5.16.2009.

I just applied for graduation.

I will be walking in that cap and gown across the stage on May 16, 2009.

Wow, I, and the other 64 people in my class, finally get to say that. I don't know how they feel, but I'm pretty stoked about it.

But scared too, because ohmahgaah this is it I'm going to be a real nurse and how the heck am I going to do that when I feel so inadequate and incompetence and I don't know anything and jebus am I going to make it am I going to be a good nurse there are patients' lives on the line here!!!

Yeah, it freaks me out, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

School does its best to teach and provide us with experience, but it's nothing like the real thing. How many times have I gone to clinicals and come across drugs that I never heard before in class? How many of the machines I saw, when I had clinical at the Cardiac Recovery Unit that one time, can I name and tell you what they're for? Heck, I'm a senior II and how many IV have I put in? None. And how many venipuncture have I done? Only one, and that wasn't even on a patient, it was on my internship friend for a check off (and yes, my friend did one on me too).

But then, it always surprises me at how much I know that I didn't know I know before. I know, I just lost you right there. Do you know what I mean? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What I mean is that, the general feeling among the seniors is that we don't know anything. It's like, wait-how many conditions does this patient have? How do you pronounce this drug?! What is that futuristic looking machine is for? They did what on that patient?! Is he gonna cra--holy sh*** BP's dropping--fast--he is crashing! Will we know how to think and act critically? My own immediate answer to that question used to be "No.... I don't know...maybe?" But now I'm starting to think differently, in that I think I know more than I thought I do.

Today is an example, we had a 50 questions pharmacology exam that wasn't counted for a grade, just to see what we know so far; students usually don't do so hot on this impromptu exam. During the review, the instructor asked, "Once you start Iron therapy in an anemic person, how many days will it take until you see some improvement?" There was a lot of answer thrown out, "a month" being the most common I heard, but "120 days" just rolled off my tongue. I wasn't shouting it out to be heard to the class, more like saying it to myself, and I didn't hear if anyone else has shouted "120 days" also. I was just thinking, "120 days, that's the lifespan of adult Red Blood Cells, you have to wait 120 days for the new RBC's to see some result from that Iron."

And I was right.

My exact thought at that moment was, "Huh. Where did that come from?! How did I come up with that?!" While the grade of that exam is a failing one by the school's standard, it's still better than what I expected and it's higher than the class average. I've been surprised at myself a lot--especially in the last semester, perhaps it's time for me to start setting higher expectations of myself.

I guess what I need to keep telling myself from now until that May graduation day is that I am more competent than I thought I am, and I am more than I give myself credit for. I have been pushing myself to trust my gut and go for it for the past year, and I've found out that--actually--more often than not, I was doing and/or saying the right thing. It's like this whole nursing thing has finally been coming together in my head, unbeknown to me, and I am now starting to realize it. Although, I still have to admit that believeing in yourself is sometimes easier said than done in this world.

There is still much learning to be done and confidence to be built in on my part.

But you better your bottom dollar I'll be as ready as I can be when 5.16.2009 comes along.

Huh. That's weird....

You know what I've been noticing?

I cannot recite my cell phone number in my native tongue.

No, I am not kidding.

Everytime someone--who speaks my first language--asks, I'd start telling them in said language but when I get to the last 4 digits I have to stop and cannot, for the life of me, remember it in that language. I have to repeat the number again in my head in English and resort to saying the rest of the numbers in English.

This happens every.single.time. Am I weird or what?!

Do you also wanna know what else I've known all along but has just been confirmed now?

I am slightly deaf. Or even mildly deaf.

I've known this. I find myself asking for a repeat whenever someone speaks really soft or whisper. Last year when we practice for head to toe assessment check off, I sometimes couldn't pass the whisper hearing test, to a point where my partner and I promised on what words she was going to say (Wednesday to the left ear, Saturday to the right ear) so I would be able to say those for sure instead of keep asking "what?!" and end up distracting her assessment routine (we were already a nervous wreck doing a 30-40 minutes routine under the watchful eyes of our instructor). Then last Wednesday as we practice hearing and vision screening for a check off, we did the Sweep hearing test on each other with the machine and I couldn't hear the last 4000 Hz on a 25 decibel. Forgot how far my friend went up on the decibel before I can finally hear all three of the 1000 Hz, 2000 Hz, and 4000 Hz. Or maybe it was so bad and embarrassing that I am in denial and choose to forget it.

My vision is already not perfect--although, it was a relief that I still have 20/20 on this prescription, which hasn't gone up in two years based on my early exam. Then I have this memory confusion thing. And now I have hearing problem, too? Will a hearing aid be in a near future? Gah, I am such an old person!

They better give me senior discounts for this crap.

For serious!

Ready to launch.

I have been thinking.

A lot.

I have put in so much into this decision and I'm going to commit to it and do my parts to go through with it.

I'm moving to New York City in June 2009.

For some people, this isn't a surprise, even for you (I have no idea how many--if there is any) if you've been following my blog because I've talked many times about my amazing summer there. But now, now I'm saying it out loud and putting it out there. I didn't just make this decision in the time following my summer stint there. Although it sealed the deal, my journey to have come to this point began more than 3 years ago.

I visited NYC for the first time in 2005, and I fell in love. There is just something about it that charmed its way into my life and managed to stay since then. For a while I thought I'd move a year or two after graduation, but for the last year or so I knew if I'm ever going to make this dream of mine come true, I have to move right after graduation. Then the internship fell into my lap, an offer I couldn't refuse, and the 3 months I spent there confirmed every reason I have for moving and drove away every doubt I had about making the move--okay, maybe not entirely drove away the doubts, but those doubts were greatly minimized to a point where I am not afraid of them anymore.

A lot of people want to move to NYC, it has a lot to offer: the fun, the lifestyle, the people; it's the best City in the world, they say. I have many reasons too. Out of the places I have traveled to in the U.S., NYC is on top of the "Yeah, I can see living here..." list. I just feel like I fit there, and I am not alone in thinking this way. My family and friends are very supportive and encouraging, telling me that they, too, can see me living there and making it.

I've been where I live now ever since I moved to this country, that is 9 years ago, and by now, I'm getting restless. I want to go to the next level of my life, where I'm out of my comfort zone, where I can grow as a person, where I can open my eyes and see more of what this world can offer, where I can meet new people, where I can make a difference. I'm young and this is my time to spread my wings, if we want to be cliche here.

Having said all of this, I do think that I'm not going to live there forever. I do feel very strongly that once I'm settling down, I'll move somewhere calmer, even come back to this Texan city that has been my second home. In my 23 year old mind, there is no way that I see myself raising a family in the jungle that is New York City, but this will be another decision I will have to make when I get to this bridge years from now. For now, let's just deal with actually moving there first before any thoughts of moving away from there.

This decision has been more than 3 years in the making and you have no idea how much I am relieved and excited to be able to say it out loud that yes, I am moving to New York City in June 2009. Yes, I am and will be making arrangements from now till then. Yes, if God's willing, I'm going to start my nursing career and a new life there.

With my last semester of nursing school--oh man, I can't believe I get to finally say that, my.last.semester. Wow, where has time gone?--starting next week, I'm excited and nervous all mushed into one. A lot will happen within the next 5 months let alone in the rest of the 12 months of this year, in a life changing way at that--applying for jobs in the City, job interviews, HESI, graduation, moving, NCLEX. It's overwhelming I can barely keep my head from exploding.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to launch this year. I'm ready for what may come. I have my faith, I have my family and my friends, I have myself to carry me through. Intermission is almost over, let's get Act II of the Senior Year rollin'!

Silenced.

Today was supposed to be an exciting day. My bestfriend is getting married tomorrow, and today is the wedding rehearsal, and we're all getting so pumped up already.

But this morning I woke up with a call, informing me that one of our friends at church has died this morning at the hospital. I knew she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks already, admitted from bouts of stomach ache and throwing up to a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer stage 3, but I still didn't see this news coming. I saw her last on New YearIt's Eve, she was weak but in good spirit. She was only 28 years old.

I'm saddened, for her family and for all of us who have lost such a sweet and kind friend. She is loved by many and will be missed. I'm asking everyone to send her family good thoughts and prayers, even if you don't know them.

It's just a reminded, once again, that life is simply too short and we will never know where it's going to take us. Here we are, ready to celebrate this wedding tomorrow, almost everyone at church is involved or at least will be at the wedding, yet today, we received this horrible news. It's ironic. She was going to be an usher at the wedding, but I believe this morning the angels has ushered her into the gates he heaven.

I will miss you, L.

Vegetative.

Just dropping by to say that I've been living the glorious live of vegging for the past 3 weeks ever since the semester was done. Glorious, I say. No school, no studying, no problem. I sleep when I want, I get up when I want, I run errands when I want. Normal life, I have missed you so.

Christmas was made of wins, and I'm hoping it is the same for New Year. I'll try to follow up with a longer post to sum up 2008, but in the meanwhile this will do.

I wish all of you are having a wonderful holiday and all the best in the new year!

The Nurse Book.

I was browsing rows of children books for birthday gifts (I try to give books instead of toys) at a local budget bookstore when I came across this Nurse book for kids and I fell in love with it. I thought it was so cute and clever that I can't resist not buying it. It has little explanations of what a nurse does and the different type of nurses with pictures of equipments used. It's no neat! Even the cashier told me, "Isn't this the cutest thing ever?!" as I paid for it.

I'm keeping it as a keepsake, and oneday I'll give it to my kid(s). Let it be said that my kid(s) will grow up reading books, and this will be one of them. Gah, I can't get over how cute it is. I'm such a dork!

Let it snow!

White flurries started to fall this Wednesday afternoon, and as my friends and I sat at a bar celebrating the end of the semester, those small white flurries turned to snow flakes that fell from the sky as if it was a white curtain drawing close our stage as we finished "The Final Exams" scene of Act I of "The Senior Year". It couldn't be a more fitting closure to this chaotic first half of our play. We started off with Hurricane Ike and ended with a freezing weather topped with snow. Darn that mother nature! But for now, we can rest in our dressing room for a 6 weeks intermission before Act II starts.

And for the record, the last time it snowed in this city was 4 years ago. And when it does snow, it's never that much snow, so excuse us for going ga-ga with this snow thing because we don't usually get this kind of thing down here.

Let me shout it out, because I can: I AM D.O.N.E! Done done done done done!!!! I can't describe how relieve I am that it is all over and I can finally breathe again. Today's final was fair, much like the Pedi final. I passed that Adult final with flying colors and rounded up a high B for the class. It feels really good to finally be able to say "I have one semester left in nursing school"--a little scary too, but good, nonetheless.

Like I have mentioned before, I have 6 weeks intermission before Act II starts. 6 weeks that I am very much looking forward to spend enjoying a normal life. SUUUHHHWWWEEEET!!!

Finals update

Okay, Pedi final? It was great and it was fair. Me likes. Bagged a B for the semester in that one.

Psych final, on the other hand, was an atrocity of epic proportion. It was brutal and it was verbose. I thought I was supposed to take a Mental Health exam not a Literature exam where we're supposed to analyze a character's (or client's in this case) statements and read between the lines to figure out which one out of four awfully similar statements is the correct one. 100 questions of a lot of this type of question, my goodness, that was one painfully long final. One question is like a paragraph taken out of a Faulkner novel. Jebus.... And you know you're not the only one with this sentiment when everyone else said the same exact thing afterward.

Needless to say, I scored one point away from a B on that final, yielding me a high C for the semester. Dammit, I was thatclose to a B! But I'm glad I pass after my not so hot performance on the first exam of this class.

Tomorrow is adult and because I scored a high A on the mini-HESI last week that counted 20%, I have a lot of cushion. And because of that, I'm procrastinating right now. And I get to, because I've been studying non stop since I got back from Thanksgiving break and I can't take it anymore. I'm taking it easy tonight.

Tomorrow is the day I'm officially done with Senior I. WOOT!

The play.

Act I of "The Senior Year" is almost done. The curtain is ready to close the stage for a 6 weeks intermission. The final number of Act I start tomorrow, and it's called "The Final Exam". I am one already tired and cranky participant of this production, and I can't wait to prop my feet up on the couch in my dressing room during intermission.

I'm envisioning how glorious Wednesday after 3 pm will be as we finish this Act. We'll finish "The Final Exam" and the curtain will draw close, and we are done. Oh, how the sky will open up, revealing a chorus of angels singing a melodious song of freedom. Oh, sweet sweet freedom, I can taste it. I'm ready for it. I can't wait for it. I want it. I need it.

Just three more days. Three more days of being stuck with textbooks and staring at notes after notes. Three more days until I can sweep those books and notes off my bed and crash until however long my body desires. Three more days until I can sleep in, instead of waking up at an ungodly hour of the morning to start all over again the routine with the books and notes. Three more days until I don't have to worry about what to study the next day.

Just three more days until the 6 weeks intermission will start before the curtain will open again for Act II of "The Senior Year". I'm not going to pass out on the stage just yet. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Just three more days....

Back to business.

After a glorious Thanksgiving, it's time to get back to business: studying for finals. This Thursday, the school decided to give us a "mini-HESI" as they call it, as if we don't have enough stressors already. Then, next Monday is Peds final, Tuesday is Psych final, and Wednesday is Adult final, and then I am done as Senior I.

I have zero motivation to study at the moment, but I'm pushing myself to. My whole class and I are just so freaking tired of this chaotic semester already, that we lost the drive to finish off the last 2 weeks. We just hanging around, trying to find whatever left of our energy to study and get these last 2 weeks of the semester over and done with. Our grades have been all over the place and lower than usual all semester long, and a lot of people aren't happy, and my goodness, this semester sucks, and we just want to pass it, darnit!!! Keep us in your prayers, it's been a very hard 4 months for us, with Hurricane Ike screwing us up big time, and we're trying to survive 2 more weeks with our sanity intact. I surely hope all of you reading have a better time the last 4 months, I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

For the rest of the week, I will be chained to my desk, please come visit and say "Hi" as I will see very little--if none at all--of the outside world for the rest of the week.