Relief.

I passed the head to toe check off, huzzaaaahh!!!

Our group started at 1 pm and I was the last person to go. Waiting, he is not my friend, not at all. The group met at 12 to prepare our presentation on Monday and we were very calm and collected, that is until our instructor stepped into the room to chat for a bit then left to get the exam room ready, then it hit us that "Holy crap this is it!" and the stomach started doing flip flop and gah! *diesdead*

But we all did well and passed, phew. A few fumbles here and there and definitely some laughable moments between my lab partner and I, but it was all in good fun. What made my day the most was the first thing my instructor said to me on my evaluation, "You need to be a Nurse Practitioner, you got it. You're that good, one of the best I've ever had." If that didn't send me over the moon, I don't know what would. I was so dumbfounded, I only managed a meek "Really?"

At the end of the semester like this, when I'm already too tired to get my lazy butt up to gear up for finals and goshdarnit I want this to be over and dammit I want my Christmas break now, a comment like that truly made my day, if not my whole semester. I was looking forward for something from my clinical evaluation, but my CI gave generic scores on everyone's evaluation sheet and only briefly touched down on our individual performance.

However, today I got what I was looking for. The affirmation that yes, I am doing something right, and not only on tests, but on skills; that yes, after months of that self esteem shooting low
due to um, not knowing what the heck am I doing because I'm a first year, I am actually capable of doing this. All I needed was that evaluation and encouragement she gave, and I knew I could do this again next semester.

Oh, and a bunch of us went out to celebrate our head to toe passing tonight. Hmm, margaritas and sushi are yummy. :D

Chaotic.

I don't think I ever feel this exhausted in my life, not even after the debacle that is the flight delays that got my stranded overnight at Chicago's O'Hare airport en route to New York this summer (finally touched down at La Guardia 30 hours after I left home). I don't think I will fully recover from this Thanksgiving trip until Christmas break. The trip was great, but the trip home was a 12 hours bus ride. No fun.

Then today I found out that instead of going for head to toe next Thursday, I'm going this Thursday. Part of me is glad because then I can get it over and start studying for finals in peace, plus I already got 70% of it down in practice and just need to go over musculoskeletal, then I'll be good to go. But part of me is going berserk because OHMYFREAKENGODHEADTOTOEISTHIS THURSDAY!!! *kaplunks*

Tomorrow will be chaos chaos chaos.... And it will continue to be so because after head to toe, there are group presentations, finals, and portfolio.

I'm gonna make it to Christmas break alive. I'm gonna make it to Christmas break alive. I'm gonna make it to Christmas break alive.....

Gobble Gobble

I'm done with the last exams before finals start, in which I got 96 on Concepts, 90 on Pharmacology, 85 on Assessment. Mwaahahhaa....

Thanksgiving break is finally here, but heh, I'm not really excited because Thanksgiving break = practicing for head to toe check off = NO FUN! Plus, I'm going on a church trip--a 12 hour bus trip. Needless to say, I'm bringing my Assessment book, stethoscope, reflex hammer, pen light, and what have you with me, and you bet your bottom dollar I'd be practicing on my roommate any chance I get a break. The poor thing....

Oh, so on Sunday whilst at the neighborhood Starbucks (studying of course), the barista said a completely different thing than the medical center Starbucks barista. This one said, "I love your outfit, it's very Audrey Hepburn!" Hah! Them non medical center baristas are so sheltered from the world of sleep deprived and stressed out health related students....

Today, I woke up at 10:20 am. 10:20! That's the latest I've slept in for in like 6 months, though after waking up at 4 am the last 7 Tuesdays, I was frantic when I saw 10:20 on the clock.

First, I thought "WTH?! Why am I not at the hospital?!"
Second, I thought my CI is going to kill me.
Third, I thought it's going to take at least 10 minutes trying to locate my scrubs amidst the pile of clothes on in my room.
Fourth, I thought, "Oh, wait a minute...."
Fifth, I thought "Dammit, I could've studied more head to toe had I woken up earlier!!!"

Gah, my head is so screwed. There is nothing up there beside school, hospital, and studying. My bestfriend informed me this weekend that she got stressed just by watching me study. Meanwhile, my other bestfriend, who is studying to be a Physician Assistant, studied with me while she was in town visiting during her in-between-rotation break. I guess I'm not alone in the world of nerdyness....

Anyway, I have to start packing for the trip. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving, eat aplenty and be safe!

It is finished.

I am done with clinicals, huzzah!!! I can't believe that next Tuesday I no longer have to wake up at an ungodly hour of the morning. So long Med/Surg floor! We had a little celebration today at post conference. CI brought us lunch and we got him a cookie cake since it's his birthday this weekend. 'Twas lovely.

Clinical has been a great learning experience and my first CI has been nothing but helpful and encouraging. I'm satisfied with the evaluation he gave today, there are areas to improve of course, like not being shy to talk to the patients to build a better rapport and taking more initiatives with the charge nurses, but CI said I'll improve in time. Out of the good feedback he gave, I'm most happy that he said I relate theory to practice, adapt readily to changes, and seek learning opportunities, meaning I'm proactive, yay!

On this last day, I was not on the floor actually. I was in the OR observing a laparoscopic Roux en Y Gastric Bypass, which was interesting. Surgery and I have a love/hate relationship. On one hand I love watching procedures and I kinda sorta wanna be a scrub nurse. Only kinda sorta though, because on the other hand I hate the standing and the cold temperature and the lack of patient-nurse interaction. Yes, there is that doctor-nurse interaction and it could be a fun and laid-back one like today, but I know that's not always the case. Let's face it, a jerkhead surgeon will most likely curse you out if God forbid you're 3 seconds late handing him the ten blade. So for now, surgery is not in the cards for me. Every once in a while, I'll get a shadowing opportunity for the OR experience, but as far as career field go....*throws it out the window*

Oh, the Pharm test this evening? Yeah, the respiratory drugs killed me. I did great on the other parts, but respiratory...bah! I knew the drugs and the classes they're in, but I choked on their mechanisms. I knew Beclovert is a corticosteroid, but I went blank on the fact that it reduces inflammation. How the heck did that blanking happen??!! Ugh, I hate the way my mind works sometimes....

In the meanwhile, I have 1 test, 1 head to toe check off, and 3 finals to go before the semester is over and I can catch up on sleep and cleaning the room. The room...oh the room...it looks like my closet flew in there and exploded in the middle of it. Tres messy....

'Tis me

Besides the typical I love family, friends, dog, God, blah blah blah....

Loves her life.
Makes it a mission to make it better and successful and content.
Pushes herself to step out of her comfort zone.

Finds writing therapeutic.
Wishes she has time to write more.
Wishes she has skill (and the aforementioned time) to write a book.
Cannot type correctly to save her life.
Spell check is her hero.

Completely in love with children.
Makes it a mission to work with children someday.
Wants to be a Peds nurse or NICU nurse.
Would like to adopt, regardless of my biological capability.

Has learned she can live without a lot of things.
Has learned she can do a lot of things.
Has learned she can be a lot of things.
Has continued to find who she is and who she is not.
Has gone 3 months without shopping.
Has grown to love cupcakes.

Loves to travel.
Makes it a mission to travel at least once a year.
Makes it a mission to go on a mission trip more than once.

Loves talking to her patients.
Loves listening to her patients.
Wishes she has more skill to strike a good conversation with new people.

Completely in love with books.
Wishes she has more time to read.

Completely in love with Broadway.
Makes it a mission to see at least one show a year.

Does not particularly like the club scene.
But enjoys an occasional drinks or glass of wine.

Loves to learn.
Loves to laugh.
Loves a deep talk with friends.

Hates traffic.
Hates rudeness.
Hates indecisiveness.
Hates boredom.

Is fascinated by the world of medicine.
Treasures pictures.
Finds beauty in little things.
Appreciates quiet time.

Thinks ignorance is for chumps.

Likes challenge and busyness.
Cannot live without music.
Knows a comfortable silence in a company of friends is good.
Easily amused.

Still cannot believe she got a 94 on that Concept test last week.
Is anxious about Pharmacology test on Tuesday.
Cannot believe clinical is almost over.

Thinks it's time to go to bed.

Is it that obvious?

Starbucks, 6:45 this morning.

Barista: "Hey, how are ya doin' this morning."

Me: "Okay." (considering I spent the past week studying for today's Concepts test)

Barista: "Hangin' in there?"

Me: "Yeah...test this morning."

Barista: "Aaaaahhhhh.... (in that no-wonder-she-looks-so-haggard tone) Need your caffeine, huh?"

Me: "Mmm hmm....."

Barista: "Good luck!"

Me: "Thanks."

I guess it's either the barista is really perceptive or I wear the tired and stressed out nursing student face really well. The dark circles under the eyes gave it away methinks.

And it should be illegal to be that chipper that early in the morning....

Sicko

Repeat this mantra: I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick i am not sick....

I've been sneezing since yesterday and I woke up with a stuffy nose this morning. I am not that sick yet, and God forbid I get to be that sick.

I made it through the ever freezing Metro bus--why the bus is always cold even when the AC above me is off, I don't know--for 3 months without getting sick, and now, now that I am 3 tests, 1 grand round presentation, 2 clinicals, 1 group presentation, 1 head to toe check off, and 3 finals (all in the next 6 weeks) away from finishing my first semester at nursing school, there is the impending cold. Great....

NOT!

And this is why I hate taking meds: they make me groggy. I'm not sure if the studying today was any good since I was feeling so drugged up. Meh.....

My goal is to not crash and burn until Thanksgiving week. In between now and then, I have 2 clinicals, 1 grand round presentation, and 3 tests.

I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick I am not sick....

Good day.

Today, I was supposed to go to the OR at Designated Hospital. Alas, the educator was "on vacation" and the nurses at the station didn't know what to do with me. I overheard a nurse telling another to just "give her scrubs and send her into any room", which was replied with "I ain't sending no student to no room with no educator!" By this time I was lost with the many misuse of "no" and asked them to page my instructor.

I went back to my floor only to be taken to my group mate's patient's room right away; group mate had gone home sick. I was very unprepared, only knew the patient's surgical procedure and how many days post-op when CI introduced me to said patient and charge nurse. To make me even more anxious, the charge nurse was a strict and tough one, which I actually would like to have if I knew more about my patient and was prepared. The only thing I had on me was my ID badge and nothing else, not even my stethoscope, as we were told we'd leave everything in an unlocked and therefore unsafe locker in the OR lounge. Fortunately, I managed to compose myself soon enough to follow and comprehend the charge nurse's 180 mph instructions and to inform the doctor my patient's meds info when he asked.

Relieved was an understatement of how I was when the shift was over. CI later gave me a pat in the back and told me I did great considering I stepped in at the last minute, so that was a very nice bonus. Another cherry on top is that I got an 88 on my Assessment test, which brought up my average from a low C to a B. Yay! Normally, I wouldn't too happy with an 88, but nursing school isn't normal and I've bid my all A's goodbye, so I welcome 88 with open arms. My study buddies did well too, and that is always nice because then we know we're doing something right. Looks like I've finally found my soul study partners. Hee!

World Spins Madly On

…and it spins fast too.

Is this what it means when they talk about objective vertigo in that Assessment textbook? The person feels as if everything around them is spinning?

At least that’s how I feel. My world is not spinning out of control per se, it just spins…faster, way faster than it used to be. I’ve been trying my best to get a hang of it, alas, no such luck yet. Things come my way in bulks and they swoosh away before I get to the bottom of it most of the time, and I’m left exhausted at the end. I wonder if I’ll ever catch up or find my footing soon…or ever again.

The wind is blowing harsher, too. My hairs are strewn all over my face, covering my eyes. Sometimes, I can barely see what is before me. I reach one hand to hold my hair back so I can see the road ahead while the other one gripped my pole of faith, bringing it close to my heart as I try to take a step forward. My feet start to tremble as the wind blows hard against me, lifting and swirling particles of the earth and blocking my vision. I struggle to set my feet firmly on the ground, “If I fall then so be it,” I thought, “I have my source of strength here with me.” And I do fall, but not for long. It’s not always easy getting up, but it always worthy of trying. I use my ever presence pole of faith to pull myself up, slowly but surely, until I regain my balance and stand up straight once again. Then I dust the dirt of my knees and continue on the journey.

I do wonder, sometimes, if I’ve made the right decision or where this particular road leads to or what the other roads are like. Does the wind there blow as stormy as it does here? Do things churn heavily and quickly as they do here? Does it take this long to get to the end? But there is this little voice I can hear clearly amidst the chaos that is my surrounding. His voice tells me to keep going and trying, to keep my chin up and my eyes straight ahead, to keep moving forward on this path I’ve chosen, and most importantly, to keep that pole of faith in my hands.

Then there things along this road that don’t go as fast as the others do. The people who have been in my life are still around me, I don’t see them as often as I would love to, but I know they’re cheering for me as I go on. They might be somewhere else in this big world and I can’t see them within my field of vision, but I believe technology will keep them in my world always. Perhaps, the most exciting are the new people I’ve met along the way, those whose worlds are spinning as madly and as vastly as is mine. In the short time I’ve come to know them, we have laughed and whined together, and we have made each other smile. They push me forward when I stop on the same spot too long and I them.

In all of this madness, the one thing that keeps me hanging on is hope. The hope of a new strength for each day. The hope that the heavy wind will turn into a gentle breeze. The hope of the ability to regain my footing. The hope that I will find what and who I am looking for. The hope of where this road could branch to. The hope of what I will be. The hope of the rain He will send now that I have prepared—and am continuing to prepare for—the field.

So throw me a rope to hold me in place. Show me a clock for counting my days down….

Nightmarish weekend, but oh haaaaay next week!

Friday: Studied with study buddies at the library. We were there for 10 hours.

Saturday: Studied with study buddies at the library for another 10 hours. Brain is thisclose to being dead and fried.Sunday: Church. Will review and will have ENOUGH sleep.

Monday: Judgment day. Test at 2 pm. Will finish care plan tonight.

Tuesday: OR, no patient care this week, hee hee!

Wednesday-Sunday: NO CLASS, Thursday lab has been dismissed. Hooooraaay! Dancing in the street! Woooot!

No class means I can study for that Concepts test two weeks for now with no rush and definitely no 10 hours library study session with buddies--at least not until a week before the test. No class also means I will finally have time to get a haircut, move back to my grandparents' house (which is actually only a block away from the aunt and uncle's), spend time with my bestfriend, and watch Avenue Q!

I love you, next week! I'll love you even more if I did well on this Assessment test....and find a few bills on the street...and win the lottery...Ok, I'll shut up now....