Has it really been that long?

I realized today that my Grampa has been gone for 3 months yesterday. It's a weird feeling, like he's been gone forever. We've carried on like normal ever since he passed, but I notice the emptiness in this house. The void he left that no one else can fill in and I wonder how we've managed to live with that all this time.

I think of him a lot, and I miss him terribly. I can still see him at the kitchen table reading newspaper as I go down the stairs on Sunday morning. I can still see him sitting by the window in his room reading a book, the same way I like to sit by the window and read my book. I can still see him sleeping on his bed when I woke him up to say goodbye before I left to New York, I told him I'll be back in August and I'll see him then. I can still see him nodded and said my name when Gramma asked if he knew who I was when I flew back from New York for that one fateful weekend. I can still see him lying unmoved when I confirmed his death after Gramma woke me up at 6 am that morning to come look at him because he wasn't moving. And I can still feel how cold his skin was when I held his hands for one last time before they took him away to the funeral home.

I wonder how would it be had I not gone to New York for the internship. Would I catch him getting sicker sooner? Would this turn out differently? I know I'm not to blame, it happened the way it's meant to happen, but I just wonder.... I don't know why this hits me harder 3 months later. Maybe because I thought he'd be here still? That I'd see him in his room when I came back from New York like I told him before I left?

The house is quieter without him. I miss hearing the Chinese music coming out of his room, I miss hearing his voice, his conversation with Gramma. He's a great man, my Grampa. I just wish he could tell me what he's been doing in heaven....

Random Monday musing.

Did this morning stupidly: was about to step onto the bus only to realize that I forgot my ID badge which has my Metro card. Ended up driving to school this morning, blah.

Seen this morning: a man driving near medical center vicinity in an old vintage car with the roof open and the license plate reads "APGAR X". Well, alright then Mr. OB/GYN/Neonatalogist, carry on....

Received this morning: a bar of quite a fancy chocolate from a friend out of the blue right before lecture starts. I like friends who give little surprises, made my Monday. :)

Popped up in my mind this morning: a quote by a mother of a patient as told by the night shift nurse to me and preceptor as we were getting report. Mom sought the nurse because the kid was crying in the middle of the night, when nurse came, mom said to said nurse, "Can you please calm him down? He needs some human contact." Most outrageous quote I have ever heard in a hospital setting.

Watched this morning on the laptop before lecture: Gossip Girl episode from season 1. Shut up, I'm trying to catch up with TV shows these days. I'm trying to stay connected to the outside pop culture world here....

As my friend's, Kate, license plate says.

You know it's gonna be a good clinical day when went to Starbucks to get a slice of banana nut loaf for breakfast and the barista says, "Oh I put two in there (bag) because they're small," and you know one small slice is actually enough for you but two small slices mean you have a slice for breakfast and you also have a slice for a snack later, for the price of one! Suuuhhhweeeeet!

And you also know it's gonna be a good clinical day when you're actually planning to pay for parking because you don't think anyone will go into your friend's apartment (where you usually park for free) gate at 6:15 am, therefore you can't tailgate a car in (because you don't have the code to get in, you have to call the friend to open the gate and you don't want your friend to hate you for calling her at 6:15 am), but when you pass the apartment you actually see a car turning into the complex, meaning you can get in and actually park for free! Suuuuhweeeeet!

And you also know you can finally have a break because you don't have exams for the next 3 weeks, meaning you can finally have back a semblance of your life that has been put on the back burner since school started. Case and example: I spent the weekend not touching any textbook and notes and I went to see the Duchess and the Secret Life of Bees. Suuuhhhweeeeeeet!

So as Kate's license plate says, my life, for the time being, is SUHWEET!!!!

SERIOUSLY??!!

Like I don't have enough with the test anxiety this morning, I just had to fall down the stairs this morning as I was leaving my house. The universe hates me. What have I done to you, oh dear mighty universe, to have incur this wrath of yours??!!

Because really, I was already freaked out enough about the exam, and I was going the last half of the stairwell when I suddenly tripped, landed on my shins, proceeded to sled uncontrollably down the stairs, and in the process managed to bang my right wrist. Apparently nursing school has caused me an altered motor function or something, because I wasn't even wearing heels! I was wearing flats as flat as a Tanner II breast! Now I have a 4 cm ecchymosis on my wrist (on the carpometacarpal joint site to be exact) that is tender to touch and slightly edematous. *grumbles*

Needless to say, after being a little shaken after the tumble, I went to school and took the exam. Let me just say that faculty should just hand us Lorazepam as they hand out the exam, because really, we all need an antianxiety this semester. Anyway, I passed the test with a higher than expected grade.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm telling to stop because no! While you may think there's a correlation between falling down the stairs before exam and making a higher grade, I am not planning to to fall on anymore stairs anywhere. Unless the universe thinks I'm a child of Chucky or something that it feels the need to send me tumbling again.

Dear universe,
I'm nice. I'm kind. I help people. I try to recycle. I try to be mindful to the environment. Please give me a break. Please don't send me tripping and falling anymore. Please don't fail my exams. I promise I'll be even nicer, like do more volunteer work nice or pet Cookie the dog more kind of nice. Capiche?
Kthanxbye.

Imagery.

All I want to do right now is be where all I hear is the rhythmic whir of waves coming onto the beach and the wind smells of the ocean, and when I collapse from this exhaustion, the sand feels soft and warm. I see crystal blue water as far as my eyes can take me, and under the hood of the palm leaves covering my face from the shining sun and with the cool breeze shielding me from the heat, I would doze of to sleep, oh yes I would. Those muscle kinks from hours of sitting down studying and standing on my feet in clincials will relax, and all thoughts of exams, care plans, med sheets, classrooms, and hospitals will go to the land far far away. Oh how life is good, I would think to myself as I drift to a deep sleep.

But suddenly, I was awaken by the deafening sound of a child's scream. A tourist kid who's been playing quietly in the sand got his toe bitten by a crab. Just as I entered back to the conscious world, I'd tell myself it must have been sucked to be that kid. But then I realized my life sucks too because I remember yesterday I had filled up my gas tank early in the morning before clinical paying $3.19/gallon only to find out by the time I got out of clinical 13 hours later, gas was $2.99/gallon at the very same gas station.

Sorry kid, life is tough, at least you're not losing your toe. I, on the other hand, might as well lose my mind because after feeling like I've been beaten down for 3 weeks in the row from studying after studying for exam after exam and clinical after clinical, I still won't get a break to catch my breath until next Sunday because I have Peds exam #2 Monday, a Computer Literacy exam, process recording, and Psych care plan due Tuesday, a Peds care plan and 3-11 pm Psych clinical Wednesday, a possible 7a-7p Adult clinical Thursday, another 3-11 pm Psych clinical Friday, and a 7a-7p Peds clinical Saturday.

I thought last semester was bad, I thought after that was over this semester will be better and I'll have more free time. Hahahhaha hahahhah free time hahhaha. NO.

How do people make it out of nursing school alive with their sanity intact??!!! I need to know of this secret. I feel like I've been pushed to a territory of tiredness and chaos I never know existed. I'm running on fumes these days.

Oh my beach, crystal blue water, ocean breeze, and palm tree--without a crab bitten screaming kid of course--where be you?