their off day from work taking my car to the shop to get it fixed on Tuesday while I went to clinical. Then, I had dinner at their house. I'm grateful for them.



2. We had a group meeting on Wednesday, and went on another cupcakes run afterward. We got red velvet, coconut, and orange cupcakes.






3. I had a baking session with Yossi from In Love with Baking. Hilarious!

4. I brought the black forest cake I made with Yossi to another group meeting on Thursday and shared it with my group mates. They loved it!





5. I was inducted to Sigma Theta Tau, the international nursing honor society, on Friday. My youth group friends and I then went out for dinner and went to get desserts at the Chocolate Bar. I had a white chocolate ice cream with dark chocolate bits, mixed with girl scout thin mins ice cream. Best ice creams ever!


6. I went running at a park with some friends on Sunday evening, and that was a surprisingly fun time. I think yesterday was the first Sunday I spent outside the house from morning to evening, and not doing any school related work. I went to church, lunch, running, and dinner (although I only had a bow of shaved ice dessert). It was a very good Sunday. :D

So, basically, I had a lot of desserts this weeks. Hence, I am very happy. Haha. What can I say? I'm a desserts person.

What's your happy things from this past week?

Happiness is....

HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU

That's a song from "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" musical, and I've always loved it. It's simple, yet worth so much truth. The reason I'm posting it is because, goodness gracious, I've not been all that happy lately.

School has turned into madness with having to work on these different group projects that are due one after another, plus doing a couple set of 12 hour shift back to back 3 days in a row to finish the 170 clinical hours, plus the other clinical for Community class, and, of course, exams. To top it off, there is the whole issue with New York and hiring freeze and the decline in hospitals sponsoring international students like me. I've been one exhausted mess.

This past week, I did not stop until Saturday evening. Everyday of last week, sunup to sundown, it was was filled with class, exam, writing papers, reading research articles, clinicals, group meetings, and group presentation. That is until Saturday evening when my group and I left the school computer lab at 5 pm. In the past month, I've become impatience, bitchy, snappy, grumpy, and extra sarcastic. I've neglected my family, my friends, and other this and that's. I've been all over the place and I hated it.

So here's what I'm going to do. For the rest of the semester, for the 4 more weeks I've got left of school, I'm going to try to jot down things that makes me happy. I'm so tired of feeling so beaten up all semester long, and the end is near, and I want to be happy about that. So for every day for the next 4 weeks, I'm making a list, and I'll post it every Sunday night (I'll put extra effort to make that happens, hah!)

So let's start with the happy things of the past week, even though it's hard to find them:

1. The director & manager of the Medical unit I have my clinical at are very pleased with my performance, and the staff is very supportive to having me on board as a part of the team. The director is in the process to get an approval from HR to be able to hire RNs for the unit. I'm praying that she gets approved soon and will give me a call. I had a very positive responses from her, the manager, and the clinical leader when I handed my resume, etc. to her. Yay for a job prospect!

2. After the kind of group meeting where you can cut the tension with a knife (not pretty btw), a few friends and I went to get cupcakes to de-stress. Much to our surprise, the store owner later gave free cupcakes for each one of us. Cupcakes really do make all things well and happy again. :)

3. Despite spending a good chunk of our Saturday doing fire safety presentation (stop, drop, and roll, yo!) for kids at a clinic, and going back to school for more projects (plus my fender bender in the parking lot in stormy weather), we had a good time at lunch and many laughs looking at the pictures.

4. Had a down time Saturday evening with another group of friends to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was nice to sit back, relax, and chill. Of course, I spent the rest of the (short) weekend at my weekend getaway, also known as my bestfriend's house.

So that's for this past week. What are your happy things?

Passed.

I'd like to write more about this HESI after math, alas I'm bombarded with clinicals and studying (yes, already) for Monday's exam this week, so this will do.

I PASSED THE HESI!!!! A score of 850 is needed to pass, and I scored a 1000.6, which means I have a very good chance of passing the NCLEX! Huzzah!

All the glory goes back to God, I know I couldn't have done that well without His miracle. The whole 3.5 hours that it took me to finish those 160 questions, I was tachycardic, having cold sweats, nauseated, jittery, and on my way to hyperventilate. I had to constantly remind myself to breathe and focus, breathe and focus, breathe and focus. I remembered having a hard time to slow down in reading the questions after I returned from bathroom break, I had to mentally slap myself to stop rushing. It was the worst 3.5 hours of my life.

And when the screen revealed the score, I couldn't believe it. My instructor came over and patted me on the back, congratulating and telling me I had done wonderful, while I sat there slack-jawed. It was a relief I cannot describe.

Afterward, my friends and I went to lunch and had a couple of drinks, then joined another group at another bar, before finally settling at this cozy little bar, where out instructors also came out to celebrate with us. I have to say we have some of the most amazing instructors, who not have been nothing but supportive and helpful throughout our (almost) two years.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friends who didn't pass. It's hard to celebrate when your heart is saddened for them. Their second chance is within a month and I have faith that they will make it. I pray God grants them the wisdom He granted me this past Monday. I want nothing more than to walk in graduation ceremony in May with them.

HESI is over, a weight has been lifted. However, I'm still heavily busied with exams, group projects, papers, and clinicals. I cannot believe that it's only 6 more weeks until I finish nursing school. I long for the day when I can officially add "RN" behind my name.

HESI.

The HESI is this Monday, March 30, 2009 at 8 am. 160 questions of everything we have covered in nursing school. 6 hours allotted to complete it. A score of 850 needed to pass. Some schools require their students to pass the HESI in order to graduate, some don't. My school believes in the former.

A score below 850 means we take the second attempt in a month, and if we still don't pass, we don't graduate in May. We'll take independent study next semester and take the third and final attempt, a failure on that means we're out of nursing school.

You may think, "Hey, you have a second chance next month," but really, no one wants to take that chance. We all want to graduate and we all want to pass it on the first try. I don't think no one truly understands this pressure we're under except, well, us, and those who have had to take it. We have people, left and right, telling us that we will be fine, that we know these materials, that we will pass. As much as we appreciate the encouragement, and want to sit back and tell ourselves the same thing, we...find it hard to do so.

There are moments where I can tell myself that yes, I can do this, I'll pass. Then, there are moments where I am absolutely frustrated and scared out of my mind. As one of my friend put it, all our years of college come down to this exam on Monday. Everything we have worked for to get to this point come down to these 160 questions that will determine our fate. It's even more nerve-wracking than taking the NCLEX. At least, by the time you're ready to take the NCLEX, you have already graduated from school. For us, without passing the HESI, there will be no NCLEX.

So it's the Saturday before the HESI. Almost every one of my friends' Facebook status has conveyed these two words: anxiety and HESI. Our anxiety is in overdrive. We are freaking out. We are trying to de-stress from the pressure and at the same time staying focused. It is so. damn. hard.

We took a mini HESI last semester, and I scored over 1000, way better than expected. However, it was so...traumatizing, I guess, that I do not remember anything about it except for the anxiety I felt and when I got my score at the end. I don't remember any of the questions and whether I thought it was hard or not, which is odd because I usually have some kind of a semblance of the exams I've taken. Now, the anxiety I have is probably ten times that or worse. I just hope I don't go blank on Monday from it.

I'm praying for myself and everyone in my class to pass. We're on the same boat, all of us. In the last two years, we have kept each other going and inspired each other to be a better nurse, and there is nothing I want more than to see all of us succeed this Monday.

I'm just a human being overwhelmed by this mammoth of an exam, but my God is far greater than the HESI. When I start that exam at 8 am Monday, I know I'm not doing it by my own might for He is with me. If you believe in prayers, please pray for all of us in the Senior II class to do well on this HESI on Monday. If you don't believe in prayers, please send us good thoughts. We need it.

Jumping Hoops.

Today, I had two doors of job opportunities shut in front of me. Two disappointments and one dream job crushed in a matter of minutes.

I've been jumping hoops ever since I set foot in the States due to my international student status. As an international student, I have limitations such as not being able to work outside of school and not being able to receive most scholarships. Then, there is also the mountainous paper works and rules to follow to make sure you're not out of status. One step outside the line, and you're out of the country. I'm used to this. I'm used to the paper works, to not being able to have a part time job if there's not one at school, to not being able to get scholarship to pay for tuition. For years, I've adapted to this and I've sucked it up and gone on with it.

But I have never felt such anger in me until today when things were held against me just because of my status. It felt like everything I've been working hard for means nothing, because I didn't even have a chance to prove myself before I was told I cannot go further. It is unfair.

The hospital I interned at, the one I invested last summer, the one I counted on so much, told me they can't hire me because they don't sponsor immigrant visa. Even though I'll be on OPT (allows international students to look for a job and receive work training for a year after graduation), they won't hire because I'll only be working for them for less than a year, a year max. They knew when they hired me last summer that I was an international student, yet they never once mentioned the fact that they won't be able to sponsor me. Instead, I got encouragement to apply for their scholarship and employment, only to have both of those doors slammed in my face. I'm going to stop talking about them here, otherwise, it's going to turn into a hate mail.

Then the other hospital I had really wanted to work for--the one with the 3.5 GPA and no C's in nursing school requirements--scheduled an interview with me--whose GPA is lower than that 3.5, only to had to cancel it because they don't hire non-permanent resident workers. It was as if I had the dream not only within reach, but actually in my hands, then to watch it disappears in a second before I can start on making it happen.

After talking to several people, I realized that, with the current economy status, it is even harder for international workers to get a company that will hire them. The hospitals in the medical center here are on a hiring freeze, the numbers of employee they're hiring now is considerably lower than last year. I've heard stories of people accepting job offers, only to have HR called them and canceled on them. I've heard hospitals starting to close their doors on people like me, the ones without a permanent residency.

I'm not giving up on New York just yet. I'm still trying and I'll keep looking. Although, I have to start entertaining the idea of staying in Texas, I'm not quite ready to let go of my dream. Maybe, something good come out of this and I'll be able to move to NY as planned. Maybe, NY won't work and I'll have to stay in Texas. Either way, for now, I'm still fighting.

I have HESI in a week, and I need to focus on passing that instead of letting this lost get into me. I'm moving on. I have my faith, and I believe my future is in His hands. Whichever way it goes, there's always hope. Hope of better things, brighter future, and less hoops to jump. There's gotta be something better than this.

Special thanks and loves to my friends who have comforted me today as I cried, listened patiently as I ranted, and encouraged me to not give up on NY just yet. They are already the better things in my life.

Grateful and Humbled.

When I say right now, that I am grateful for my life and have been humbled to not take it for granted, it's not a cliche. That is truly my sentiment after hearing a news story in the recent days.

If you haven't heard, actress Natasha Richardson had a ski accident a few days ago, in which she fell and hit her head on the ground. She was fine immediately after, and it was not until an hour later that she started complaining of a headache and was taken to the hospital. Before that day ended, she was unconscious, suffering from swelling of the brain. The news are filled with conflicting reports, some say she's brain dead, some say she has not reached that state yet. Nevertheless, she has suffered from a hematoma, and now in critical condition.

I cannot get this news out of my head because I realized this could've been me when I fainted, fell down, and hit the back my head--hard--on the bathroom floor 3 weeks ago when I had a 103F fever. I didn't just fainted and fell once, but twice, although I didn't hit my head the second time. I remember the fear I had when I woke up seconds later to feel my head pounding and find myself lying flat on the bathroom floor. My immediate thought was not of why I fainted, but what can result from this within the next few hours or days.

The knowledge I have gained from nursing school told me that I could either get up, walk back to my bed, and have no effect from the fall, or I could get up, have headaches, and start projectile vomiting within an hour to a day or to a week time frame. When I got up from the floor, I had a gut feeling that I would be okay, that this wasn't going to turn ugly, but I very well knew I wasn't going to be out of the wood for at least a week. That day I wasn't praying for my fever to go down, instead I was fervently praying for no hematoma formation. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was praying for my life the rest of that day--or week for that matter.

When I told my preceptor of my fainting episodes, she immediately replied, "Oh my God, thank God you're okay. That's how people die! They faint, hit their head somewhere, and they think it's nothing. But then it turns ugly and they die." That pretty much confirmed that I wasn't being dramatic to be worried and afraid of the fall I had. What my preceptor said was exactly what I was thinking, and that was exactly what happened to the actress. She thought it was a minor fall, she talked and walked back to her hotel room, and then she went into a coma within short hours. Just like that.

My heart and prayers go to the actress and her family. I don't know them, but it's a very sad and unfortunate situation, and I cannot stop thinking that it could've been my family and I in the very same situation.

It's another reminder that anything can happen, to you and the ones you love, that life can be too short and unpredictable. So use the time you have now to love, to bless, to care, to be kind, to appreciate, to fulfill, and to be thankful of. Don't waste it, don't take it for granted. Do what you need to do, and say what you need to say before life takes an unexpected turn and you find yourself wishing you've done or said some things sooner or differently.

I am truly grateful that I am still alive today, and humbled that I was still given a chance to live.

ETA:
An official statement just came out from the family stating that she has passed away. I can't fathom what her family is going through. It's another odd feeling to realize what I had worried could happen after I fell 3 weeks ago actually happened, but to another person. And it's also a little eerie to think of what my preceptor had said after I told her the bathroom incident. I just had a different ending, a healthier and living ending.

What is this feeling?

As much as I'm at peace with my granmpa's death last summer, today I realized that I don't know if I'll ever be "okay" when I have patients in the similar situation my family and I went through that fateful July.

The first one happened last semester, and I wrote about it. At the time, I thought it was just a one time thing. It was my first and of course I was bound to feel...something. I thought it'd go away and but it didn't. Yesterday, I started to realize that one of my patients is dying and the family was finally able to made that difficult decision to let go of treatment and do palliative care instead. Today, everything is more...official, I guess. All PO meds are on hold, and the Morphine Sulfate surfaced in the order. Again, I got that uneasy feeling I did last semester.

I think what did it for me is seeing the Morphine PRN dose on the MAR first thing in the morning, just because that is the staple drug for end of life patients to keep them comfortable. It's become some kind of a sign for me that, yes, the time is near for that person. We were given doses of that, too, from the hospice care for Grampa when he went home from the hospital. I had to give him that, and so did my cousins.

Then my chest got thighter as I walked in the room. The patient is much like my Grampa was before he died. Eyes opened but no one is there. They can't talk and you wonder if they knew who you were, and you wish they remember who you were. They're just lying there, waiting for their time to come, and it's an excruciating wait for the family members.

It's a weird weird thing to experience, I can't say enough how uncanny it is to watch a dying person, especially when you've watched a family member went through it. I wasn't exactly sad or upset, I didn't feel like crying or breaking down. There is just...an uneasiness to it. There is a voice screaming in my head that this is the same thing as Grampa: the Morphine, the inability to talk, the waiting, the what happens when we bring him home, the ever present wondering of when he'd actually die. It keeps screaming I have been here before and I should never be reminded of it again.

But it's life. People die everyday, and unfortunately, you will witness that more times than you'd like. Heck, I'm only a student nurse and it already happened twice. My career awaits many a future experience of taking care and witnessing dying patients. After the first time, I thought I had to find a way to be okay with this, to erase that feeling out of me. But after today, I realized I can never make that feeling go away, and I'm accepting that I will forever be taken back to Grampa when that happens again. I will always take a sharp breath, my chest will always feel thight, and I'll always get this inexplicable feeling when I have a dying patient.

As if one dying patient isn't enough, the universe, of course, just has to mess around with me some more. Another patient on the floor, although wasn't mine, vomitted, had a seizure, and went into a code. (This was also a second code, the first one I saw was also last semester) Oh, the brouhaha of a code, there's nothing like it. It seems like, in a code, no matter how fast you're moving to get things, you are never fast enough. How many times did I hear that doctor yelled out "I NEED PROPOFOL 10 cc FAST!!! WHERE IS THE PROPOFOL?! GIMME THE PROPOFOL!!!" in the 10-15 seconds it took the other doctor to get the Propofol and have it drawn up in syringe? You're trying to bring someone back to life, get that heart beating again, breathe air into the lungs. It's a person's life literally in the hands of the many medical staff who rush into that room, and I don't think you'll ever be fast enough. No matter how experience and collected these people are, it's still a total and utter chaos.

Now, the code didn't do anything to me. It was actually exciting, to be honest. This patient was actually in a much somber situation than my dying patient, but I was fine. I've never had to watch a family member going through a code, having tube inserted down their throat, surrounded by doctors and nurses doing everything to revive them. After 30 minutes--that seemed like hours--the patient was stabilized and transfered to an ICU unit.

And then I knew there is a difference. In some cases, I'll be fine. In some others, I'll just have to deal with that weird feeling. That's just the way it goes now, and perhaps for the rest of my career. All in all, for me, it's still an other wordly experience to witness births and deaths. They make me appreciate and respect life more.

T-I-to the R-the E-the D.

Okay seriously, somehow, I must have managed to permanently implant this exhausted look on my face because the nurse director of the floor I'm doing my clinical at said to me today as I was leaving, "Wow, you look tired." And I thought, well, I am tired, but not nearly as I usually would after a 12 hour shift. I only pulled an 8 hours shift today, this is nothing! How tired do I look?!

Last Monday, the student life lady, whom I know fairly well, came up to me as she passed me in the school cafe and said, "Are you okay?" I, perplexed at the question, replied, "Well...I have been sick for the last 2 weeks. But I'm alright now."

"Ah, I can tell." Then I coughed and she shook her head, "Wow, you sound rough." And I thought, lady, you should've heard me last week. That was rough.

Now I'm wondering, goodness gracious, what is this haggard look I have plastered on my face?! I'm not feeling that bad.... Has the stress of nursing school finally managed to age me into looking like a 30 something stay at home mom with 4 kids under the age of 5?! Maybe I should do some Botox or plastic surgeries done like that octomom and look like Angelina Jolie. Ya know, 14 kids and little money but damn, I look like a supahstah!

And I'd be like, I have HESI at the end of the month and I'm studying my ass off, but damn, I look like I get 8 hours of sleep every night and not under any stress whatsoever! Take that, nursing school! Heh. I'm kidding, I'll never get anything done on my face. I'd like my forehead to have the ability to move and look...ya know...normal.

Next time you see me, just tell me I look great and glowing like the rays of sun on a cheerful Sunday morning. You tell me I look tired, I'm sending Cookie my ADD dog to maul you.

Sickity SICK.

I was going to write about how awful I have been feeling for the past week and a half. I mean, I was ready to go all out on this, because, dang it, I have never been this miserable from an illness in my entire adult life. The last time I was even remotely close to being like this was 3 or 4 years ago.

I’ve been MISERABLE. And I want to WHINE. Because that’s what sick people do, they whine. But then I thought, wait, I don’t want to do that. I am a better person than that, so I’m going to do the opposite. Because that’s what a mature adult would do, they’d look at the bright side and be grateful instead. So here it is

I’m grateful:

• That I am still alive and I’ll recover alright. I mean, a fever that broke only to come back less than a week later, plus the discovery of a palpable lump in your armpit, hacking coughs and congested nose that last more than a week? It’s no wonder that my mind started to wander to things I know could go wrong. The downfall of working in the medical field is that you see what can go wrong and you know very well it can happen to just anyone, including you, and that is the elephant in the room whenever something abnormal happens to you and your loved ones. To find out that this was an upper respiratory tract infection with early stage bronchitis and that lump was nothing more than an enlarged lymph node due to said infection? It was a big relief.

• That hey, I have one heck of a story to tell now! I mean, I fainted TWICE in the BATHROOM as I got up from the toilet seat. I fell back and hit my head on the bathroom floor the first time, I fell forward to the wall the second time, which was about 6 hours after the first one.
  
• That, as a student nurse, I have the skill and knowledge to know what caused those fainting episodes. High fever (Tmax 103) + period + getting up too fast = orthostatic hypotension. BP 108/72 lying down, and 88/50’s standing up? Not fun.

• That I was okay after I hit my head on the floor. That was a scary moment, finding yourself flat on your back, head pounding, and realizing you just hit that head on the tile, but you had no idea how hard you hit it. Again, as a student nurse, you know of all the things that can go wrong, but as you did neuro check on yourself to make sure you were indeed okay, there was a sense of calmness telling you that you were okay and no, you weren’t not going to have a hematoma.

• That, although I missed two weeks of clinical, I will still be able to make it up. I’m bummed that, while my friends are nearing to complete (or already have) their 100^th hour of the 170 clinical hours we have to complete this semester in order to graduate, I have only raked in a measly 44 hours. I will be the snail that finishes last at the end of April, but screw that, I’ve made peace with it and I’m okay with being the snail as long as I cross that 170^th hour mark before this semester ends.
  

• For my friends and family, who have taken care of me when I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, sent me well wishes, prayed for me, and made me laugh through all this. They’ve made my miserable days somewhat bearable.

• For my immune system. As much as I’d like to beg to differ, come think of it, God has given me a pretty darn good immune system. I rarely get sick, probably a couple minimal colds here and there per year, but nothing that would hold me down to bedrest like this. I even noted to myself last year that I was surprised I didn’t get sick a whole lot ever since I started nursing school. I thought with that high pressure cooker of a stress, I’d be crawling in and out of bed being sick as a dog several times a year. But I haven’t until now.
  
  
• For losing weight! I’M KIDDING! I’m not shallow like that. I actually hate losing my appetite, because my tummy hurts but I have no desire to eat. Plus, the Nurse Practitioner put limitations on my diet: no dairy and nothing complex, just broth with rice or noodle. Basically, my tummy can only handle soups for the time being. Blech. Now all I want is a tall cold glass of chocolate milk, which, obviously, I can’t have. Human being, always want what they cannot have. Ya don’t say!

So that’s it. I’m coughing less and blowing my nose less, which are good things. I still get tired easily, so I’m pretty much spending my days vegging on the couch on my computer or watching TV when I’m not napping. Yeah, isn’t that the life of a millionaire? Wake up, check emails, watch TV, nap, wake up, maybe try to eat, some more TV or computer, nap, try to write papers, more TV, bedtime (oh, and insert copious amount of coughing and blowing out nose in between).

My goodness, I am a BUM for sitting on my ass all. day. long!!!

But I’m a grateful bum, though…. Just sayin’….

Avaiable for hire.

I think I'm more productive when on bedrest than not.

I mean, I submitted job applications to 2 different hospitals already, and the only reason I didn't apply to the third one was becasue I'm too sick to get one document scanned.

Anyway.

Raise your hand if you think applying for a real job is scary? *raises hand*

Goodness gracious, I didn't know it could be that scary. I don't know, maybe it was the fear of rejection or something, but I was reading whatever it is over and over before I finally clicked submit. It's your life you're putting on the frontline. All your education and accomplishments that you hope are good enough to get you hired to do what you want to do for the rest of your life. I'm not one to beg, but after every job application I'm all, "Please, love me, want me, HIRE ME!" Okay, not a good idea to say that to the recuiter, that has crazy not mentally healthy written all over it....

So application to hospital A was submitted yesterday. I seriously wasn't expecting much of it because it was a very competitive hospital and my friend, who I think has better qualifications than me, had applied there before and received a rejection email. Sure enough, I got the rejection email on the same day I applied, which made me wonder if they sent out that email automatically. You know how you get an automated email after you applied saying your application has been successful? Well, with this hospital, you also get an automated rejection email. Because seriously, I think both of us are pretty darn good candidates. Heck, I even had letter of recommendation to boot. It really made me wonder what kind of super applicant they say yes to. Robot applicant maybe....

Application to hospital B was submitted today. This is the hospital I interned at last summer, so you can say I do have inside connection. I knew the recruiter, I have met briefly with the manager of the unit I want to work at, so I've given them head ups that I've applied. However, this doesn't make it less nerve wracking though. They did say that they have never turned away an intern, and my friend did assure me that we are already in, but still, it's a freaking real job on the line here! I have higher hope on this one than hospital A, of course. So we shall wait for a call back.

Hospital C, I'll hopefully apply tomorrow. I think I'll feel good enough tomorrow to go somewhere with a scanner for one more document and then I'm ready to submit. It's another competitive hospital--heck, all three of these are--but I somehow have hope too on this one, unlike hospital A, to which I felt rather indifference about. Out of the three, this one has the toughest criterie, I actually don't fit one of them but screw that, I'm still apllying. My GPA is thisclose to their 3.5 requirement and I just got invited to the nursing honor society. That should count for something, right? I have nothing to lose, I'm applying anyway.

So that is the tale of my job applying process. Less than a year ago, I did the same thing for an externship job and I got what I wanted. So here's to getting the nursing job I want (and need) this year!

Scary.

I had the scariest thing happened to me last night and this morning.

I had two syncope episodes in the bathroom, once at midnight and once around 6 am, and both after I got up from the toilet seat. It must be fever induced orthostatic hypotension, which is a conisderable drop in blood pressure when a person moves from a sitting/lying down position to a standing position.

I started running a fever yesterday, so my blood vessels are already dilated from the fever (Tmax 103 this am), and it's not helping either that I'm on my period. You add these together and you'd think, "Hmm no wonder this happened." I did remember I got up rather quickly from my bed to the bathroom, which just aggravated it. Still scary when it happened, nonetheless, especially when I had neevr fainted in my life before.

And yay for being a student nurse and having assessment skills. I can't imagine how freaked out I'd be if I had not been able to draw conclusion on what may have cause this, and had not known how to do neuro check on myself to determine if I had hit my head too hard on the floor when I fainted.

I don't remember anything from the first one, I got up and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. With the second one, I remembered more. I was feeling dizzy and seeing dark, which got me to think "Didn't I turn the light on already? How come it's so dark?" Then I fell forward and passed out. Ion ly fainted for a a couple seconds, and after the second one I called my aunt to get over here and bring me her blood pressure machine.

Sure enough, when lying down my BP was 108/72, and when standing up, it was 88/60. My aunt wanted to wait to see how I'd feel before we decide going to the doctor or not. I'm feeling much better now. No dizziness when I stand up, and I have gone to the bathroom twice since the second episode and didn't faint. I still have a 101.3 at the moment, but I'm gaining my appetite and energy back as we speak. So here's to hoping that the orthostatic hypotension is just a fever induced episode and nothing serious, and that I'll get better sooon.

I called in sick for clinical this morning, and definitely not doing any this week. I still have to study for Leadership/Management exam on Monday and finished my part in our group Community paper though.

That's all the update I have. I haven't had a chance to write on anything else, so this will do for now. If you believe in prayers, keep me in yours! :)

5.16.2009.

I just applied for graduation.

I will be walking in that cap and gown across the stage on May 16, 2009.

Wow, I, and the other 64 people in my class, finally get to say that. I don't know how they feel, but I'm pretty stoked about it.

But scared too, because ohmahgaah this is it I'm going to be a real nurse and how the heck am I going to do that when I feel so inadequate and incompetence and I don't know anything and jebus am I going to make it am I going to be a good nurse there are patients' lives on the line here!!!

Yeah, it freaks me out, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

School does its best to teach and provide us with experience, but it's nothing like the real thing. How many times have I gone to clinicals and come across drugs that I never heard before in class? How many of the machines I saw, when I had clinical at the Cardiac Recovery Unit that one time, can I name and tell you what they're for? Heck, I'm a senior II and how many IV have I put in? None. And how many venipuncture have I done? Only one, and that wasn't even on a patient, it was on my internship friend for a check off (and yes, my friend did one on me too).

But then, it always surprises me at how much I know that I didn't know I know before. I know, I just lost you right there. Do you know what I mean? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What I mean is that, the general feeling among the seniors is that we don't know anything. It's like, wait-how many conditions does this patient have? How do you pronounce this drug?! What is that futuristic looking machine is for? They did what on that patient?! Is he gonna cra--holy sh*** BP's dropping--fast--he is crashing! Will we know how to think and act critically? My own immediate answer to that question used to be "No.... I don't know...maybe?" But now I'm starting to think differently, in that I think I know more than I thought I do.

Today is an example, we had a 50 questions pharmacology exam that wasn't counted for a grade, just to see what we know so far; students usually don't do so hot on this impromptu exam. During the review, the instructor asked, "Once you start Iron therapy in an anemic person, how many days will it take until you see some improvement?" There was a lot of answer thrown out, "a month" being the most common I heard, but "120 days" just rolled off my tongue. I wasn't shouting it out to be heard to the class, more like saying it to myself, and I didn't hear if anyone else has shouted "120 days" also. I was just thinking, "120 days, that's the lifespan of adult Red Blood Cells, you have to wait 120 days for the new RBC's to see some result from that Iron."

And I was right.

My exact thought at that moment was, "Huh. Where did that come from?! How did I come up with that?!" While the grade of that exam is a failing one by the school's standard, it's still better than what I expected and it's higher than the class average. I've been surprised at myself a lot--especially in the last semester, perhaps it's time for me to start setting higher expectations of myself.

I guess what I need to keep telling myself from now until that May graduation day is that I am more competent than I thought I am, and I am more than I give myself credit for. I have been pushing myself to trust my gut and go for it for the past year, and I've found out that--actually--more often than not, I was doing and/or saying the right thing. It's like this whole nursing thing has finally been coming together in my head, unbeknown to me, and I am now starting to realize it. Although, I still have to admit that believeing in yourself is sometimes easier said than done in this world.

There is still much learning to be done and confidence to be built in on my part.

But you better your bottom dollar I'll be as ready as I can be when 5.16.2009 comes along.

Huh. That's weird....

You know what I've been noticing?

I cannot recite my cell phone number in my native tongue.

No, I am not kidding.

Everytime someone--who speaks my first language--asks, I'd start telling them in said language but when I get to the last 4 digits I have to stop and cannot, for the life of me, remember it in that language. I have to repeat the number again in my head in English and resort to saying the rest of the numbers in English.

This happens every.single.time. Am I weird or what?!

Do you also wanna know what else I've known all along but has just been confirmed now?

I am slightly deaf. Or even mildly deaf.

I've known this. I find myself asking for a repeat whenever someone speaks really soft or whisper. Last year when we practice for head to toe assessment check off, I sometimes couldn't pass the whisper hearing test, to a point where my partner and I promised on what words she was going to say (Wednesday to the left ear, Saturday to the right ear) so I would be able to say those for sure instead of keep asking "what?!" and end up distracting her assessment routine (we were already a nervous wreck doing a 30-40 minutes routine under the watchful eyes of our instructor). Then last Wednesday as we practice hearing and vision screening for a check off, we did the Sweep hearing test on each other with the machine and I couldn't hear the last 4000 Hz on a 25 decibel. Forgot how far my friend went up on the decibel before I can finally hear all three of the 1000 Hz, 2000 Hz, and 4000 Hz. Or maybe it was so bad and embarrassing that I am in denial and choose to forget it.

My vision is already not perfect--although, it was a relief that I still have 20/20 on this prescription, which hasn't gone up in two years based on my early exam. Then I have this memory confusion thing. And now I have hearing problem, too? Will a hearing aid be in a near future? Gah, I am such an old person!

They better give me senior discounts for this crap.

For serious!

Ready to launch.

I have been thinking.

A lot.

I have put in so much into this decision and I'm going to commit to it and do my parts to go through with it.

I'm moving to New York City in June 2009.

For some people, this isn't a surprise, even for you (I have no idea how many--if there is any) if you've been following my blog because I've talked many times about my amazing summer there. But now, now I'm saying it out loud and putting it out there. I didn't just make this decision in the time following my summer stint there. Although it sealed the deal, my journey to have come to this point began more than 3 years ago.

I visited NYC for the first time in 2005, and I fell in love. There is just something about it that charmed its way into my life and managed to stay since then. For a while I thought I'd move a year or two after graduation, but for the last year or so I knew if I'm ever going to make this dream of mine come true, I have to move right after graduation. Then the internship fell into my lap, an offer I couldn't refuse, and the 3 months I spent there confirmed every reason I have for moving and drove away every doubt I had about making the move--okay, maybe not entirely drove away the doubts, but those doubts were greatly minimized to a point where I am not afraid of them anymore.

A lot of people want to move to NYC, it has a lot to offer: the fun, the lifestyle, the people; it's the best City in the world, they say. I have many reasons too. Out of the places I have traveled to in the U.S., NYC is on top of the "Yeah, I can see living here..." list. I just feel like I fit there, and I am not alone in thinking this way. My family and friends are very supportive and encouraging, telling me that they, too, can see me living there and making it.

I've been where I live now ever since I moved to this country, that is 9 years ago, and by now, I'm getting restless. I want to go to the next level of my life, where I'm out of my comfort zone, where I can grow as a person, where I can open my eyes and see more of what this world can offer, where I can meet new people, where I can make a difference. I'm young and this is my time to spread my wings, if we want to be cliche here.

Having said all of this, I do think that I'm not going to live there forever. I do feel very strongly that once I'm settling down, I'll move somewhere calmer, even come back to this Texan city that has been my second home. In my 23 year old mind, there is no way that I see myself raising a family in the jungle that is New York City, but this will be another decision I will have to make when I get to this bridge years from now. For now, let's just deal with actually moving there first before any thoughts of moving away from there.

This decision has been more than 3 years in the making and you have no idea how much I am relieved and excited to be able to say it out loud that yes, I am moving to New York City in June 2009. Yes, I am and will be making arrangements from now till then. Yes, if God's willing, I'm going to start my nursing career and a new life there.

With my last semester of nursing school--oh man, I can't believe I get to finally say that, my.last.semester. Wow, where has time gone?--starting next week, I'm excited and nervous all mushed into one. A lot will happen within the next 5 months let alone in the rest of the 12 months of this year, in a life changing way at that--applying for jobs in the City, job interviews, HESI, graduation, moving, NCLEX. It's overwhelming I can barely keep my head from exploding.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to launch this year. I'm ready for what may come. I have my faith, I have my family and my friends, I have myself to carry me through. Intermission is almost over, let's get Act II of the Senior Year rollin'!

Silenced.

Today was supposed to be an exciting day. My bestfriend is getting married tomorrow, and today is the wedding rehearsal, and we're all getting so pumped up already.

But this morning I woke up with a call, informing me that one of our friends at church has died this morning at the hospital. I knew she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks already, admitted from bouts of stomach ache and throwing up to a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer stage 3, but I still didn't see this news coming. I saw her last on New YearIt's Eve, she was weak but in good spirit. She was only 28 years old.

I'm saddened, for her family and for all of us who have lost such a sweet and kind friend. She is loved by many and will be missed. I'm asking everyone to send her family good thoughts and prayers, even if you don't know them.

It's just a reminded, once again, that life is simply too short and we will never know where it's going to take us. Here we are, ready to celebrate this wedding tomorrow, almost everyone at church is involved or at least will be at the wedding, yet today, we received this horrible news. It's ironic. She was going to be an usher at the wedding, but I believe this morning the angels has ushered her into the gates he heaven.

I will miss you, L.