5.16.2009.

I just applied for graduation.

I will be walking in that cap and gown across the stage on May 16, 2009.

Wow, I, and the other 64 people in my class, finally get to say that. I don't know how they feel, but I'm pretty stoked about it.

But scared too, because ohmahgaah this is it I'm going to be a real nurse and how the heck am I going to do that when I feel so inadequate and incompetence and I don't know anything and jebus am I going to make it am I going to be a good nurse there are patients' lives on the line here!!!

Yeah, it freaks me out, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

School does its best to teach and provide us with experience, but it's nothing like the real thing. How many times have I gone to clinicals and come across drugs that I never heard before in class? How many of the machines I saw, when I had clinical at the Cardiac Recovery Unit that one time, can I name and tell you what they're for? Heck, I'm a senior II and how many IV have I put in? None. And how many venipuncture have I done? Only one, and that wasn't even on a patient, it was on my internship friend for a check off (and yes, my friend did one on me too).

But then, it always surprises me at how much I know that I didn't know I know before. I know, I just lost you right there. Do you know what I mean? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What I mean is that, the general feeling among the seniors is that we don't know anything. It's like, wait-how many conditions does this patient have? How do you pronounce this drug?! What is that futuristic looking machine is for? They did what on that patient?! Is he gonna cra--holy sh*** BP's dropping--fast--he is crashing! Will we know how to think and act critically? My own immediate answer to that question used to be "No.... I don't know...maybe?" But now I'm starting to think differently, in that I think I know more than I thought I do.

Today is an example, we had a 50 questions pharmacology exam that wasn't counted for a grade, just to see what we know so far; students usually don't do so hot on this impromptu exam. During the review, the instructor asked, "Once you start Iron therapy in an anemic person, how many days will it take until you see some improvement?" There was a lot of answer thrown out, "a month" being the most common I heard, but "120 days" just rolled off my tongue. I wasn't shouting it out to be heard to the class, more like saying it to myself, and I didn't hear if anyone else has shouted "120 days" also. I was just thinking, "120 days, that's the lifespan of adult Red Blood Cells, you have to wait 120 days for the new RBC's to see some result from that Iron."

And I was right.

My exact thought at that moment was, "Huh. Where did that come from?! How did I come up with that?!" While the grade of that exam is a failing one by the school's standard, it's still better than what I expected and it's higher than the class average. I've been surprised at myself a lot--especially in the last semester, perhaps it's time for me to start setting higher expectations of myself.

I guess what I need to keep telling myself from now until that May graduation day is that I am more competent than I thought I am, and I am more than I give myself credit for. I have been pushing myself to trust my gut and go for it for the past year, and I've found out that--actually--more often than not, I was doing and/or saying the right thing. It's like this whole nursing thing has finally been coming together in my head, unbeknown to me, and I am now starting to realize it. Although, I still have to admit that believeing in yourself is sometimes easier said than done in this world.

There is still much learning to be done and confidence to be built in on my part.

But you better your bottom dollar I'll be as ready as I can be when 5.16.2009 comes along.