Bottom.

I failed my first Psych exam today. Even though I kind of had an idea that I won't do too well and that I might even fail, it still stings when I actually realized that I had indeed failed this exam, miserably at that.

Due to Ike, I had 2 exams between yesterday and today, plus all of the wedding hoopla last week proof to be a mighty hell of a distraction. I knew that it wasn't going to be well for me, having to manage however little study time I've got left for 2 subjects. I'm trying not to blame other thing or people, I have myself to blame. I wish I have better time management skill, I wish I can focus better. As much as I want to blame the wedding for taking away my study time, I don't think it's fair for me to do so. It's my brother getting married, I was expected to help and and be at family dinners. I did have a good time at the wedding, not as much as I'd like though, I have to admit that. In the back of my mind, I was constantly panicking about the lack of studying I've done all week.

But oh wells, what is done is done. I failed. Official grade has not been posted, but we did a review after the exam and based on how many wrongs I counted, I knew I didn't pass. I'm so angry at myself, so disappointed. I have never failed to this level of craptastic in my academic career. Never. I failed my first Assessment exam back in Junior I, but my grade was only 1 point shy of the passing grade. This time? I don't even think if my instructors throw out some questions will help me. I really did screw up that bad.

Perhaps, this is the kick in the ass that I needed to get serious and get my focus back on school. I know I'll get back on my feet, put this behind, and think positively for the upcoming exams, but for the time being I'm moping and beating myself for this.

Wanna ask me open ended questions?

Autumn. Fall. It's usually my favorite season. But not this year.

In the aftermath of Ike, the schedule for this semester is as messy and scrambled as Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' divorce. It's got the hospitals involved, the required clinical hours involved, the lectures and exams involved. There are hospitals that don't want to deal with us just yet, leading us in the dark as to when we can come in for orientation and to actually start clinical, there are a week worth of materials need to be lectured, there are postponed exams need to be taken. So far, for my clinical section, we have settled 2 orientations out of 3 this week, 2 exams next week, 1 exam the week after, and that's it. It's just this mammoth of uncertainty at the moment.

Also, this week is known as the Brother #2's wedding week, also known as the week my studying time will be cut down due to family related event in which I will put pageant like smiles on my face as I greet the soon to be in-laws of Brother #2 with higher than usual pitch voice to convey as much as glee as I can squeeze out of my current frustrated, anxious, dark, and gloomy state. I should put a name tag that says "Hello my name is Cee, yes I am the sister, and I'm also a nursing student, so forgive the less than bright and cheery appearance, I'm trying my best to think of rainbows and roses for this occasion that I truly am happy about, but it's just that nursing school is kicking my ass and Ike just ruined what was a bearable semester into one that will undo me. So if I have a faraway look on my face when you're talking to me, it's not that you're boring or I don't like you, I'm just trying to recall the materials for my exams next week."

The thing is, the sufficient study time to pass me is there but I'm just feeling I'm going to be so damn exhausted all week, I already am. This week will be the death of me.

Please send fluffy cotton candies, ponies, chocolates, rainbows, pots of gold, and fairy dusts to the newly opened Things to Keep Cee From Pulling Out Her Hair and Headdesking Too Much donation box, I greatly appreciate it.

Back to school.

After a week off school post Hurricane Ike, we are back on tomorrow. I don't feel like going back to be honest with you, I'm dreading how crazy our schedule is going to be since we have lectures, exams, and clinical orientations (and clinicals itself because we postponed the orientation). Psych test #1 on Tuesday has been canceled, which is such a relief for me since I didn't get much studying done all week. It's difficult to concentrate on studying during all this chaos, plus my mom arrived on Thursday, so I've been taking her around, making good of my time off.

*sighs* Back to regular programming tomorrow.

Let there be light.

My house now has power back, wooot!!! After 4 days of living in the dark and without AC, we finally can lay to rest the flashlights and candles. Thank God! School is out until Wednesday, the rest of the week is still unsure. I'm trying very hard to focus and study but such is a difficult thing to do.

On another news, my mama will arrive in TWO days! Wheeeee :D I haven't seen her in 6 years, I've missed her so. Can't wait can't wait can't wait!

So I heard India Arie's Summer for the first time today and, boy, did that make me miss summer. I've thought about those summer days a lot.

"Goodbye summer, I hate to see you go. I wasn't ready for the autumn wind to blow."

Damn right, I surely wasn't ready for Ike to blow and wreck havoc on this city the first month of autumn.

"My heart is frozen in this place, waiting for another summer's day to bring you back my way."

True...true..., but more like to bring me back that way to New York.

I've been thinking how much I miss the fast pace of New York. Maybe that might sound weird for some to hear, I've heard a lot of "NY is too busy for me", and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not planning to live there forever either. When I'm older with a few kids in tow, I will appreciate the slow and relaxed pace of Texas.

But for now, I miss the climbing 4 flights of stairs to get to that apartment in Astoria and climbing more steps to get to the subway, I miss the walking and maneuvering my way through the human traffic that is the New York sidewalks, I miss the convenience of having 3 grocery stores in the 6 blocks between the subway station and the apartment, I miss being able to walk into the cozy bakery across the street from the apartment for a dessert fix anytime of the week, I miss ordering take outs that aren't just pizza, I miss the plethora of restaurants the City has to offer, I miss the smell of falafel, kebab, and hot dogs as I walk down the street, I miss going to Broadway shows and summer concerts at the parks.

*big sighs*

Most of all, I've missed the people I met there the most.

Recuperating.

Ike has passed, but boy did leave some imprints in this city. Some parts of town are better than the other, some are worst, some have electricity back already, some don't. People are starting to get out of the house, searching for gas for their cars, searching for hot food that they can't cook at home, searching for basic supplies such as water, ice, batteries. Traffic lights are swinging from the post, tree branches blocking the street, fences broken on the ground, signs and billboards torn. Those are some of the scenes I saw as I drove today. The good thing is that I don't see much flooding.

I think I can safely say that all schools are out tomorrow, including mine, meaning Peds exam #1 will be postponed. I'm glad it's postponed because none of us was able to concentrate on studying amidst the chaos that is this hurricane. We don't know when school will reopen, but we have been warned by our instructors that they will do whatever it is to catch us up with our syllabus, even when it means coming to class on the weekends or other extra days/hours. So it's also safe to say that my schedule is going to be even more bizarre after all of this.

So that's a weekend with Ike. I hope there will be nothing like this anymore in the future.

ETA pictures:

Stormy weather.

Well, I am one year older now, it's official. The best present yet? Having the power and internet back on. Nothing is better than the light suddenly coming back on when you were on the verge of frustration because it was hot and you can't go to sleep and it was only 11 pm and the only reason you were trying to go to sleep was because there was nothing else to do because the power was out. There. And I am now eating chips and salsa, yum. Not cutting the cake yet, because I'm already eating enough junkie food as it is, let's not add cake past midnight. Alright that's the update as of now, still windy and a little raining outside.





22:11 -- So I've been without power and internet until now. Even now I'm at my aunt's, my house doesn't have power and internet just yet. We're all fine, no damage nor flooding to either house, so it's all good. I went to bed around 1 am last night, and that was when it started raining really hard. I got some sleep but I remember the sound of the wind and rain being so scary. This was definitely a birthday to remember.

The calm before the storm.

First off, let me tell you the nightmare that is trying to get home yesterday. I got out of school early, and obviously so did everybody else from their job and what not because when I got to downtown to catch the midday bus, there was a line already forming. Soon enough, the bus came and it was full, there wasn't even any standing room left. Several people left the line to walk a few block to the previous bus stops, but boy oh boy, the line at every stop is no better. I ended up walking a good 15 blocks to the very first stop for that bus (all that walking in New York came in handy) and waited there.

The the bus service finally sent it free shuttles to cater to the large amount of people trying to get home. Alas, we found out that the HOV lane on the highway is closed. Wth?! And as you can imagine, traffic is horrendous, so the bus driver was kind enough to agree to try whatever route she can to get us home. We ended up taking this small backway and eventually made it to the Park & Ride. I got out of school at noon, got to downtown at 12:20, got on the bus at 13:05, got on the Park & Ride at 14:40, and finally made it home at 15:00. What an adventure.

Today, we should be getting the effects of the hurricane already, even though landfall is not expected until Saturday 1 am. When I look outside now, the sky is clear and everything is calm, but the wind has already made its presence. Not a strong wind yet, but it's noticeably more windy that any day in the past week. It is very unnerving to know that this wind will increase as the hour goes, and what now is a 17 mph wind is expected to be 71 mph at 4 am Saturday.

I can't imagine what it will be like, but we're as ready as we can be. We've got water and food and things alike, the backyard is rid of things that the wind can pick up, so for now we're just sitting, hoping, waiting.



ETA:
15:10 -- I'm still watching the sky turns darker and wind grows stronger as the hour passes, 17 mph it is not anymore. Cousin M has taken Gramma to Cousin K's house at another part of town to stay with her and her family. Now there are only Cousin K2, my brother, and I at home. Cousin K2 and I are thinking of heading over to our Aunt's a couple of streets down later this evening so we could all be under one roof as we ride out this storm. My brother has decided to stay put at home, at least we'd be in the same neighborhood so that gives me some kind of a peace of mind.

The house is very quiet, as is the street, a few doors are boarded up. It is quite eerie to watch actually. Most of my friends and family at the other parts of town aren't in the mandatory evacuation area so we're staying put, and it's a comic relief to read everyone's Facebook status. Who would've thunk there is a million ways to say we're basically ready, albeit anxiously, awaiting Ike.

There is a birthday cake in the fridge, we'll be cutting that on Saturday stormy weather or not. My uncle, Cousin K2, and I have September birthdays, so we'll have some good moments at the least. I'm hoping everyone stays safe.

17:57 -- My brother, Cousin K2, and I just decided all three of us will stay at this house instead of going to my aunt's. Not going to have my brother here by himself, and not going to leave this house unattended. Trees branches are moving, the sky is a shade of gloom, and you can now hear the "woosh" of the wind every now and then. I'm just waiting for the first drop of rain, it should meet the ground at 20:00.



23:22 -- After losing power and internet around 19:00, we now have power and internet back. Cousin K and I went to our aunt's house after all while my brother went to the hotel where his fiance works. I don't know how long we're going to have this power and internet back on, but boy it's a good feeling. Surprisingly there is no rain yet, but you can clearly hear the wind outside. It's definitely picking up speed. Oh, Cousin S just said she heard rain. I guess the first raindrop is here after all.

Suckity Suck.

Oh good, not only that I can't get out on my Saturday birthday this weekend due to Peds exam #1 on Monday, now I'll be studying in the storm and quite possibly with candles and flashlights should we lose electricity. Great, nothing like a gloomy, rainy, stormy, and quite possibly floody birthday.

School is more than likely closed tomorrow. Today after class would be hurricane proofing the house and getting last minute supplies. School might open again on Monday pending damage and power availability.

There is not a plan for my family to evacuate as of now. When Rita came 2 years ago, we evacuated to Dallas. What should be a 5 hours drive became a 24 hours drive, which lead to the demise of my Grandfather's health. He suffered a mini stroke on the long trip related to poor circulation secondary to prolonged sitting as evidenced by...okay, I'll stop the nursing diagnosis-esque sentence here. Point is, he never fully recovered his health from then on. He finally passed away late July this year.

Based on that, I think we just collectively decided to stay home because we couldn't do the same thing to Grandma. I will admit that I have some fears about evacuating, thinking of what it might do to Grandma's health. So we're staying put, and we're prepared.

For all of you who live in the area to be hit by Hurricane Ike, be safe. For all of you who don't, please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I'll try to keep you posted throughout the weekend.

Lemonade, anyone?

You know, sometimes life gives you such a funny twist that you just have to laugh and say "Hah! Good one, good one...."

Man, I love my life, never a dull moment.

And I love my friends, they laugh with me. Most of the time anyway.... That I know of....

Mission Impossible.

I think it is just futile for me to sit in 3 hours lecture, especially the afternoon lecture on Monday.

Not. getting. anything. in.

45 30 minutes in and I'm already antsy and bored out of my mind. I can visualize all this information coming my way, only to bounce off once they hit my giant forehead.

I think it's just because I haven't been in a classroom setting for 3 months, I was out and about this summer. Hopefully, I'll get back to the school mode soon enough, cuz ya know, paying attention in class is kinda crucial to my passing the tests and all that important thing.

The good thing is I'm not falling asleep, but still, I need help. Focus, Cee, focus!!!

New York from my eyes.

It's only fair that I post some pictures from my summer in New York.

Let's start with the picture that is perhaps my favorite picture that I took this summer.

Brooklyn Bridge and Lower Manhattan from DUMBO.


Bryant Park, taken with my camera phone.


Union Square from the second floor of Whole Foods, taken with my camera phone.


Times Square.


Fifth Avenue.


My favorite piece from the rooftop garden at the Metropolitan Museum, taken with my camera phone.


The rooftop garden at the Met, taken with my camera phone.


Coney Island, taken with my camera phone.


A piece outside of MoMA (Museum of Modern Art), taken by my friend.


the Sculpture garden at MoMA.


Central Park, taken with my camera phone.


Where we went kayaking on the Hudson River.


My roommate took this view of the city as she was on the kayak.


Riverside Park on the Upper West Side, I believe they used this location to film You've Got Mail.

Next time I'll post pictures from my Boston and Washington D. C. trips.

Reflecting.

The internship, I miss it. As I started my Child Health (Peds) class this semester, I realized just how much I'd learned over the summer. Even when, at the time, I complained that it was unfortunate that we as interns were limited in what we were allowed to do. Now, I saw just how much knowledge I've gained by doing what were seemingly trivial tasks over this summer.

Those urines I dip and how to get them out of diapers, keeping track of I&O's and the importance behind it, checking on IV's every hour and keeping track of those numbers, monitoring those vitals during conscious sedation, the little tricks you use with children to get them to cooperate with you, getting blood from those central lines. They all came rushing back to me, and when my instructors lecture or showing us things in the lab, they make an absolutely perfect sense. And once again, I am humbled to be where I was this summer.

The floor I interned at receives Hematology/Oncology patients, so a lot of the children that I've taken care of are frequent fliers or regular costumers, which means they stay on the unit for a long period of time and/or frequently return for treatment. As a result, the staff get to know them and their family pretty well and vice versa. There is not a day that has gone by since I ended my internship that I don't think about those "regular costumers".

How are they responding to their treatment? Have N & M lost their hair? Is P still scared when it's time to change his port-a-cath needle? Is G still refusing his meds? Has R finished her round of chemo? How are they and their family coping? Is Y home by now? I hope her count stays up. I hope C's bone marrow transplant goes well. I hope none of them relapses....

My heart breaks for them, for what they have to go through. I used to read their charts in the lounge, then I'd watch from the window in the corner, out to the green of Central Park across the street. A playground was there, swings, slides, monkey bars, you name it, and everyday I watched as kids filter through that playground throughout all hours of the morning and afternoon, wishing the kids I had on the unit could do the same. I'd take a long sigh and get back to work, saying a little prayer as I pass each room for them to get better a little sooner.

Yet in all of this, I've found great courage. Cliche to say that, but it couldn't be more true. For two days I watched as one family broke down as their 3 year old was diagnosed with Leukemia, but in the days afterward I watched them gathered every strength they had to pull through. They took in every ounce of information the doctors tell them--treatments, procedures, side effects, risks, prognosis, asked questions, and clang to every hope. They braved procedures that they have never heard before--lumbar puncture, bone marrow aspirate, port-a-cath insertion--and one they've heard but never thought would exist in their family--chemotherapy--being done on their tiny child. They held their child's hands and soothed their child through every vitals, labs, and meds with "It's okay, it's okay. It's gonna be okay." Sometimes, I even think they said those words to assure themselves too.

Those children, they're bravery and courage personified. As angry as they might have been, as scared as they might been, as rebellious as they might have been against all of these diseases, they manage. They just do. Somehow, along the way, they find a way to cope, to accept, to fight, and a reason to live. Every so often I'd come across charts so thick with health history, full of conditions so foreign to me, I had to google as I read those charts, and every so often afterward, I've found myself dumbfounded as to how they find the strength to go through all of that for years and years. My hat is off to them.

I really do miss those kids. Baby D, unaware of the how sick he really is, moving his head happily when you play his music toys as you take his vitals. Little N, the little tod, screaming bloody murder at everything and anything done to him, but once in a while when you're just checking on him throughout the day, he'd show you what game he's playing, he'd smile and you'd forget an hour ago he was kicking all four limbs as you and your nurse restrain him down for an oral med. R, in her early teen, as sweet as she can be, letting me draw my first central line blood from her even though she's very particular about her line. S, who came in for a sickle cell crisis, was quiet as a rock, but once she talked 50 mph with her 5 year old imagination, you knew she was no longer in pain and she was going home soon.

With this experience, I look forward to my Peds clinical this semester. I love working with children, they are a source of inspiration.

Senior year, it has begun.

Okay, I'm really bad at updating blog. Really bad. I haven't gotten a chance to write a proper blog about my New York experience yet, so far it has been lists, and I don't feel like it's a proper enough post. And then there is thing called the Senior year that had just started. Um, gooodbye summer break....

The Senior year, the last year, the time frame that will determine if I will add an "RN" behind my name at the end of this period. Quite scary, I say. I couldn't believe that it is finally here, this senior year, I feel it was just yesterday I was sending out applications. Wasn't it just recently that nursing school was just a dream and now I am halfway through? Now, it's time to gear up for the HESI and NCLEX, wait wait...hold up, HESI?! NCLEX?! Jeez...really?! Already?! I have no idea where time went.

So senior year, I am a week and two days into in. As usual, the first 3 weeks of the new semester is like "Well hello, INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!!" *thuds*, because you're either sitting in lectures in your scheduled class times or you're in lecture or lab 9-5 on the days you're not supposed to be in class, but they make you to because you don't have clinicals yet and they don't like to see you having 3 off days because they're mean like that.

I'm kidding, they're not mean. Okay, maybe a little mean. Point is, we're always exhausted, grumpy, and whiny, and it's only the second week. And to think we still have 4 more months of this. Le sigh....

Today, we sat through a 9-5 Psych lectures. Maaaan, was I Miss Antsy Mcpantsy after only the first hour.... Tomorrow is another 9-5, but at least it's a lab, we get to walk around, play with equipments, and poke each other. Hooray. Oh the sound of excitement...not.

Speaking of clinicals, I have sucky clinicals days. SUCKY, I tell you. A Wednesday (Adult), a Friday (Peds), a Saturday (Psych), I am none to happy. What upsets me the most is that my dear mother is coming from my home country and I had this plan to take her somewhere on weekends that I am not bombarded with school works--these weekends are rare commodities but they do exist once in a bluemoon. However, I am now left with only Thursday and Sunday off. I'm pretty much stuck until Thanksgiving! Bah humbug....

On another note, my friend made this observation last week as we took the medication calculation test, a.k.a the test that you must get 100 on to pass, and if you don't make 100 in 3 tries then you're out of the program. So afterward, she said "Miss Cee, please be a little more nervous next time you take a test. What is wrong with you? Why are you so chill taking a test? It's making me more nervous, at least pretend you're nervous!" It appears whatever calming method I was using worked a little to well perhaps.

And the next day she said, "You look so dainty today with that top you're wearing. Looking like a New Yorker already." Wha? Am I not wrong when I said that you usually hear a New Yorker described as an all black, ice queen, no non-sense kinda thing? But dainty? Who would've thunk?! My friend, she said the darndest thing obviously.

Well, there you have it. Senior year, it is here.