Reflecting.

The internship, I miss it. As I started my Child Health (Peds) class this semester, I realized just how much I'd learned over the summer. Even when, at the time, I complained that it was unfortunate that we as interns were limited in what we were allowed to do. Now, I saw just how much knowledge I've gained by doing what were seemingly trivial tasks over this summer.

Those urines I dip and how to get them out of diapers, keeping track of I&O's and the importance behind it, checking on IV's every hour and keeping track of those numbers, monitoring those vitals during conscious sedation, the little tricks you use with children to get them to cooperate with you, getting blood from those central lines. They all came rushing back to me, and when my instructors lecture or showing us things in the lab, they make an absolutely perfect sense. And once again, I am humbled to be where I was this summer.

The floor I interned at receives Hematology/Oncology patients, so a lot of the children that I've taken care of are frequent fliers or regular costumers, which means they stay on the unit for a long period of time and/or frequently return for treatment. As a result, the staff get to know them and their family pretty well and vice versa. There is not a day that has gone by since I ended my internship that I don't think about those "regular costumers".

How are they responding to their treatment? Have N & M lost their hair? Is P still scared when it's time to change his port-a-cath needle? Is G still refusing his meds? Has R finished her round of chemo? How are they and their family coping? Is Y home by now? I hope her count stays up. I hope C's bone marrow transplant goes well. I hope none of them relapses....

My heart breaks for them, for what they have to go through. I used to read their charts in the lounge, then I'd watch from the window in the corner, out to the green of Central Park across the street. A playground was there, swings, slides, monkey bars, you name it, and everyday I watched as kids filter through that playground throughout all hours of the morning and afternoon, wishing the kids I had on the unit could do the same. I'd take a long sigh and get back to work, saying a little prayer as I pass each room for them to get better a little sooner.

Yet in all of this, I've found great courage. Cliche to say that, but it couldn't be more true. For two days I watched as one family broke down as their 3 year old was diagnosed with Leukemia, but in the days afterward I watched them gathered every strength they had to pull through. They took in every ounce of information the doctors tell them--treatments, procedures, side effects, risks, prognosis, asked questions, and clang to every hope. They braved procedures that they have never heard before--lumbar puncture, bone marrow aspirate, port-a-cath insertion--and one they've heard but never thought would exist in their family--chemotherapy--being done on their tiny child. They held their child's hands and soothed their child through every vitals, labs, and meds with "It's okay, it's okay. It's gonna be okay." Sometimes, I even think they said those words to assure themselves too.

Those children, they're bravery and courage personified. As angry as they might have been, as scared as they might been, as rebellious as they might have been against all of these diseases, they manage. They just do. Somehow, along the way, they find a way to cope, to accept, to fight, and a reason to live. Every so often I'd come across charts so thick with health history, full of conditions so foreign to me, I had to google as I read those charts, and every so often afterward, I've found myself dumbfounded as to how they find the strength to go through all of that for years and years. My hat is off to them.

I really do miss those kids. Baby D, unaware of the how sick he really is, moving his head happily when you play his music toys as you take his vitals. Little N, the little tod, screaming bloody murder at everything and anything done to him, but once in a while when you're just checking on him throughout the day, he'd show you what game he's playing, he'd smile and you'd forget an hour ago he was kicking all four limbs as you and your nurse restrain him down for an oral med. R, in her early teen, as sweet as she can be, letting me draw my first central line blood from her even though she's very particular about her line. S, who came in for a sickle cell crisis, was quiet as a rock, but once she talked 50 mph with her 5 year old imagination, you knew she was no longer in pain and she was going home soon.

With this experience, I look forward to my Peds clinical this semester. I love working with children, they are a source of inspiration.

I'm in.

For the first time since I started this internship, I feel like a nurse, and I feel like I'm more than another PCA/student to the other nurses. For the first time, I feel like I'm a part of the team. It's not that the nurses aren't great or helpful because they are, but I just felt like they see me as a student or a guest, and I'm here to shadow to learn and do PCA things. Generally, I've felt like I was on the outside, I'd do vitals, I&O's, ADL's, monitoring, and little things they've asked me to do, but they don't really involve me in the what's going on of these patients. I think a part of it is due to the restrictions I have in this internship, I'm not allowed to give anything into the body such as giving medications or starting and giving IV's, so I'm already not in the "in's" of things to begin with. I do ask a lot of questions and find out about the new orders and what's going through the charts, but most of the time I'd find out later.

However, today was different because we had a situation early in day where my preceptor wasn't available to care for our assigned patients, and the nurses, with whom our patients were divided amongst, weren't familiar with the kids. But I was. I had been taking care of them since Friday, and I was able to give the nurses reports on their conditions. Today, instead of working with one preceptor, I worked with 3 different nurses. And since we were short staffed, I was mainly the middle person between the patients and their new nurses.

The nurses I worked with were great, they trusted that I knew the patients and family well enough they listened to me when I told them about the kids' conditions, or asked questions that the family wanted to know, or alerted them about any changes I noticed, and they relayed my assessment to the doctors. They notified me about a new diagnosis of one of my kid and the plan of care the doctors had set. One of them even had me to talk to the doctor and sent me in with him when he went to re-assess the kid while she went to care for another patient. I really felt like I was a part of the team and I'm not shy to say that I was able to step up to the plate and did a good job helping the short-staffed unit today, and boy, that feels good.

It was a really good day today. Now, after working all weekend--three 12.5 hours shift in a row, I am ready to spend Monday sleeping and not thinking of "Damn, that's a whole lotta diapers to weigh and dip...," or "Shit, another fever," or "Alright, P in room 42 needs a stool softener," or means of distraction to get a picky kid to eat so they can go home.

You know, I had never been afraid of clown when I was a kid, but after seeing the clowns that come to the Peds building? Now I understand why some kids scream bloody murder when they see one.

Clowns are not funny! They wear crazy clothes, they put on ghost white powder on their face, bright red blood lipstick, and dark gravely eye shadow, they put pillow or something on their butt to make it protrude like they're backwardly pregnant
(which becomes a problem when the nurses are trying to get from one patient to another and the clown's humongous behind is blocking half of the hallway), their shoes are too big, and so do their smiles (they're too chipper!). What the hell, they are creepy!!! I don't like them clowns. Why I wasn't afraid of them as a kid remains a mystery, especially considering that one of my older brothers once chased me around the house wearing a rubber clown mask with a bread knife when I was about 8 or something. I'm not kidding, he really did that.

I now cringe whenever those clowns come around the corner. To the kids, I want to say to them "Scream away, kiddos, keep those people in ruffles and giant shoes away from you!"

Anyway, other than the clowns, the internship has been good. I get more busy and learn new things each time I come in. Tomorrow will be the first time all the interns will get together after we saw each other last three weeks ago, so it will be interesting to hear about how everyone's experience has been. They will hear about the clowns more than likely.

Defintely not in Texas anymore....

So New York had a heatwave this past weekend and oh how I miss the central AC at my house in Texas. It was so freaking HOT!

Anyway, I had my first 12 hours shift on the floor, and boy was it an eye opener. I can't help but comparing it to the the last hospital where I had my clinical last semester. Perhaps, it's not a fair comparison considering the obvious difference in that my internship is on a Peds floor while the clinical was on an Adult floor, as well as the difference in acuity. Obviously, I can't talk much about these differences due to privacy purposes, so I'm just going to leave it at "It's different."

I've heard about the Peds floor, about how difficult is it for first timer to remember all the baselines for the different ages and to deal with family members on top of the patients. So much can happen in those 12 hours, really. Another new thing that I have to take in is seeing all of those sick children, realizing that, unfortunately, it is real that they are that sick, that they have to go through so much in one day.

And with hailing from Texas and interning in New York comes the inevitable question of "So, are you going to move to New York?", to which I answer "I have a year to think about it." I really do. I love living here in New York, there is that desire to move but of course, there are a lot of other things to be thoroughly considered. We'll see. Stay tune for a year and we'll find out. For now I'm just enjoying the experience while it lasts.

Oh, you know what I saw while walking home from the subway? An ad that says McDonald sells sweet tea! Huzzah!

List.

There is much to be told since the last post, so I'm going to make a list. My brain is a little scattered so this is in no particular order.

1. I've been in orientation all this week from 0800-1630 and next Monday is the last day.

2. Orientation SUCKS.

3. There were lectures of things we've already learned in school such as infection control and pressure ulcer, yadda yadda yadda....

4. It is so boring I had to force myself to drink coffee this morning to keep me awake. Coffee does not make me happy....

5. Oh and we practiced blood draw on fake arms, then they told us we're going to be checked off drawing blood on EACH OTHER.

6. WTH?! I thought we are well past the days of poking fellow students with needles! Heh.

6. Speaking of needles, I've been stuck with needles more time than I would like ever since I arrived in New York: One blood draw from employee service, one blood draw from the check off, and one shot from employee service.

7. Being stuck by needles does not make me happy either.

8. Wednesday has been the most interesting orientation day thus far.

9. I mean, they took us down to the morgue for crying out loud!

10. So of course I saw a dead body being pulled out of the refrigerator and caught a glimpse of an autopsy.

11. Then we went back to the skill lab and drew blood on each other.

12. I thank my new friend J for offering his arm. He is very gentleman-ly like that.

13. J has many a gorgeous vein that I was successful on first try.

14. Also, if you stick a needle in a person and see no flashback in the butterfly, do not--I repeat--DO NOT wiggle the needle trying to get into the person's vein!!!! It hurts, dammit!

15. I received a crash course on Jewish traditions (due to the large population at the hospital), which was interesting because I've never had this situation in Texas.

16. I miss Chick-fill-a and its sweet tea. And chicken fried steak with mash 'tatoes and biscuit.

17. I do not miss my car and driving.

18. I walk a lot here. A LOT.

19. My roommate's cats shed like there is no tomorrow.

20. Hence, the lint roller has become my new bestfriend.

21. I got a laptop. FINALLY.

22. So stay tune for more stories.

Toodles!

So, this is New York, eh?

My first week in New York has been good. I had nothing to do except having to go to the hospital to get health paperworks done--an x-ray and blood draw while we were at it--and I was done. After that day I sat in the apartment thinking oookkaaay, what do I do now? I am not used to having all of this free time on my hands (see a few posts below), and it's like, I have no purpose in life, someone, help me! And let it be said that with free time comes spending money. A lot of money. 'Tis no good.... Need. to. stop. shopping. now.

So living arrangement wise, I'm getting used to it and liking it more and more each day. I live outside of Manhattan with a roommate, who has very kindly welcomed me into her cool apartment in a building with no elevator (*sighs*), who has two cats who are adorable and fluffy and cuddly and can be very weird a lot of times. I've lived with a roommate before, back when I went to Baylor University for a short while, but I've known said roommate before (we're good friends from high school). This time, it's a completely unknown person to me, a friend of an acquaintance, who I've only heard good things about. So this is something new--along with a lot of other new things I have to adapt to, but it's working out well. The roomie is super nice, and I like nice people, yes, I do.

Orientation for the internship starts bright and early on Monday at 8 am. Heh. 8 am is way to early for my brain to function, we'll see how that goes.... I'm getting anxious, wondering if I remember what they taught us in school. All kind of things are running through my head now that orientation is a few days away and actual work (on the Peds floor) is a week away. Do I remember how to take vitals manually? What are the baseline for pediatrics? Do I remember how to assess and know what to look for? Do I remember how to start IV? Draw blood? Give injections? Hang IV's? Holy crap, I am going to make a fool of myself aplenty! They're going to ship me back to Texas!!!

Wish me luck, I have a feeling this is going to be a very interesting 10 weeks. Very interesting....

Packing.

Have I mentioned how much I hate packing? Because I do. Really do. Despise it with passion. And don't even mention unpacking, that is a whole other level of hatred.

But packing I must because I'm leaving for NYC in two weeks. It is more overwhelming than I thought it would be, I don't even know where to begin. Or maybe I'm just saying to cover the fact that I am truly afraid of packing for this move, because then it will be real that I am leaving--albeit for only a summer, and there is always something about leaving for an extended period of time--no matter to where--that scares the crap out of me. Or maybe it 's scary because I am leaving to work instead of just a summer vacation, I am actually being paid for my skills, the skills that are beyond serving food to costumers or putting books on the shelves or teaching math. However, it is a good scary methinks, the kind that is mixed with excitement and anticipation, the kind that is challenging and pushes me out of my comfort zone.

The plan is to bring one huge suitcase and a medium one, the huge one for clothes and the medium one for other things such as shoes and nursing stuffs (textbook(s) for reference, stethoscope, scrubs, and what have you). I figure I'd be in scrubs most of the time anyway, so I don't need to bring that many clothes. Plus, it is inevitable that a girl in NYC will shop. I mean, duh....

Now, I just wish I can have this packing done like in one of those cartoons where inanimate objects come alive, line themselves neatly, and jump into the suitcases one by one with impeccable organization while I sing a happy packing song in an overly cheerful voice. Oh, and help by the animal kingdom is also appreciated, but only little birdies and squirrels are welcomed though, no cockroaches or rats please. And then I happily skip my way to the airport with the suitcases dancing their way too behind me. Ah, how wonderful life would be.... Obviously, I watched too much of those fairy tale Disney movies growing up (Cinderella was my favorite, I have to say).

Anyway, I also found out that I will intern on the pediatrics floor. NICU was my first choice and to be honest, I am slightly disappointed they weren't able to grant me that. Nevertheless, pediatrics would be an amazing place to learn from as well. So I'm excited. And scared. And I still hate packing. And moving. And I hope New York will be nice to me.

A whole new world.

In less than a month, I will leave the great state of Texas to spend the summer in the great state of New York, where I'll be doing my internship. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and scared all mixed into one. It's getting closer and I still find it hard to believe that I've gotten into this program, not to mention that I'm spending 3 months in NYC, one of my favorite places.

I got my tickets and I got a place to live for the summer (with a cool roommate to boot!). Then, my friend Stepha will visit me the weekend before I start orientation, and if last summer's vacation in New York is any indication, we're going to have a blast this year too. Eeeeeppss! I'm so stoked for this summer! It's going to be one heck of an experience, I can hardly wait! I've got 3 finals and a short semester to go before I can leave though, but oh wells, I have greater things to look forward to once I get over those.

Oh and one of my bestfriends is coming for a visit this weekend, yay! She wanted to visit me in New York but she can't due to her busy rotation (she's in PA school) this summer. So she's just
going to visit me now and we're going to try on bridesmaids' dresses for our bestfriend's wedding. FUNNESS!

And yes, I fully realize that am going out the Saturday before finals. But hey, I've been studying this week so it's a much deserved break, and it's not every weekend I get to go out with my girls.
Plus, I would like to come in next week and actually be somewhat sane when I do those exams.

I hope your summer is looking wonderful too!

The one where I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!!!

HOLY FANTASTIC BATMAN!!!! I finally got the long awaited "Are you still interested because you have been accepted" phone call earlier today. HECK YEAH!!! Are you kidding me? I have been waiting for this! PHEW!

This is the out of town internship by the way, my first choice, the one I really really really wanted, and I am just so happy and relief I got in. I just want to thank you my people who have wished me lucked, prayed for me, and gave me support and encouragement from the moment I started compiling the application to when I sent it to when I got the interview to now. The call today wouldn't have been what it is without those prayers.

I have yet to come down from the clouds over this, I'm so grateful and excited for this summer!

Pick me, choose me, HIRE me!

So I haven't received anything from the out of town internship hospital and I called today. Apparently they are having the final meeting by the end of this week or early next week, and the most that they can tell me is that I am in the final group to be considered for the 15 positions they offer. The guy said I should call back at the end of next week, or if they decide earlier than that, they'd call the 15 people who get the internship.

More waiting for me, but that's okay. After a month of waiting, what's another 2 weeks, right? Plus, I am just relieved that I survived the elimination and made it to the final round. Dang, this sounds like American Idol, except with no singing and judging and public voting.

I haven't heard anything from the in town internship either, although my friend who already works there as a CNA and applied for the summer internship has been offered the position, but no one else in our class who applied has head anything other than that.

So for now, I'm just sittin', wishin', hopin'....

Dream.

Last night, I had a dream that I got the out of town internship that I wanted. When I was a kid, someone told me that what happens in your dream, the opposite will happen in reality, but, I know some who say otherwise. The point is, I am never one to read into dreams or to be superstitious, so I'm not going to read into this. It probably happened because it's been on my mind a lot, and I have been anxiously waiting for the answer now that it is mid-March, which when the recruiter said I will receive the yes or no letter.

Anyway, clinical went well tonight, I was on postpartum. Post-conference, though, was something else. Have I ever said that my OB CI is a comedienne as well? Well, let it be said now that she is HIL-freaking-ARIOUS!

And and and, SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!!! WAAAHOOOO!!!! Granted, I have to study for the big ass Acute test the Monday we come back, but pssshhh, I can still SLEEP in for a week! A WEEK, I say! *dances*

Rainy days and Mondays

I forgot I took this with my phone yesterday, but this is what I saw from school 2 hours before I had to walk to the hospital for the interview. I can clearly see the strong wind blowing the rain from the window, and for a second I considered calling the recruiter to let them know I might be coming in completely drenched in rain water.


Thank God, the rain stopped pouring by the time I had to make the trek to the hospital. It was still raining, but I manage to stay dry from ankles up. Phew! And good thing I wore black pants!

Um, like, you know....

I don't know what to think of the interview today. I interviewed with the first person and was asked the general interview questions, and I did well. It was the second part with a different person that I struggled. I was able to answer the questions without stuttering or saying um's, like's, but still, I'm not feeling all that confident about it. I was asked a lot of scenario type of questions, a lot of "what would you do if" and "how would you handle it if" questions. We'll see how I did when I hear from them in April. I'm still waiting on a notice from the out of town one, the letter should get here this week or next week at the latest, but it needs to get here sooooon!!! I want to knooooow!!!

The one with the job interview, part deux.

So a magnet hospital in town called Tuesday evening to schedule an interview for the externship job this summer. This is the only hospital in town I applied to and I've been waiting for this call, so it was a nice to finally heard from them. It's the same hospital I had my problematic (see previous post) Acute clinical at, and when they called, I was actually there picking up a patient. Anyhoo, interview is scheduled for Monday afternoon after class.

I haven't heard from the out of town externship I had the phone interview for. I should hear from it sometimes next week, or the week after at the latest. We shall see.

I think I'm handling the anxiety/fear/nervous level I wrote about the previous post about Acute clinical better this week. I wasn't as much of a wreck as I had been two weeks before, and that's a good improvement. I think my charge nurse was part of the reason too, she was so nice and helpful, plus my CI knows who the R.N. well and trusts her. Hence, I was left alone for the most part. Also, CI let me do a procedure (empty and change a stoma bag and stoma care) with an R.N. without her being in the room! When I first told CI the opportunity had come up and asked if she could be there so I can do it, I was thinking I'd be lucky if she even wants me to do it and be in the room, let alone leave with me with the nurse, because she's very adamant about us not being able to do anything if she's not there, even if we have the R.N. teaching/watching.

So this week was a week of surprises, a good week to my anxiety and worry ridden self. Also, prayers work, they really do.

The one with the job interview.

I did it.

I calmed myself down and said a little prayer before I called in at 11 am, waited a century to be connected to the recruiter, answered the questions the best my mind could think at that moment, and I did it.

Last night, I wrote down possible questions that the recruiter might ask and what I want to say. Today, only two of those were asked. The rest, I had to think quick to come up with the answers. I'd like to think I did pretty good, and I'm trying not to replay it in my mind and think about what I could've or should have said because that is just useless.

I will get the notice of whether I get accepted or not in mid-March. That is a long time for waiting, but that's the way it goes. So, we'll see.

Today, I received news that I will have a phone interview with a big magnet hospital in another state for an internship spot over the summer.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

Out of all the hospitals I applied for, this is the one I wanted the most. I was told that I am 1 of the 30 applicants (out of how many, I don't know) picked to be interviewed, and then half of that will get the spot. So I am a step or two away from getting it. Just need to do fabulous on the phone interview tomorrow.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

This is my first "real" interview. None of that campus bookstore, dining, registrar office, or whatever kind of interview. I want it so badly that I immediately called someone I knew has had a lot of experiences in being interviewed to get pointers, and tonight I sure am going to write down the possible questions and how I'm going to answer them.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

I wish my bestfriend is here to calm me down because I am

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.