Blargh

I'm diagnosing myself with burning out related to ineffective coping with stress secondary to nursing school as evidenced by excessive fatigue, "doh!" moments, and whining.

This isn't a good time for me, I've got 2 group presentations, 6 essays for the take home final, 2 more assignment for research class, and 3 final exams in the next 3 weeks. Lord help me....

Lost.

I just lost my USB drive, the one that has all my works from last semester until now. Every care plans, every papers, every group projects, everything.

I cried.

I probably only have 1/3--at the most--of those documents on my hard drive, because I mostly do my work at school so the ones I have on my computer are outdated. That USB is my baby, I'm mostly bumped that I lost the care plans I did this semester because I worked my ass off on those and they're great care plans, unlike the crappy ones I did last semester.

At least the fact that those complete documents that I lost are things I have already submitted comforts me. Of the current paper I've been working on, I miraculously have saved it on my PC and have only lost 2 paragraphs. Thank God.

I was so happy today because it's the last Acute clinical. But now I'm sad. So very sad. :(

Papers.

The amount of papers I have to write for the remainder of this semester is insane!. I've still got 3 discussions, 3 journals, 1 module (which is a compilation of 5 assignments a.k.a 5 papers), and 2 group projects to write/do, and those are all I'll be doing for the next 3 weeks. Nothing but type type type and type, write write write and write.

And i can't stop procrastinating, of course. I am just so tired and so over this semester. I just hate the last quarter the semester because I have no energy left, I'm tired, and I'm whiny. I just want it to be over noooooowww!!! See? Whiny.

Wish me luck as I go on this straight path to the Carpal tunnel syndrome lane....

Last.

Last night was my last OB clinical, and I was sad to leave. I have truly enjoyed the experience due to my amazing instructor, who has a wide range of experience and tries so hard to let us see and do things we've never seen an done before. She is amazing. My friend said, "If I could have all of my clinicals with her for the rest of my school career, I would". I agree, she's just so wonderful, and I'll miss her.

The hospital we were at is not one of the magnet hospital in this city, it's a general hospital where the low income population and everyone else who has no insurance go to. I knew of the fact that I will not have an encounter with, as my instructor said when we started, "the Gerber baby family" who lives in the suburbs, 2 cars, 2 stories house with a front and back lawns and white picket fences surrounding it. It's an entirely new and different experience for me, but I'm so grateful I had the experience.

It taught me what being a nurse is about, that when you care for your patients, you see past what society has labeled them and you just see them as persons who need you and your care, and that is who they are. Their history may say they're drug addicts and the CPS is going to take their baby away, or they're brought from jail with one leg chained to the bed, or they're 37 weeks who've had no prenatal care and not taken any prenatal vitamins, or they're unmarried teens with their 2nd baby, but you don't dwell on that piece of fact. They don't deserve less medical attention based on what their history says, they still need the doctors and you, as their nurse to care for them. I love what my nurse said last week, "When you take care of a patient, you take care of them like you take care your family. You'd want them to be comfortable and you'd make them comfortable". And that is one of the things I will take with me throughout my career.

Last night was great for a last clinical day. I got to draw blood and saw another C-section, this time less traumatizing for the mother--and me for that matter. A complete opposite of the C-section last week, phew. The mother was actually my patient that was admitted to the triage. They were going to admit her to Mother-Baby, but at last decided she would go for a C-section due to a few circumstances. Then after the baby was out, the surgeons lifted up the uterus for us--4 nursing students lined up against the wall--to see and showed us the ovaries and what not.

One other thing to mention about that, is it was very nice of the surgeons to do that, but my friends and I still joke that they did so because they felt guilty about kicking us out of the OR in the beginning. It was all good though, we knew they were really concern about the amount of people in the OR as they were prepping and fear of contaminating the sterile field. So after one of them contaminated her gown when one of the staff accidentally touched her, she ordered us to "stay outside and come in after the baby was out or something". We were like "What?! Until the baby out?! What the heck?!" So we watched from the window until they made the first cut, and she actually sent a nurse to get us back in before we were going to sneak back in regardless of waiting until "after the baby out or something". Afterward, as we were about to start post conference, she came to find us and apologize for earlier, so that was very nice of her. See? Doctors and surgeons are nice, and I like them a lot when they're that way.

So that is it. That is the end of OB clinical this semester. Wow, I can't believe Junior II is ending in a matter of 4 weeks. Yesterday, I also registered for next semester as Senior I. It's surreal, time has really gone by fast. It seems like it was just yesterday that I started this blog to journal my journey (heeey, rhymes!) as I started nursing school.

Senior I. Dang.

I like today.

I like today because I had a very pleasant patient who was interested in learning and appreciated me, a student.

I like today because I had a charge nurse who didn't mind a student and she taught me how to give meds. through a J-tube, charting, and more.

I like today because my instructor told us today that we have NO MORE CARE PLAN TO DO!!!

I like today because I know tomorrow is my last OB clinical and next Wednesday is my last Acute clinical.

However, I don't like today because I have to submit an article critique by 2359 and I'm dead tired and I have 40% to go.

Empty seats.

Who skipped the lecture this morning to study for OB test and do the papers due this week?

60% of the class! Yours truly included.

Now, I don't know whether I'm ashamed of skipping class or actually proud that it's taken me this long to do so. I mean, five more weeks left to school and this is my first skip of the semester?! Open that record book, please.

In another unrelated news, my bestfriend is getting married early January! Woot! I'm so happy for her!

I am officially the maid of honor, and will be at her service with all the wedding planning. Today, we went to see the possible church for the ceremony and to a bridal shop to browse possible dresses. Yes, I skipped class and I went out. A day before a test. I must've felt like I'm a God with the power to know all the correct answers tomorrow or something when I made that decision. (Actually, I am thisclose to be done with studying and I am thisclose to finishing all my papers for this week. Okay, so maybe I did feel like I'm God.....)

I'm sure I would want to kill myself once it's sunk in that I'll be juggling nursing school on top of helping with this wedding planning jigmajig, which includes throwing a killer bachelorette party.

I'll let you know how it goes from my deathbed.

Fetal demise, PIH C-section, late decels all in one night.

Last night was all kind of things mixed into one. I mean, damn, was it a full moon or something?!

Before I ramble on, you might wanna stop reading if you're squeamish.

So, it started off slow, my patient was 5 cm when I came in and stable. After a few hours with her, I ventured around the corner to where my two group mates were, and that's when I saw something odd in the basinet next to the baby warmer across from us. It was a bunched bloody blanket and I saw a surface of red flesh and I thought it as a placenta and wondering why would they wrapped a placenta and put it in the basinet?

My friends spotted the same thing and all three of us went to take a closer look, and that was when the nurses told us that earlier that evening a 24 weeks mom had come in saying she hasn't felt the baby moved in a week. Sure enough, it was a fetal demise, and she was induced to give birth to a stillborn baby.

I will never forget what I saw last night, I don't think I will ever that image of the nurse unwrapping the blanket to reveal the red glob of fetus beneath it out of my mind. Judging by the appearance of the fetus: red, floppy with no apparent bone structure (it looked like a red blob of Jell-o or a red water balloon), underdeveloped features, and peeling of the skin, they were thinking it died due to chromosomal abnormalities and that it had died a week or more before the mom came in last night. As I went back to my patient's room, I caught a glimpse to the stillborn's mother's room, where silent grief enveloped the family that had gathered there. I said a prayer for them.

My patient, in the meanwhile, was progressing slowly, only going from 5 cm to 6 cm, so the doctor order the Pitocin to speed it up. Sure enough, minutes later late decels started showing up on the monitor and it was a "Holy crap! Is that what they meant when they talked about that in class?!!" moment for me. We turned the mom to the sides, put her on O2, and turned the pit off.

It's funny because in class, my instructor taught us a song to help us remember what to do when decels happen, and that exactly what was done last night. I'm still getting used to the feeling when things I've studied in the textbook happen in front of my eyes, it's like "HEEEEYYY!!!", the dots connected, light bulb goes on, whatever.

Mother and baby were okay after that, and nearing the end of my shift, my instructor came around telling us that she was going to sneak us into a C-section in a few minutes after they got the mother settled down and ready to go. The mom was 32 weeks along with PIH and overweight, which is not a good combination for the surgeons and the anesthesiologists.

They started and not long after that the patient started moaning and you can see everyone was alarmed, but the anesthesia team reassured that she was just feeling uncomfortable from the tugging and retracting they surgeons were doing to try to locate the uterus. As they cut through more layers of fat, the patient started groaning and it got louder and louder.

My friends and I looked at each other wide eyed, thinking "What in the world?!!", then we saw the surgical tech and my instructors rolling their eyes and giving each other "What the hell are they doing?!!!" It was bizarre to see someone with their abdomen open and blood flowing out and hearing them making noises that indicate that she is obviously in PAIN!

All this time, the surgeons continued to try to get to the baby as fast as they could, and the anesthesia team announced to the room whatever everything they cannot do because she was so large and hypertensive with low platelets therefore the pending complications, and I was just screaming in my head "DO SOMETHING, SHE IS IN PAIN!!!!"

They finally got the baby out after a series of groaning from the mom, who was still groaning as they sew the uterus. The baby needed intubation and some helped to breath, but the NICU team finally go the baby to cry, so that was good. We left right after that and didn't see the rest of that procedure.

I had no idea why the anesthesia didn't seem to work completely and why the team couldn't get it right. I knew the mother posts a series of complications but it doesn't mean you would just let her feel the pain of her surgery. Uncomfortable? Okay. Pressure? Okay. Pain? Oh hell no! That's not right, but unfortunately, it happens.

So that was my night on the OB floor yesterday. It was a night to remember for sure.

Nice and slow.

A scene from last week:

Me (with CI following behind): Patient B, I have your heparin shot to give. This is my instructor, by the way.

Patient B: Alright, how many time have you give this shot?

Me: *nervous laughs and thinks "well, there were those dummies...."*

Patient B: *kinda laughing kinda nervous* I'm your first, aren't I? Yes, I am, aren't I?

CI: Come on, Cee, be honest!

Me: Yeah, this is my first time.

Patient B: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!!

Me: Would you rather...?

Patient: It's okay, you can give it, just remember to give it nice and slow. NICEANDSLOW, REMEMBER?!! NICE AND SLOOOOOOOOOOOWW....

Me: Gotcha.

As I was pushing the plunger:

CI (whispering behind me): youredoinggreatyouredoinggreatyouredoinggreat....

Patient B (on my face): niceandslowniceandslowniceandslowniceandslow....

Me: *thinks "I am pushing it NICEANDSLOW, dammit!!!" and reminds self to take deep breaths*

The one where I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!!!

HOLY FANTASTIC BATMAN!!!! I finally got the long awaited "Are you still interested because you have been accepted" phone call earlier today. HECK YEAH!!! Are you kidding me? I have been waiting for this! PHEW!

This is the out of town internship by the way, my first choice, the one I really really really wanted, and I am just so happy and relief I got in. I just want to thank you my people who have wished me lucked, prayed for me, and gave me support and encouragement from the moment I started compiling the application to when I sent it to when I got the interview to now. The call today wouldn't have been what it is without those prayers.

I have yet to come down from the clouds over this, I'm so grateful and excited for this summer!

Pick me, choose me, HIRE me!

So I haven't received anything from the out of town internship hospital and I called today. Apparently they are having the final meeting by the end of this week or early next week, and the most that they can tell me is that I am in the final group to be considered for the 15 positions they offer. The guy said I should call back at the end of next week, or if they decide earlier than that, they'd call the 15 people who get the internship.

More waiting for me, but that's okay. After a month of waiting, what's another 2 weeks, right? Plus, I am just relieved that I survived the elimination and made it to the final round. Dang, this sounds like American Idol, except with no singing and judging and public voting.

I haven't heard anything from the in town internship either, although my friend who already works there as a CNA and applied for the summer internship has been offered the position, but no one else in our class who applied has head anything other than that.

So for now, I'm just sittin', wishin', hopin'....