Oh baby!

I don't know if I like the fact that babies just pop out whenever, wherever, and however they want. Las night I was on mother-baby, which, I'm not going to lie, tres boring. The mama was progressing very slowly, only opening 1 cm more every 2 hours. She was 3 cm when I came and was 5 cm an hour before I had to leave. In the meanwhile, my friend's patient had the baby within 30 minutes of us stepping on the floor. My other friend's patient had the baby 2 hours later. So there I was thinking, well that's it for me, no birth witnessing for me tonight. Bah humbug....

But half an hour before I had to leave for post conference, my nurse check the cervix because patient said she was having a lot of pressure in her pelvic. Lo and behold, we got a 10 cm and a baby in the birth canal on its way out. Alright! Let's get this show started!

The birth went smoothly, plus, my instructor wasn't mad that I was late to post conference. In my defense, I was by the bed and can't get out anyway with the doctors and the equipment tray in the way. Honest to blog, I was stuck, and heck yeah I'm glad I was stuck!

By the way, this letter for the out of town externship just could not come any slower. I wanna knoooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!

The one with the job interview, part deux.

So a magnet hospital in town called Tuesday evening to schedule an interview for the externship job this summer. This is the only hospital in town I applied to and I've been waiting for this call, so it was a nice to finally heard from them. It's the same hospital I had my problematic (see previous post) Acute clinical at, and when they called, I was actually there picking up a patient. Anyhoo, interview is scheduled for Monday afternoon after class.

I haven't heard from the out of town externship I had the phone interview for. I should hear from it sometimes next week, or the week after at the latest. We shall see.

I think I'm handling the anxiety/fear/nervous level I wrote about the previous post about Acute clinical better this week. I wasn't as much of a wreck as I had been two weeks before, and that's a good improvement. I think my charge nurse was part of the reason too, she was so nice and helpful, plus my CI knows who the R.N. well and trusts her. Hence, I was left alone for the most part. Also, CI let me do a procedure (empty and change a stoma bag and stoma care) with an R.N. without her being in the room! When I first told CI the opportunity had come up and asked if she could be there so I can do it, I was thinking I'd be lucky if she even wants me to do it and be in the room, let alone leave with me with the nurse, because she's very adamant about us not being able to do anything if she's not there, even if we have the R.N. teaching/watching.

So this week was a week of surprises, a good week to my anxiety and worry ridden self. Also, prayers work, they really do.

On the more serious note.

So I'm going to be open and talk about feelings for a little bit. Yes, feelings and all things personal, because when I decided to make this blog it's not for fame or millions visits per day or anything like that, I wanted it to be a diary of my journey through nursing school so that I could look back at the written memories (and I'm only lucky and grateful when I see the few comments and support here and there) someday, and those include the good and the bad. And this post particularly about the bad and I think it should be written as a part of the memory.

Remember a few posts back when I wrote about the gruel that is the Adult/Acute (I keep forgetting what I call this class/clinical on this blog, let's just say it's Acute because next semester it's Chronic) clinical? Well, at first I look at it a t a challenge--well, I still do, in a sense. But I think it's either that first week I got grilled really shook me bad or I just want to be good at it so bad or I'm just plain so overwhelmed that I have this feeling of being terrorized by this clinical. This nightmare of I'm going to mess up and my instructor is going to chew me out for it, in front of everybody nonetheless.

I have this nervousness comes Monday night because Tuesday I have to pick a patient and it will keep me up late to do the drugs information and calculation and do a sort of plan of care for the next morning. Then this anxiousness comes Tuesday night and I couldn't sleep well because of it. Then this fear come and stay with me from the moment I wake up Wednesday morning until I finish clinical. And the thing that bothers me the most is that I know I'm worrying for nothing because I've done good so far, yet I can't shake the nervous, the anxiety, and the fear off. I know I made up for that first week, CI even praised my care plan, I know she knows I'm trying and I'm prepared. All I want is to come to clinical without having this unreasonable fear and doubt that are just, ugh, so negative!

Dang it, positive thinking, where did you go?!!

I don't like this me. Something has just been "off" with me lately, can't pinpoint exactly what. Something--or things--just changed and I'm...different, I guess. I feel like I'm back to being a teenager, in that awkward stage and not knowing who I am, trying to figure things out. It's as if everything I know of just shifted, and if only I know how to catch up with it. It could be the stress too that is getting into me, this past month and a half has been a blur of a lot of thing that are just chaotic in nature.

Needless to say, I've made an appointment to see the school counselor sometimes soon. I figure I'd better make use of this "free" service--well, we paid for it in our tuition, but it's still not paying $200/hour to sit on a shrink's couch anywhere else in this city.

Plus, there is nothing like telling your friends "Hey, I have an appointment with my shrink on this day at this time!" and watching their faces change when they assume you're this damaged little soul with so many problems that you need a psychologist's help.

I'm just kidding.

Anyway, hopefully I'd grow out of this weird phase soon.

The one with the poo.

Okay, I get it. I get why parents can be obsessed with their baby's poops.

I spent today's clinical at the newborn nursery, and having changed many poopy diapers, all I want to tell my friends now is the many kind of poops I saw. I mean, did you know that a cutie patootie baby can generate a poop of gross epic proportion?! And it that color?! And in that form?!! And that often?! Who would've thunk it?!

I also believe my kidlet invented a new game called "Oops, I did it again!", in which I change the dirty diaper, turn around for a second to dump it in the trash, only to find upon return that the kidlet has pooped--again--and peed--again. Anyway, today was a good one--a really good one--aside from how many times my baby pooped.

Oh, one more thing, counting newborn's heart rate is another story. It sounds easy when they say "You count for 6 seconds then times 1o", not so easy when heart rate goes 123456789101112131415 in 6 seconds.... I think I lost track and had to redo it several times before getting it right. Oh, and I gave erythromycin eye ointment and vitamin K shot. Yay!

And by now I am also tone deaf to newborn cries....

Different.

I just made my first C of the semester and I'm not even feeling bummed. Usually, I'd be disappointed, today I'm like...blah, whatever.

This is very weird.

First, I didn't care about studying (I made a high B on that test luckily) and now I don't care that I got a C?! Something is wrong. I don't quite like this new "I don't care" mode. It unnerves me.

The day in the life.

What a nursing student does in her rare day off:


I cleaned my room.

I pulled out my cousin's unused desk from the garage, went to Target to get me some cheap bookcase, put away the piles of clothes on my bed and on the bathroom floor, and pretty much get things off the floor.

All of those was long over due and the result is a far cry from this picture I posted a few posts back. Although, give me two weeks--or a month top--and I will have clothes and books littered on the floor. And another month will go by before I get a chance to tidy up again.

Just another part of being a nursing student who always runs out of time....

The fruit of my all-nighter.

I like it when my hardwork paid off. Like today.

I stayed up Monday night to work on the drugs for the care plan due on Wednesday. I talked about how tough this CI is a few posts back, and she wanted the care plan to have certain things. By certain, I mean very specific. She wants our reasoning on why the lab values are abnormal and what should we do, and the drugs needs--beside the name/action/why given to patient/dose/frequency/route/side effects/nursing implications info--to be calculated (calculating IV drip rate is a pain in the ass btw) and compared against the safe dosage range, and whether or not it's safe. Blah blah blah, the whole nine yard.

It sounds easy when CI was explaining it, like, oh well, all that is expected in a care plan anyway, but when your patient has 20 something drugs? I was ready to jump off a cliff.

But I worked my butt off Monday night. I did everything I could think of as I rather go overboard then having CI finds it unsatisfactory. So I had no sleep on Monday, got ready for school at 5 and off to the bus park and ride I went. I had class at 8 Tuesday morning, and survived the next 3 hours lecture on a can of Monster energy drink, my new life saver.

Then I have to go pick up my patient for clinical Wednesday morning. Then I have to do the drugs AGAIN for the new patient. Then I have to study my new patient's condition and plan patient's care, because I told myself I am not going to be unprepared like last week. I finally went to bed at 10:30 beyond exhausted.

I got to the hospital at 6:40 this morning, ready to go, only to find out my patient is being discharge at 11 am. Great, so I had to find a new patient and got myself oriented with them. CI was nice today though, she was in a good mood.

Anyway, at post conference today, we discussed the care plan thing since this was our first one and CI wasn't exactly satisfied at some that she saw. I was so nervous when she was looking though all of our care plans to see if there was any that was up to her standard. Then she picked mine. I recognize it before she even said it was mine, and I just wanted to melt to the ground. I thought goodess, here comes another grilling.

But then she said something to my group about not beating me up after this because she was about to give my care plan a gold medal. Heck, at that time I don't even care if my group shoves me into the bathroom stall after this, I was just RELIEVED she didn't make me do it over!

So I did wonderful on the care plan, CI is very satisfied with it. I had a good clinical day, in which I made it out unscathed. I have no OB clinical tomorrow because CI is out on a conference.

And all of this means, I CAN HAVE EIGHT HOURS OF SLEEP TONIGHT!!!!! HUUZZZAAAAHH!!!

Unmotivated.

Ugh, this lazy spell has got to go!!!

I have a big Acute test tomorrow and what have I done so far? Not much. I've been "studying" if I could say. I've only studied the notes and have a complete disinterest in the textbook (have only started to open it only to stare at it). The amount of time I've spent procrastinating is also amazingly plentiful.

And the thing that worried me the most is not the test tomorrow. It is that I feel like I could care less about it. It's worth 30%, it's the first test, it covers a LOT of materials, I should be FREAKING OUT by now! And I'm not. I'm lazily flipping through the book like...whatever.

What is wrong with me??!!! Bah, I don't like this. This is so not me. Yet, I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything differently.

I am doomed.

The one with the job interview.

I did it.

I calmed myself down and said a little prayer before I called in at 11 am, waited a century to be connected to the recruiter, answered the questions the best my mind could think at that moment, and I did it.

Last night, I wrote down possible questions that the recruiter might ask and what I want to say. Today, only two of those were asked. The rest, I had to think quick to come up with the answers. I'd like to think I did pretty good, and I'm trying not to replay it in my mind and think about what I could've or should have said because that is just useless.

I will get the notice of whether I get accepted or not in mid-March. That is a long time for waiting, but that's the way it goes. So, we'll see.

Today, I received news that I will have a phone interview with a big magnet hospital in another state for an internship spot over the summer.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

Out of all the hospitals I applied for, this is the one I wanted the most. I was told that I am 1 of the 30 applicants (out of how many, I don't know) picked to be interviewed, and then half of that will get the spot. So I am a step or two away from getting it. Just need to do fabulous on the phone interview tomorrow.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

This is my first "real" interview. None of that campus bookstore, dining, registrar office, or whatever kind of interview. I want it so badly that I immediately called someone I knew has had a lot of experiences in being interviewed to get pointers, and tonight I sure am going to write down the possible questions and how I'm going to answer them.

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.

I wish my bestfriend is here to calm me down because I am

SO. FREAKING. NERVOUS.