Sicko

Repeat this mantra: I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick i am not sick....

I've been sneezing since yesterday and I woke up with a stuffy nose this morning. I am not that sick yet, and God forbid I get to be that sick.

I made it through the ever freezing Metro bus--why the bus is always cold even when the AC above me is off, I don't know--for 3 months without getting sick, and now, now that I am 3 tests, 1 grand round presentation, 2 clinicals, 1 group presentation, 1 head to toe check off, and 3 finals (all in the next 6 weeks) away from finishing my first semester at nursing school, there is the impending cold. Great....

NOT!

And this is why I hate taking meds: they make me groggy. I'm not sure if the studying today was any good since I was feeling so drugged up. Meh.....

My goal is to not crash and burn until Thanksgiving week. In between now and then, I have 2 clinicals, 1 grand round presentation, and 3 tests.

I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick....

Good day.

Today, I was supposed to go to the OR at Designated Hospital. Alas, the educator was "on vacation" and the nurses at the station didn't know what to do with me. I overheard a nurse telling another to just "give her scrubs and send her into any room", which was replied with "I ain't sending no student to no room with no educator!" By this time I was lost with the many misuse of "no" and asked them to page my instructor.

I went back to my floor only to be taken to my group mate's patient's room right away; group mate had gone home sick. I was very unprepared, only knew the patient's surgical procedure and how many days post-op when CI introduced me to said patient and charge nurse. To make me even more anxious, the charge nurse was a strict and tough one, which I actually would like to have if I knew more about my patient and was prepared. The only thing I had on me was my ID badge and nothing else, not even my stethoscope, as we were told we'd leave everything in an unlocked and therefore unsafe locker in the OR lounge. Fortunately, I managed to compose myself soon enough to follow and comprehend the charge nurse's 180 mph instructions and to inform the doctor my patient's meds info when he asked.

Relieved was an understatement of how I was when the shift was over. CI later gave me a pat in the back and told me I did great considering I stepped in at the last minute, so that was a very nice bonus. Another cherry on top is that I got an 88 on my Assessment test, which brought up my average from a low C to a B. Yay! Normally, I wouldn't too happy with an 88, but nursing school isn't normal and I've bid my all A's goodbye, so I welcome 88 with open arms. My study buddies did well too, and that is always nice because then we know we're doing something right. Looks like I've finally found my soul study partners. Hee!

World Spins Madly On

…and it spins fast too.

Is this what it means when they talk about objective vertigo in that Assessment textbook? The person feels as if everything around them is spinning?

At least that’s how I feel. My world is not spinning out of control per se, it just spins…faster, way faster than it used to be. I’ve been trying my best to get a hang of it, alas, no such luck yet. Things come my way in bulks and they swoosh away before I get to the bottom of it most of the time, and I’m left exhausted at the end. I wonder if I’ll ever catch up or find my footing soon…or ever again.

The wind is blowing harsher, too. My hairs are strewn all over my face, covering my eyes. Sometimes, I can barely see what is before me. I reach one hand to hold my hair back so I can see the road ahead while the other one gripped my pole of faith, bringing it close to my heart as I try to take a step forward. My feet start to tremble as the wind blows hard against me, lifting and swirling particles of the earth and blocking my vision. I struggle to set my feet firmly on the ground, “If I fall then so be it,” I thought, “I have my source of strength here with me.” And I do fall, but not for long. It’s not always easy getting up, but it always worthy of trying. I use my ever presence pole of faith to pull myself up, slowly but surely, until I regain my balance and stand up straight once again. Then I dust the dirt of my knees and continue on the journey.

I do wonder, sometimes, if I’ve made the right decision or where this particular road leads to or what the other roads are like. Does the wind there blow as stormy as it does here? Do things churn heavily and quickly as they do here? Does it take this long to get to the end? But there is this little voice I can hear clearly amidst the chaos that is my surrounding. His voice tells me to keep going and trying, to keep my chin up and my eyes straight ahead, to keep moving forward on this path I’ve chosen, and most importantly, to keep that pole of faith in my hands.

Then there things along this road that don’t go as fast as the others do. The people who have been in my life are still around me, I don’t see them as often as I would love to, but I know they’re cheering for me as I go on. They might be somewhere else in this big world and I can’t see them within my field of vision, but I believe technology will keep them in my world always. Perhaps, the most exciting are the new people I’ve met along the way, those whose worlds are spinning as madly and as vastly as is mine. In the short time I’ve come to know them, we have laughed and whined together, and we have made each other smile. They push me forward when I stop on the same spot too long and I them.

In all of this madness, the one thing that keeps me hanging on is hope. The hope of a new strength for each day. The hope that the heavy wind will turn into a gentle breeze. The hope of the ability to regain my footing. The hope that I will find what and who I am looking for. The hope of where this road could branch to. The hope of what I will be. The hope of the rain He will send now that I have prepared—and am continuing to prepare for—the field.

So throw me a rope to hold me in place. Show me a clock for counting my days down….

Nightmarish weekend, but oh haaaaay next week!

Friday: Studied with study buddies at the library. We were there for 10 hours.

Saturday: Studied with study buddies at the library for another 10 hours. Brain is thisclose to being dead and fried.Sunday: Church. Will review and will have ENOUGH sleep.

Monday: Judgment day. Test at 2 pm. Will finish care plan tonight.

Tuesday: OR, no patient care this week, hee hee!

Wednesday-Sunday: NO CLASS, Thursday lab has been dismissed. Hooooraaay! Dancing in the street! Woooot!

No class means I can study for that Concepts test two weeks for now with no rush and definitely no 10 hours library study session with buddies--at least not until a week before the test. No class also means I will finally have time to get a haircut, move back to my grandparents' house (which is actually only a block away from the aunt and uncle's), spend time with my bestfriend, and watch Avenue Q!

I love you, next week! I'll love you even more if I did well on this Assessment test....and find a few bills on the street...and win the lottery...Ok, I'll shut up now....

The universe just hates me today...well, and yesterday too....

You know the cliche that says doctors and nurses make for the worst patients? True.

I got a taste of that in clinical yesterday. When I informed the patient that I was giving his SubQ, he scoffed with that "Nuh uh, you ain't giving that" look. My instructor was surprised as well, but what can we say, we just have to respect the patient's decision. I thought his being a nurse would make him more understanding, seeing as once upon a time he was a student nurse too, but I guess not. Heck, he didn't even let the charge nurse drew the syringe, let just say the only reason he didn't give it himself was because he couldn't reach and see all the way back to his butt.

Yesterday's Pharm test totally raped us, and everybody was bitching about it afterward. We pretty much told each other the same story, which is within the first 3 questions we went "What the hell is this??!!!" and declared ourselves doomed. Yeah...not good.

Today, it took forever for the view grade page to load. I'm not kidding it feels like I'm back at the ancient time where internet was slow was a snail. Finally a year and a minute later, I found out my grade is thisclose to a B. Oh wells, I don't like it but it's better than what a lot of us expected to get on that test, so I made peace with it.

Today, someone stole my lunch. Yes, as in I put my Healthy Choice lunch in a plastic bag, tied it, and put it in the school's fridge before class and when I went to get it after class it was gone. None. Nada. Disappeared. And this is after I found out that Pharm's grade and I was tired and hungry. I was mad. I mean really mad, steam blowing out of my ears mad.

If I just shove the box in the fridge I would get it if someone just took it, but it was in a tied plastic bag just like everybody else's lunch in that stocked fridge. So do people just decide to open everybody's lunch in the school's fridge in hope to find something they can steal? "Oh look, a PB & J sandwich! Ew, no! Tuna sandwich! Hmm, good but not great, let see what else do we got here. Oh, a chicken alfredo microwave lunch! Let's steal that one!" Die you stupid lunch stealer, die!

Must I really put a note on my lunch that says my name and a "DO NOT STEAL" post-it? None of the lunches in that fridge had that kind of "back off" notes, and I would hate it to be the only one to bestow such snarky message. And the thing is, lunch stealer could've bought the same freaken microwave lunch plus salads and sandwiches from the cafe on the first floor. What is wrong with you, lunch stealer??!!

Oh for pumpkin's sake!

There is this house a few blocks away that we (my family and I) term the "crazy lighted house". Oh ya know, one of those houses that goes all out with the light and decorations comes Christmas time. I mean, really goes all out, with Santa and his sleigh and reindeers light/decor on the roof kinda thing. And it is tres bright. And blinding....

So imagined my surprise as I drove passed it tonight and found that holy early batman, the Christmas decors are up! In OCTOBER!!!! It's not even Thanksgiving yet! Hell, it's not even Halloween!

Heh.

Scribbles from a bored student

If I could take pictures without it being obvious to the instructor, you would see both friends on my left and right texting the outside world on their phones. Neither of us paying attention. Such model students are we.....

Anyway,

I shadowed in the OR yesterday and in level II nursery today. I put in my first Foley, scrubbed the patient with disinfectant, fed and changed a premiee, it was an interesting experience overall. I definitely enjoy working with the preemies the most, wasn't too crazy about the OR. Well, I guess being a scrub nurse could be fun, getting to watch the procedure up close and being occupied throughout rather than being the circulating nurse.

I also had the chance to walked around the NICU and talked to the nurses there as well. That was the best part of today because I've always wanted to be a NICU nurse, so having to see and hear about what it was like was great. The nurses there were such a riot, they're so funny and wonderful too, I love them.

'Tis a fabulous weekend, I hope yours is/was too. :)

I actually like this library....

Ok, remember that one post about study habits, where I said I'm a stay at home studier?

Well, I lied.

I found this library today in a neighborhood next to where I live, and I think I'm going to start going there to study from now on.

I mean...with a view like this from the big glass window by the desk, who wouldn't?

Anyway,

Dirty Sexy Money tonight, wooot!

*ditches Pharmacology notes*

My first

First clinical and patient, ah the nervous train wreck that be.....

Note for my CI:

When introducing me as a first year student to my patient, would you please not add the "This is her first and you are her very first and she's very green" part? You know, the part that made the patient laughed nervously while looking at me with questioning eyes? Yeah, the part that reduced me into a nervous mess.

Okthanksbye,

Cee.

Anyway,

Upon picking up said patient the day before and discussing our assignments with fellow group mates, I immediately knew I was in for a rude awakening the next morning. Boy, was I right.

Pt. had been admitted for radical surgical procedures several days earlier and had a complication secondary to said procedures that requires another surgery to fix it the day after my clinical. While fellow group mates got a chance to shadow their primary nurse after their patient care was done, I did not because my patient required frequent check up and care due to the complication. Needless to say, my patient really worked me for those 5 hours.

Here's one thing I wondered about that day. One of my fellow group mates voiced a disagreement over my decision to help a tech with a patient next door to mine. My patient was resting and as I went out of the room to find my primary nurse--thinking that "Hey, let's watch some cool thing!", a tech who had helped me earlier approached and asked for help with a patient next door. I obliged, thinking that "Hey, making an occupied bed! In a real hospital! Not in lab!". Then, as I was finishing up, the tech had helped the patient into the shower and while doing so, the tech got called out and as you can guess, asked me to help the patient with the shower. In which, as you can guess, I obliged, thinking "Hey, assisting pt. with ADL's!".

My judgment is that, as a first semester nursing student, I need to get as much experience as I can. We all know we're doing the tech's job descriptions such as vital signs, bed bath, making beds, hygiene, etc. on top of giving oral medications and injections. Hence when the tech asked for help, I agreed to do so, especially when it didn't interfere with my own patient's care. I had told my pt.'s family member that I was next door and she could find me there should my patient needs anything.

However, this fellow group mate thought that I shouldn't have helped the tech because the patient next door wasn't my assigned patient and I shouldn't do it again next time. On top of that, I was disappointed to hear her say that if I keep helping the techs than the techs won't do their job and will impose it on me. Am I naive to think that she made a ridiculous stereotype and judgment? I know for myself that I'm not too nice to let the techs ride me over with their requests that I'd neglect my patient or miss a chance to watch/do other skills, but this was one time and dang it, fellow group mate, what is your problem?!

Was I right in my decision to help the tech? Or was I supposed to find my primary nurse instead to see if she was doing those skills that this fellow group mate appeared to deem higher than making bed and assisting pt. with his ADL's?

Perhaps something deep this time....

“I’m a generally healthy person, which is why when the doctor told me I had a cancer I immediately told him it couldn’t be true. None of my family and friends that I know of have cancer, why me?”

I have yet to shake the face and the words of that patient out of my mind. I’ve seen these tall hospital buildings every single day for the past six weeks; in my head I know of what is inside. I knew of a wonderful woman who died of cancer and I’ve seen her in the condition she was in shortly before she passed. It should feel "normal"--however that feels--when I stepped inside Designated hospital for the first time last Tuesday, yet I found it overwhelming to see rooms with a post-op hysterectomy patient or end stage kidney disease patient who has 20 medications. Then I remember about the children’s hospital next door where little persons suffer too and it doesn’t get any more real than this.

Three months ago I watched a glimpse of a surgery on Discovery Health Channel—and Grey’s Anatomy, but soon enough I’ll be in the Operating Room witnessing a surgical procedure in person. Holly coolness Batman! That was my first reaction, but then I started worrying about fainting during a surgery, thus making a doofus out of myself. Then I thought about how my patients for the next 7 weeks aren’t people with a regular fever or a stomach ache or a broken leg, I’m not going to be in a doctor’s office taking vital signs and asking health history questions.

My patients for the next 7 weeks are people who recently have a part of their organ—or a whole organ—surgically removed due to aggressive and/or terminal diseases, and on top of taking vital signs, I may be putting in a Foley catheter or NG tube, hang an IV solutions, help them change positions on their beds, administer—and knowing—their medications and injections, recording their intake and output, and whatever it is that a first year nursing students are allowed to do—which is not a lot, but hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

This is it, the grave diseases and disorders I’ve only known from books and TV’s are right in front of my eyes. I can see and hear them in the patients and their charts. I may be a student nurse, but the word ‘nurse’ is there nonetheless and I pray that I’ll be a great one at that. I pray that I’m sensitive to their needs, that I’m thorough and careful in my assessment, that I know how to conduct myself, that I’m pro-active, that I think fast and critically, that I am not afraid. Most importantly, I pray that I remember they’re still a person and treat them likewise.

As my friend, A, said with painful enthusiasm, “We’re gonna be damn good nurses!”

Amen, sistah, amen!

Ok, back to studying and stop using writing as an excuse for procrastinating.

Dang, that’s to many –ing’s right there…..

OK.

must.stop.writing.now.

Tuesday, I don't like you.

Tuesday in the life of Cee.

4 am
Wake up. Get ready and put scrubs on, only to take the pants off again because I put them on backwards. This is normal when you get dressed half asleep.

5 am
Bus leaves from the park and ride.

6: 10 am
Bus gets to the transit center near school. Put bag in school's locker, almost forgetting the stethoscope. This is also normal when you're half asleep.

6: 35 am
Meet with group mates and instructor at the school lobby. Walk to Designated hospital together.

6:45 am
Breakfast at McDonalds, which is located inside the cafeteria of Designated hospital and the children hospital. Yes, McDonalds inside a hospital--children's hospital nonetheless, go figure....

7 am-10 am
Group is introduced to the floors on which we will have our clinical for the next 7 weeks.

10 am
A hint of back and foot aches due to hours of constant walking and standing up. We repeat "we'll get used to this" like a mantra. We also understand the existence ugly looking shoes on the nurses and techs. "Maybe," we think, "Those ugly shoes are comfortable after all...". Thus begins the battle of holding on to your I'm-never-ever-wearing-those-ugly-shoes principle versus giving into them ugly shoes for the sake of your feet and back.

10:05 am
Group goes into a patient's room and watch instructor does an assessment on the patient.

11 am
Instructor sends us to our respective floors to gather information from a patient's chart and the Designated hospital's computer system, and eventually meet said patient and do a short assessment.

12 pm
Clinical orientation ends, "real" clinical starts next week.

12:30 pm
Meet back at school with lunch for a post-clinical conference.

2 pm
A bunch of us nap in an empty classroom while the other bunch study a few feet away. I question my decision to nap instead of studying for a second and decided that nap takes precedence to studying.

3 pm
Wake up from a hell of a fabulous power nap. Feel sorry for the aforementioned studious friends, they should have napped and ditch the books.

4 pm
Pharmacology lecture starts. Those who have clinical earlier in the day mutter curses.

7 pm
Pharmacology lecture ends. Those who have clinical earlier in the day appear zombie-like.

8 pm
Step foot in my room for the first time since morning, 16 hours earlier.

9 pm
Crash.