Nice and slow.

A scene from last week:

Me (with CI following behind): Patient B, I have your heparin shot to give. This is my instructor, by the way.

Patient B: Alright, how many time have you give this shot?

Me: *nervous laughs and thinks "well, there were those dummies...."*

Patient B: *kinda laughing kinda nervous* I'm your first, aren't I? Yes, I am, aren't I?

CI: Come on, Cee, be honest!

Me: Yeah, this is my first time.

Patient B: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!!

Me: Would you rather...?

Patient: It's okay, you can give it, just remember to give it nice and slow. NICEANDSLOW, REMEMBER?!! NICE AND SLOOOOOOOOOOOWW....

Me: Gotcha.

As I was pushing the plunger:

CI (whispering behind me): youredoinggreatyouredoinggreatyouredoinggreat....

Patient B (on my face): niceandslowniceandslowniceandslowniceandslow....

Me: *thinks "I am pushing it NICEANDSLOW, dammit!!!" and reminds self to take deep breaths*

The one where I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!!!

HOLY FANTASTIC BATMAN!!!! I finally got the long awaited "Are you still interested because you have been accepted" phone call earlier today. HECK YEAH!!! Are you kidding me? I have been waiting for this! PHEW!

This is the out of town internship by the way, my first choice, the one I really really really wanted, and I am just so happy and relief I got in. I just want to thank you my people who have wished me lucked, prayed for me, and gave me support and encouragement from the moment I started compiling the application to when I sent it to when I got the interview to now. The call today wouldn't have been what it is without those prayers.

I have yet to come down from the clouds over this, I'm so grateful and excited for this summer!

Pick me, choose me, HIRE me!

So I haven't received anything from the out of town internship hospital and I called today. Apparently they are having the final meeting by the end of this week or early next week, and the most that they can tell me is that I am in the final group to be considered for the 15 positions they offer. The guy said I should call back at the end of next week, or if they decide earlier than that, they'd call the 15 people who get the internship.

More waiting for me, but that's okay. After a month of waiting, what's another 2 weeks, right? Plus, I am just relieved that I survived the elimination and made it to the final round. Dang, this sounds like American Idol, except with no singing and judging and public voting.

I haven't heard anything from the in town internship either, although my friend who already works there as a CNA and applied for the summer internship has been offered the position, but no one else in our class who applied has head anything other than that.

So for now, I'm just sittin', wishin', hopin'....

Ack.

So this is what the week after Spring Break looks like for me:

Monday
-0900-0900: Tutoring (I'm a tutor, I need money).
-0900-1100: Big Acute test #2.
-1100-1200: They make us sit for a lecture after test.
-1200-1400:Tutoring.
-Must. exercise. afterward.

Tuesday
-0800-1300: Lectures.
-1330-?: Pick up patient.
-The rest of the day: Drugs sheets and prepping for clinical the next day.

Wednesday
-0645-1600/1700: Clinical and post conference.
-The rest of the day: CRASH.

Thursday
-Before 2 pm: prepping for clinical, last minute care plan/paperworks.
-3pm-11pm: clinical and post conference.

Friday
-1100-1500 or more: Shadowing in the PICU.
-1900-2200: Care group at church.

Saturday
-1100-1500 or more: Shadowing in the OR.
-1730: HAIRCUT!!! Exciting because it took me months to finally call in to schedule, I blame it on nursing school. It's either I didn't have time or I simply forgot. My hair is now caveman style.

In all of this, also fit it time to do care plans, journals/discussions/module for those annoying online classes, and study. Oh and an hour commute to and from school. Now that I put it down in writing, it doesn't look that bad, and I just realized I'll be at the hospital Wednesday-Saturday o_o. But I'm quite excited actually because of the shadowing. I greatly enjoy it, when else can I taste the different department if not now when I'm still a student? I can't wait for Friday and Saturday.

Have a great weekend and Happy Easter!

Lost in Translation.

The hospital I'm at for OB clinical is a county hospital where the majority of the patients is of the Spanish speaking population. In the time that I've been there this past month or so, I've only come across one who can speak both English and Spanish. Have you seen the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler and Tea Leoni? The experience is something like that. Language barrier sucks, I tell you.

The first clinical was something else, I thank God for my Spanish freaking friends, otherwise the patient and I would be playing charade/gesture the whole night. I don't think she'd appreciate that. I bet that resident taking the history thanked her lucky stars too, she was flipping through her neat pocket notebook with cutouts of medical questionnaires in Spanish and stumbling through the pronunciation. Though I feel for her because we're on the same boat, I still have to say it was comical.

Anyway, so after that beginning part, patient was ruled to be "safe", only needing monitoring for an hour or so. Of course me, being a student nurse, is responsible for that. So I sat by her, reading the fetal monitor, and then silence.

*crickets*

*crickets*

Patient looked at me, obvious concern in her eyes. I smiled and said, while pointing to her pregnant belly, "Bebe es okay, I mean, bien," and then I gave her a thumb's up.

Wow, way to go Cee. You took how many years of Spanish in high school? Two. Yes, and how many semesters of Spanish in college? Two. Yes, and that's all you managed to say?! *headdesks*

Silence pretty much consumed the room that night. I felt HORRIBLE. I wanted to talk her, I wanted to comfort her, I wanted to build that rapport with her, but I can't. Other than "Me llamo Cee, soy estudiante de enfermera, como esta?", this girl right here no se habla Espanol! I understand conversation (phew, at least I got something out of those Spanish classes) but as far as speaking go, well, it's a no go! It brought me back to the first time I stepped on the soil of this country, back when I was fourteen and only knowing little English. Frustrated I say, frustrated!

Then 2 weeks ago I was in Mother-Baby, the floor where conversing to laboring mother would be, you know, beneficial. Again, I felt horrible that I couldn't talk to her, couldn't comfort her, nothing. All I could do was to sit by her, watching the monitor, touched her hand when the contractions hit, and held her when she got the epidural (before the nurse took over and told me I should watch how they put in the epidural). I hated that I couldn't tell her what I was about to do when I had to put in a straight cathether.

I was there for about 5 hours and all I said to her were:
- The introduction, which I said in English and the nurse translated, so this doesn't really count.
- "Bebe es nina or nino?", in which she answered "nina".
-"Su esposa?", when I came in to find there was a man in the room, in which she nodded and said "si".
- "Puje, puje, puje, mas, mas!", which I chanted with my charge nurse as she gave birth.
-"Es nina!", which I exclaimed when the baby was out.
- a "Congratulation" in plain English because my brain does fart sometimes, usually when I need it not to.

I've got four more clinicals at this hospital I think, so we'll see how much Spanish I could pick up. The fact that I just discovered a English-Spanish translations on the back of my OB clinical pocket book also helps. I'm quite surprised that I actually managed to find this before clinical ends.

Break.

So Spring Break is here, and I love it. Okay, I won't exactly love it starting tomorrow because that is when I start slaving away with homeworks and studying and what not.

That said, this past 5 days of a very much needed break have been wonderful. This past weekend I went on a little trip to a beach, we fished, we did puzzle, I finished a book. Yesterday and today, I slept in, I youtubed (very addicting), and I shopped. Maaaarvelous time I say!

And in case you didn't notice, I said I FINISHED reading a book! My first one this year, and my first in MONTHS! This may sound ridiculous to you, but finishing this book is one of the things I most proud of in the last 9 months. I love to read, and I usually (meaning pre-nursing school) read a book--if not 2--a month, it depends, but all in all I read regularly. That changed once I started nursing school, since last August I could only recall reading 4 books. That is sad.

My read list has grown longer and longer, I've wanted to read so badly, yet I kept telling myself I had not time and I'd feel guilty if I'm straying from those daunting nursing textbooks. But that ended earlier this month when I braved myself into a budget bookstore and grabbed me 2 books. TWO! I didn't know buying books could make me that happy, and finishing made me even more so.

Somewhere in the middle of the school chaos, I found time, I found it therapeutic, and I fell in love all over again with reading. And yes, I realized that sounds the so cheesy, but dammit, I didn't feel guilty about having a me time and I'm going to brag about it! Okay so, book numero uno, Middlesex by the way, is done, book numero dos, Snow falling on Cedars, is next. Also next are studying for big Acute test #2, Acute and OB care plans, journal papers, discussion papers, and some kind of project I haven't even look at.

My Spring Break ends today. Boo....

Update on the internship: NONE. Letter still has not arrived. I'm getting antsier and antsier by day.

Dream.

Last night, I had a dream that I got the out of town internship that I wanted. When I was a kid, someone told me that what happens in your dream, the opposite will happen in reality, but, I know some who say otherwise. The point is, I am never one to read into dreams or to be superstitious, so I'm not going to read into this. It probably happened because it's been on my mind a lot, and I have been anxiously waiting for the answer now that it is mid-March, which when the recruiter said I will receive the yes or no letter.

Anyway, clinical went well tonight, I was on postpartum. Post-conference, though, was something else. Have I ever said that my OB CI is a comedienne as well? Well, let it be said now that she is HIL-freaking-ARIOUS!

And and and, SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!!! WAAAHOOOO!!!! Granted, I have to study for the big ass Acute test the Monday we come back, but pssshhh, I can still SLEEP in for a week! A WEEK, I say! *dances*

Confoozled.

I hate one of my online classes. I really do. And you know it's not just you who 1). hate it 2). don't have a clue of what to do for this assignment 3). thinks it's a waste of time when you've got 10 calls since morning 1). asking what the heck we're doing 2). including a few expletives and 3). most of those calls were repeat callers.

I really don't like you, online class, really really don't like you.

Rainy days and Mondays

I forgot I took this with my phone yesterday, but this is what I saw from school 2 hours before I had to walk to the hospital for the interview. I can clearly see the strong wind blowing the rain from the window, and for a second I considered calling the recruiter to let them know I might be coming in completely drenched in rain water.


Thank God, the rain stopped pouring by the time I had to make the trek to the hospital. It was still raining, but I manage to stay dry from ankles up. Phew! And good thing I wore black pants!

Um, like, you know....

I don't know what to think of the interview today. I interviewed with the first person and was asked the general interview questions, and I did well. It was the second part with a different person that I struggled. I was able to answer the questions without stuttering or saying um's, like's, but still, I'm not feeling all that confident about it. I was asked a lot of scenario type of questions, a lot of "what would you do if" and "how would you handle it if" questions. We'll see how I did when I hear from them in April. I'm still waiting on a notice from the out of town one, the letter should get here this week or next week at the latest, but it needs to get here sooooon!!! I want to knooooow!!!

Oh baby!

I don't know if I like the fact that babies just pop out whenever, wherever, and however they want. Las night I was on mother-baby, which, I'm not going to lie, tres boring. The mama was progressing very slowly, only opening 1 cm more every 2 hours. She was 3 cm when I came and was 5 cm an hour before I had to leave. In the meanwhile, my friend's patient had the baby within 30 minutes of us stepping on the floor. My other friend's patient had the baby 2 hours later. So there I was thinking, well that's it for me, no birth witnessing for me tonight. Bah humbug....

But half an hour before I had to leave for post conference, my nurse check the cervix because patient said she was having a lot of pressure in her pelvic. Lo and behold, we got a 10 cm and a baby in the birth canal on its way out. Alright! Let's get this show started!

The birth went smoothly, plus, my instructor wasn't mad that I was late to post conference. In my defense, I was by the bed and can't get out anyway with the doctors and the equipment tray in the way. Honest to blog, I was stuck, and heck yeah I'm glad I was stuck!

By the way, this letter for the out of town externship just could not come any slower. I wanna knoooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!

The one with the job interview, part deux.

So a magnet hospital in town called Tuesday evening to schedule an interview for the externship job this summer. This is the only hospital in town I applied to and I've been waiting for this call, so it was a nice to finally heard from them. It's the same hospital I had my problematic (see previous post) Acute clinical at, and when they called, I was actually there picking up a patient. Anyhoo, interview is scheduled for Monday afternoon after class.

I haven't heard from the out of town externship I had the phone interview for. I should hear from it sometimes next week, or the week after at the latest. We shall see.

I think I'm handling the anxiety/fear/nervous level I wrote about the previous post about Acute clinical better this week. I wasn't as much of a wreck as I had been two weeks before, and that's a good improvement. I think my charge nurse was part of the reason too, she was so nice and helpful, plus my CI knows who the R.N. well and trusts her. Hence, I was left alone for the most part. Also, CI let me do a procedure (empty and change a stoma bag and stoma care) with an R.N. without her being in the room! When I first told CI the opportunity had come up and asked if she could be there so I can do it, I was thinking I'd be lucky if she even wants me to do it and be in the room, let alone leave with me with the nurse, because she's very adamant about us not being able to do anything if she's not there, even if we have the R.N. teaching/watching.

So this week was a week of surprises, a good week to my anxiety and worry ridden self. Also, prayers work, they really do.

On the more serious note.

So I'm going to be open and talk about feelings for a little bit. Yes, feelings and all things personal, because when I decided to make this blog it's not for fame or millions visits per day or anything like that, I wanted it to be a diary of my journey through nursing school so that I could look back at the written memories (and I'm only lucky and grateful when I see the few comments and support here and there) someday, and those include the good and the bad. And this post particularly about the bad and I think it should be written as a part of the memory.

Remember a few posts back when I wrote about the gruel that is the Adult/Acute (I keep forgetting what I call this class/clinical on this blog, let's just say it's Acute because next semester it's Chronic) clinical? Well, at first I look at it a t a challenge--well, I still do, in a sense. But I think it's either that first week I got grilled really shook me bad or I just want to be good at it so bad or I'm just plain so overwhelmed that I have this feeling of being terrorized by this clinical. This nightmare of I'm going to mess up and my instructor is going to chew me out for it, in front of everybody nonetheless.

I have this nervousness comes Monday night because Tuesday I have to pick a patient and it will keep me up late to do the drugs information and calculation and do a sort of plan of care for the next morning. Then this anxiousness comes Tuesday night and I couldn't sleep well because of it. Then this fear come and stay with me from the moment I wake up Wednesday morning until I finish clinical. And the thing that bothers me the most is that I know I'm worrying for nothing because I've done good so far, yet I can't shake the nervous, the anxiety, and the fear off. I know I made up for that first week, CI even praised my care plan, I know she knows I'm trying and I'm prepared. All I want is to come to clinical without having this unreasonable fear and doubt that are just, ugh, so negative!

Dang it, positive thinking, where did you go?!!

I don't like this me. Something has just been "off" with me lately, can't pinpoint exactly what. Something--or things--just changed and I'm...different, I guess. I feel like I'm back to being a teenager, in that awkward stage and not knowing who I am, trying to figure things out. It's as if everything I know of just shifted, and if only I know how to catch up with it. It could be the stress too that is getting into me, this past month and a half has been a blur of a lot of thing that are just chaotic in nature.

Needless to say, I've made an appointment to see the school counselor sometimes soon. I figure I'd better make use of this "free" service--well, we paid for it in our tuition, but it's still not paying $200/hour to sit on a shrink's couch anywhere else in this city.

Plus, there is nothing like telling your friends "Hey, I have an appointment with my shrink on this day at this time!" and watching their faces change when they assume you're this damaged little soul with so many problems that you need a psychologist's help.

I'm just kidding.

Anyway, hopefully I'd grow out of this weird phase soon.