5.16.2009.

I just applied for graduation.

I will be walking in that cap and gown across the stage on May 16, 2009.

Wow, I, and the other 64 people in my class, finally get to say that. I don't know how they feel, but I'm pretty stoked about it.

But scared too, because ohmahgaah this is it I'm going to be a real nurse and how the heck am I going to do that when I feel so inadequate and incompetence and I don't know anything and jebus am I going to make it am I going to be a good nurse there are patients' lives on the line here!!!

Yeah, it freaks me out, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

School does its best to teach and provide us with experience, but it's nothing like the real thing. How many times have I gone to clinicals and come across drugs that I never heard before in class? How many of the machines I saw, when I had clinical at the Cardiac Recovery Unit that one time, can I name and tell you what they're for? Heck, I'm a senior II and how many IV have I put in? None. And how many venipuncture have I done? Only one, and that wasn't even on a patient, it was on my internship friend for a check off (and yes, my friend did one on me too).

But then, it always surprises me at how much I know that I didn't know I know before. I know, I just lost you right there. Do you know what I mean? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What I mean is that, the general feeling among the seniors is that we don't know anything. It's like, wait-how many conditions does this patient have? How do you pronounce this drug?! What is that futuristic looking machine is for? They did what on that patient?! Is he gonna cra--holy sh*** BP's dropping--fast--he is crashing! Will we know how to think and act critically? My own immediate answer to that question used to be "No.... I don't know...maybe?" But now I'm starting to think differently, in that I think I know more than I thought I do.

Today is an example, we had a 50 questions pharmacology exam that wasn't counted for a grade, just to see what we know so far; students usually don't do so hot on this impromptu exam. During the review, the instructor asked, "Once you start Iron therapy in an anemic person, how many days will it take until you see some improvement?" There was a lot of answer thrown out, "a month" being the most common I heard, but "120 days" just rolled off my tongue. I wasn't shouting it out to be heard to the class, more like saying it to myself, and I didn't hear if anyone else has shouted "120 days" also. I was just thinking, "120 days, that's the lifespan of adult Red Blood Cells, you have to wait 120 days for the new RBC's to see some result from that Iron."

And I was right.

My exact thought at that moment was, "Huh. Where did that come from?! How did I come up with that?!" While the grade of that exam is a failing one by the school's standard, it's still better than what I expected and it's higher than the class average. I've been surprised at myself a lot--especially in the last semester, perhaps it's time for me to start setting higher expectations of myself.

I guess what I need to keep telling myself from now until that May graduation day is that I am more competent than I thought I am, and I am more than I give myself credit for. I have been pushing myself to trust my gut and go for it for the past year, and I've found out that--actually--more often than not, I was doing and/or saying the right thing. It's like this whole nursing thing has finally been coming together in my head, unbeknown to me, and I am now starting to realize it. Although, I still have to admit that believeing in yourself is sometimes easier said than done in this world.

There is still much learning to be done and confidence to be built in on my part.

But you better your bottom dollar I'll be as ready as I can be when 5.16.2009 comes along.

Huh. That's weird....

You know what I've been noticing?

I cannot recite my cell phone number in my native tongue.

No, I am not kidding.

Everytime someone--who speaks my first language--asks, I'd start telling them in said language but when I get to the last 4 digits I have to stop and cannot, for the life of me, remember it in that language. I have to repeat the number again in my head in English and resort to saying the rest of the numbers in English.

This happens every.single.time. Am I weird or what?!

Do you also wanna know what else I've known all along but has just been confirmed now?

I am slightly deaf. Or even mildly deaf.

I've known this. I find myself asking for a repeat whenever someone speaks really soft or whisper. Last year when we practice for head to toe assessment check off, I sometimes couldn't pass the whisper hearing test, to a point where my partner and I promised on what words she was going to say (Wednesday to the left ear, Saturday to the right ear) so I would be able to say those for sure instead of keep asking "what?!" and end up distracting her assessment routine (we were already a nervous wreck doing a 30-40 minutes routine under the watchful eyes of our instructor). Then last Wednesday as we practice hearing and vision screening for a check off, we did the Sweep hearing test on each other with the machine and I couldn't hear the last 4000 Hz on a 25 decibel. Forgot how far my friend went up on the decibel before I can finally hear all three of the 1000 Hz, 2000 Hz, and 4000 Hz. Or maybe it was so bad and embarrassing that I am in denial and choose to forget it.

My vision is already not perfect--although, it was a relief that I still have 20/20 on this prescription, which hasn't gone up in two years based on my early exam. Then I have this memory confusion thing. And now I have hearing problem, too? Will a hearing aid be in a near future? Gah, I am such an old person!

They better give me senior discounts for this crap.

For serious!

Ready to launch.

I have been thinking.

A lot.

I have put in so much into this decision and I'm going to commit to it and do my parts to go through with it.

I'm moving to New York City in June 2009.

For some people, this isn't a surprise, even for you (I have no idea how many--if there is any) if you've been following my blog because I've talked many times about my amazing summer there. But now, now I'm saying it out loud and putting it out there. I didn't just make this decision in the time following my summer stint there. Although it sealed the deal, my journey to have come to this point began more than 3 years ago.

I visited NYC for the first time in 2005, and I fell in love. There is just something about it that charmed its way into my life and managed to stay since then. For a while I thought I'd move a year or two after graduation, but for the last year or so I knew if I'm ever going to make this dream of mine come true, I have to move right after graduation. Then the internship fell into my lap, an offer I couldn't refuse, and the 3 months I spent there confirmed every reason I have for moving and drove away every doubt I had about making the move--okay, maybe not entirely drove away the doubts, but those doubts were greatly minimized to a point where I am not afraid of them anymore.

A lot of people want to move to NYC, it has a lot to offer: the fun, the lifestyle, the people; it's the best City in the world, they say. I have many reasons too. Out of the places I have traveled to in the U.S., NYC is on top of the "Yeah, I can see living here..." list. I just feel like I fit there, and I am not alone in thinking this way. My family and friends are very supportive and encouraging, telling me that they, too, can see me living there and making it.

I've been where I live now ever since I moved to this country, that is 9 years ago, and by now, I'm getting restless. I want to go to the next level of my life, where I'm out of my comfort zone, where I can grow as a person, where I can open my eyes and see more of what this world can offer, where I can meet new people, where I can make a difference. I'm young and this is my time to spread my wings, if we want to be cliche here.

Having said all of this, I do think that I'm not going to live there forever. I do feel very strongly that once I'm settling down, I'll move somewhere calmer, even come back to this Texan city that has been my second home. In my 23 year old mind, there is no way that I see myself raising a family in the jungle that is New York City, but this will be another decision I will have to make when I get to this bridge years from now. For now, let's just deal with actually moving there first before any thoughts of moving away from there.

This decision has been more than 3 years in the making and you have no idea how much I am relieved and excited to be able to say it out loud that yes, I am moving to New York City in June 2009. Yes, I am and will be making arrangements from now till then. Yes, if God's willing, I'm going to start my nursing career and a new life there.

With my last semester of nursing school--oh man, I can't believe I get to finally say that, my.last.semester. Wow, where has time gone?--starting next week, I'm excited and nervous all mushed into one. A lot will happen within the next 5 months let alone in the rest of the 12 months of this year, in a life changing way at that--applying for jobs in the City, job interviews, HESI, graduation, moving, NCLEX. It's overwhelming I can barely keep my head from exploding.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to launch this year. I'm ready for what may come. I have my faith, I have my family and my friends, I have myself to carry me through. Intermission is almost over, let's get Act II of the Senior Year rollin'!

Silenced.

Today was supposed to be an exciting day. My bestfriend is getting married tomorrow, and today is the wedding rehearsal, and we're all getting so pumped up already.

But this morning I woke up with a call, informing me that one of our friends at church has died this morning at the hospital. I knew she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks already, admitted from bouts of stomach ache and throwing up to a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer stage 3, but I still didn't see this news coming. I saw her last on New YearIt's Eve, she was weak but in good spirit. She was only 28 years old.

I'm saddened, for her family and for all of us who have lost such a sweet and kind friend. She is loved by many and will be missed. I'm asking everyone to send her family good thoughts and prayers, even if you don't know them.

It's just a reminded, once again, that life is simply too short and we will never know where it's going to take us. Here we are, ready to celebrate this wedding tomorrow, almost everyone at church is involved or at least will be at the wedding, yet today, we received this horrible news. It's ironic. She was going to be an usher at the wedding, but I believe this morning the angels has ushered her into the gates he heaven.

I will miss you, L.