What I got myself into....

.iCare.

2010-05-06T18:25:00.004-05:00

Every once in a while, I'd come across a patient who would inspire me.

Make me think about things.

Ask some questions to myself.

Ponder about life.

And write about it.

I took care of this particular patient, let's call them S, for 2 nights. During one of our chats, S told a story of why they were here in the first place. S began by telling me that (S) came to Texas for a prisoner who was to be executed. S was the prisoner's spiritual mentor, and the prisoner has requested to be baptized by S before the execution.

Almost a decade ago, S' heart was moved to write to someone in prison. After some research as to how this can be done, S got the information of this prisoner. So S began to write to this stranger several states and thousands miles away.

As letters were exchanged, they began to know each other. S said the prisoner was someone who had been hardened by many abuses and many hardships in the past. Through the years, S had became a friend and a spiritual mentor for this prisoner. So when the day came for the execution, the prisoner had requested S to come to pray and baptize (the prisoner).

However, through unfortunate twist of fate, S got ill and had to be admitted. Although S got to speak with this person through phone, the chance to meet was forever gone. Luckily, S had a friend in town who was able to visit the prisoner, prayed and baptized (the prisoner) before the execution. But still....

Can you imagine yourself in the prisoner's position?

Through all your years, life had been terribly hard for you. Abuse after abuse, failure after failure, and you never seem to catch a break. You thought your life was over the second you hear that death sentence. You waited in prison for the day they would come and tell you the day you will die. You thought no one loved you, no one cared. Until one day, you got a letter from this stranger.

Perhaps for the first time in your life, someone listened to you. Encouraged you. Did not judge you. Cared about you. Loved you. And most importantly, this stranger introduced you to Jesus. In the past, you must have heard about God and Jesus, but you didn't know what They are all about. But now you know, thanks to this stranger. And now you had been saved.

You know when the day came, you want this person who had become your mentor to be there. To finally meet the person who had given so much to you. To finally thank this person. To be baptized by this person. And the truth is, this person came for you.

Still, the two of you will never meet.

Can you imagine yourself in S' position?

You had your life, a good one, and for an unknown reason you got this urge to start a ministry by writing to someone in prison. You began with the first letter, not knowing what would come out of it, whether this stranger thousands miles away will respond--if any--to your letter. You waited, and maybe to your surprise, you got a reply in the mail.

You started to exchanged letters, to get to know this prisoner and the story of (the prisoner's) life. You kept writing, and you found yourself caring for this soul. You knew that that what this stranger needed was someone who cared and who had faith in (the prisoner). Before you knew it, one letter had turned into a decade of letters. You had become a mentor, a friend, a guidance to this person you have never met. You saw as this person changed and grew over the decade. You came to love this person just as your God loved you.

Then the day came, and as you had promised, you made the trip to finally meet this person you had befriended and were so proud of. Alas, life threw you a curve ball and you ended up in the hospital. You didn't get a chance to meet this person, only to hear the voice on the phone.

There is a sadness in this story, but there is a whole lot of greater joy. There is that disappointment that they couldn't meet at last, but there is a satisfaction in knowing that they will meet in heaven one day.

I thought about S. The choice that S had made to give, care, and love for an unknown person. More so, a person who had been branded by society and law as a bad person. Isn't that just amazing? 10 years. 10 years, S spent nurturing this person through letters. And through those 10 years, S brought this person from a dark place to a brighter one.

It made me think about if I have ever done something like that. If I could ever do something like that. Could I give a part of myself caring for another soul to the extend that S did? It's not an easy thing.

Have we done that recently? Or ever? I'm not talking about us googling "how to write to a prisoner" in the next 10 minutes and start picking up the pen like S did. It could be any kind of act or person, looking past their looks or actions, and just...care for them without hoping for any reward in return.

At the end of her story, S said, "Sometimes what a person needs is just someone to talk to, someone who would listen to them, someone who cares."

And S is right.

Like a Scene from a Horror Movie.

2010-03-26T14:32:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was thisclose to screaming when I opened the dirty equipment room (it's basically where we store used equiptment such is IV pumps and walkers and what have you before they're picked up by the hospital central supply) at my unit. In the middle of the night. I was honest to goodness surprised...and scared.

As a line from a Bones episode says, "He screams like a slutty girl number one in a teen horror movie."

Except, I would very like to point out, I am not slutty. Nor am I a teen. Nor did I scream (almost though).

Gah.

Not good for my heart.

The story goes that I received a few STAT orders for a patient who had just been transferred from the MICU last night. The patient already had an IV pump with 3 channels and 2 drips running, but I needed 1 more channel for the 4th drip that was being ordered. So, I ordered one from CS (central supply) and also asked around if anyone in the unit had an extra channel, because I knew it was going to take a while before I'd actually get mine from CS.

Alas, no one had extra. So then I reverted to the dirty equipment room, armed with the wipes we use to sanitize all things dirty. It wasn't actually a room, more like a closet. As I opened the door, my eyes looked down, as that's where used IV pumps usually sit. And this play by play happened in a matter of two seconds.

Lo and behold...

I saw feet...

Then I saw hospital gown...

Then it registered to me that someone--who has feet--was sitting in the closet.

"What the flippin' hell?!?!?!?!"

My eyes shot further up as I thought, "What psycho patient we have in this unit sitting in the closet in the middle night?!?!?!?!!"

And I saw a face...

"Holy s***!!!!!!"

Dead face....

*heart jumped and raced*

Staring back at me...

Reflex told me to scream, but it got caught in my throat when I soon realized that it was a dummy, not a PERSON, that was sitting on a chair in that closet.

Again, "What the flippin' hell?!?!?!?"

What in the name of all things bizarre does a DUMMY doing inside a closet of a medical unit?!?! A dummy belong in the lab, in nursing school's lab or the hospital's lab where we practice code blue and do simulations. What is a dummy doing there?!?! And here I thought this unit had just turned into a psych ward, especially with the influx of crazy patients lately (which I'm still working on writing about).

Oh man, I was so flabbergasted it's not even funny.

Needless to say, there was no IV pump nor channel over there.

There was, however, a dummy's arm on the floor.

And I'm very thankful that dummy wasn't holding a plastic knife in its hand.

Gah.

Weekend.

2010-02-27T00:40:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, when my friends or family hear that I have to work over the weekend, they would say, "Your schedule sucks!" Granted, at our unit, we have to work 2 weekends per month, a total of 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays, which is an average for health care workers. Of course, scheduling doesn't always go the way we wanted. An example is my schedule for March, where I am scheduled an overtime on a Saturday, bringing a total of 3 Saturdays where I have to work. I drew the line there, I'm not doing overtime on a weekend. I'm still holding out hope that my manager can fix my crappy March schedule.

I do not mind working on the 2 weekends I'm required to quite frankly. It is a bummer that, sometimes, I cannot spend those time with my friends and family like "normal" people do, but I have accepted the sacrifices that come with this job. It sucks, but we get over it. I have come to term with the fact that, that is just a part of the job as a nurse. I work in health care, and the hospital opens 24/7. Wouldn't you want someone to work over the weekends and holidays if your loved ones are the ones in the hospital? Wouldn't you want us there, regardless of the time and date of the year, if it were your loved ones?

Another front runner question is, "You work all the time!" Um, excuse me? I work 3 days a week, with an occasional 4th day as an overtime when my unit really needs it. Just because I don't show up to an event over the weekend, doesn't mean I have been working the whole week PLUS weekend. Another benefit of 3 days/week schedule is that, on occasion, I can arrange my schedule to where I can have 4 days weekend or 5 days off for vacation without my boss rejecting it or taking away my actual vacation/sick days. That way, I can save my PTO's for longer vacation or even sell it. Heck, I can take off for a 5 days vacation once a month without my PTO's running out if i want to. How many of the regular 9-5'ers can do that?

I've come to a realization this week, that I actually don't mind weekend because I find that I get more rest from having 3 days off during the week than having a 3 day weekend. Why, you might ask?

Because I'm active in my church, so I'm always doing something church related at one point or another over the course of Friday to Sunday. Friday night is youth group, Saturday morning is church music practice, Sunday 11am is church, and that's just the routine without any additional church event we may have. So between church and other things with friends and/or family, I'm almost always on the run and weekends feel like they fly by too fast. And if I'm off over a weekend, that means I only get a day or two off during the week. Which means, I barely get time to myself.

Whereas, like this week, I was off on Sunday, worked Monday and Tuesday, was off Wednesday-Friday, then I'll come back Saturday (tomorrow). Those 3 days off mid-week haven been heaven. Even when I have errands, I can still relax without worrying I have to be somewhere at a certain time. I can go to bed as late as I please and sleep in the next morning. THAT, my friends, is my kind of weekend, one where I actually rested and enjoyed it.

Someone once told me that, as nurses, you make your own weekend. Our schedule is different than everyone else, so we make our own. We'd make our own weekend in the middle of the week, and we've come to love Memorial day as a holiday. That is the sacrifices we, health care workers, make in order to ensure your loved ones are taken care of. We are in the business of being a service to others, and we give up quite a lot of ourselves in order to do that.

So, the next time you hear me or your other health care friends who have to work over the weekend or holiday, the least you can do is to think for a moment before you utter something ignorant. While I'm honored that you'd want me or your friends to be with you on those special days, think about the sick people at the hospital who need us more, and be grateful that there are people like us, who sacrifice our time for them. You never know when it is your turn to need us to be there at the hospital to take care of you. Even on weekends on holidays.

A Tale of a Night Shift from Hell.

2010-02-17T08:39:00.005-06:00

The one where my patient flew over the cuckoo's nest, and the resident refused to order restraints, and the surgeon got upset from being waken up and hung up on me.

This is for all of you who think that night shift is easy because all your patients are asleep, and if they're not, you can just give them sleeping pill or ask the on call team for Ativan or Ambien.

I digress. Because if that was the case, I wouldn't be sitting here at home at almost 9 in the morning, eating a meal that I was supposed to eat about 9 hours ago but didn't because I was so dang busy and caught up in the mess that was Patient Cuckoo.

Mind you, some information has been somewhat altered to be vague to honor this thing called privacy. So here goes the tale:

Once upon a night shift (last night), one of Nurse Cee's (me) patients happened to have altered mental status (for you, laman audience, that's the fancy medically and politically correct term for crazy). The only good thing about the patient was that due to their diagnosis, they're not able to get out of bed to run naked in the hallway. However, arms were still flailing freely and mouth was speaking non-sense in angry and inappropriate terms.

At report, there were many a thing to be done with this patient. Ativan needed to be changed to q 4 hours (because Nurse Cee cannot live on Ativan q 8 hours alone with this patient), Foley catheter needed to be re-inserted (the previous one was pulled out by the patient), banana bag needed to be started. Then, Nurse Cee also found out that this patient was to have surgery in the morning and consent needed to be signed (we'll come back to this later in great details).

To make this hell-ish tale short, Nurse Cee managed to get the Ativan changed. However, her request to the resident on call for restraints was denied, only an order for a sitter was received. And after much verbal harassment from the patient, Nurse Cee managed to get the Ativan into the IV access.

The patient was somewhat more calm (and I use the term "calm" loosely in this story), but Nurse Cee then made a decision that it would be wise to wait until the sitter arrive at 11 pm before she would attempt any Foley insertion, as well as another IV (the current IV isn't good for running fluid). The, ehem, rationale (my nursing school instructors would be proud at the use of "rationale") is that a sitter would be there to watch the patient and can prevent them from removing any line.

In the meanwhile, Nurse Cee also had 4 other patients. 2 were alright, 1 was alright but had a series of tests to be done, and a new admission that came in at the start of the shift with orders of labs, blood cultures, urine samples, and a port-a-cath to be accessed. All of this were almost taken care of while waiting for the clock to strike 11 and for the sitter arrive to sit with the patient.

To make the story short, again, Nurse Cee managed to insert a beautiful IV while the sitter held the patient down. Then off she went to take another patient for a scan. Alas, when she got back to the floor, and just as she was about to give the next dose of Ativan to Patient Cuckoo, she received news that the patient has pulled that beautiful new IV. Her reaction was, "WTH??!!!" The charge nurse's reaction was, "What was the sitter doing?! We had a sitter so this wouldn't happen!" Apparently, instead of watching the patient, the sitter was Facebooking on the portable computer. By this point, Nurse Cee had fumes blowing out of her ears and the inability to decide whether to strangle the patient first or the sitter.

Nurse Cee then informed the resident on call of the situation and requested an order for a BUE restraints for the second time. Haldol was instead ordered, and restraints were denied. The resident's rationale was, "Well, that's "Doctor who shall remain nameless"'s patient, I don't want to restraint "Doctor who shall remain nameless"' patient."

Let me tell you that this "Doctor who shall remain nameless" is a very important and powerful figure in the hospital, who happened to be on the teaching service for a few weeks. The "Doctor who shall remain nameless" is like the resident and my boss' boss' boss' boss' boss'...and so on. Nurse Cee understood where the resident was coming from, but for crying out loud, it would make her night easier if the resident would just get over their sissy behind and order the restraints. DIDN'T YOU HEAR, O FEARFUL RESIDENT, THAT THIS PATIENT HAD PULLED OUT A FOLEY AND IV AND IS REFUSING EVERYTHING??!! What, you want to wait until Patient Cuckoo hit the sitter before you finally order the restraints?! Oh wells, Nurse Cee rest her case. At least she tried--twice. She had to settle with Haldol this time.

So then Nurse Cee had to deal with the consent for the surgery. For you who don't understand, the performing physician must talk to the patient about the procedure and risks involved, and the patient must sign the consent in order for the procedure to take place. Now, the physician is supposed to have the patient sign the consent, but nurses can obtain the signature of the patient ONLY if the nurse knows that the physician has talked to the patient.

Nurse Cee then thought, "Wait a minute, this patient is out of his mind. How can he understand what this procedure is for? Has the surgeon really talk to them? Even if the surgeon did, this patient has no clear understanding whatsoever!"

So Nurse Cee paged the surgeon, and was only in the middle of her first sentence of why she was calling, when the surgeon angrily interrupted her and said that he did not appreciate to be woken up for something that is not emergency. Then dial tone. He hung up on Nurse Cee, and Nurse Cee thought that surgeon was the biggest asshat on the planet. She hadn't even gotten a chance to inform Surgeon Asshat of the situation. But oh wells, Surgeon Asshat was going to pay for it in the morning.

To make this story short, morning came and OR called to ask if Patient Cuckoo was ready. Um, no, he was not ready because consent hasn't been signed because the patient is absolutely not in their right mind and the Surgeon Asshat hung up on Nurse Cee before she could explain the situation.

Thus began the phone calls triangle between Nurse Cee and the OR nurse and the PACU nurse, trying to figure out how to solve this. Surgeon Asshat was paged one more time and Nurse Cee volunteered to privilege of talking to Surgeon Asshat to the charge nurse. Of course, Surgeon Asshat didn't know how to proceed and tried to dump the responsibility to the OR nurse, who then called Nurse Cee again to have her basically inform Surgeon Asshat that (surgeon Asshat) needed to grow some balls and make a decision about what to do here. Afterall, it's the physician's decision of how to proceed when the patient is in this state. Nurses cannot obtain consent unless the patient understands. Nurse Cee wasn't about to jeopardize her license, period.

Nurse Cee informed the Chaplain, the charge nurse, the incoming day RN, and wrote in great details about this whole debacle on the chart. Basically, Nurse Cee covered her ass and Surgeon Asshat can kiss that ass.

This tale does not include the details of how Nurse Cee managed to draw blood and re-insert that Foley from Patient Cuckoo's struggling and flailing extremities. Let it be said that between Patient Cuckoo and the other 4 patients, Nurse Cee had no break, no meal, and no drink last night.

Nurse Cee also very much like to kick the resident who refused to order restraints and inflict more bodily harm on Surgeon Asshat. With those two and Patient Cuckoo combined, Nurse Cee wanted to crawl into a hole and cry in fetal position many many times last night.

The End.

First.

2010-02-15T08:59:00.003-06:00

There is always a first of everything. Including a first patient death.

One where I wasn't a student nurse or with a preceptor. One where I am the nurse. One where I am who the family members go to in the aftermath. One where I am person who will handle the post mortem care: completing technical hospital procedure as well as being sensitive to what the family needed in term of emotional support, which was a hard balance to find.

I don't know why I've gotten attached to the patient on the previous post. Maybe because they were so kind and so brave, in their darkest hour. Maybe because I was touched by the love and support I see between them, the desire to fight for more time to live. Maybe because what they went through was all too familiar to me--that they reminded me of Grampa and my family 1.5 years ago.

Maybe I am crazy, but as I got off my shift yesterday morning, I was hoping that if that one were to die, that one would die on my shift, on my watch. Perhaps, I needed it for closure. Perhaps, the day shift RN rubbed me the wrong way and I wanted that family to have someone who would care about them as people and not just another patient.

Sure enough, that one patient died an hour after my shift started. Time of death: 20:00.

When I came on shift, the family still--well, I wouldn't call it "cheer" in the mourning state that they were in, but let's just say they were still glad to see that I was their nurse last night, as they always have. They, too, knew that the time was coming. I knew I was not the only staff who felt attached to that patient, as one by one, I saw some of the day shift staff stopped by the patient's room to say goodbye as they were leaving. Some shed tears, some held that patient's hand for a few moment, some hugged the family members and offered any word of comfort they can think of.

Within the next 5 hours--between making and getting phone calls, readying the body for the morgue, making sure the family members are as okay as they can be, and helping them resolve issues that have surfaced, I was drained.

Fortunately, I work with an awesome group of people. A charge nurse who was so understanding that I would be tied up in post mortem care, that she did not give me an admission until I was settled. Fellow RN's who gladly volunteer information and help as to what I needed to do to complete the hospital's post mortem policy. A PCA who kindly helped me as I removed all lines and tubes from the body so that the patient would look more presentable to the family and ready to be transferred to the morgue.

It was hard in the beginning. It would be easier if I could just cry with the family instead of having to restrain myself so that I can do my job. In the end, I am just glad that it's now over.

That one.

2010-02-14T09:02:00.004-06:00

I don't know about other nurses or health care workers, but for me, no matter how many code blue you have seen and been a part of, no matter of many patient's death you have witnessed, it doesn't get any easier when it is actually your own patient.

One who you have taken care of over a period of time. One who and whose family you have gotten to know--well enough that you know what makes them comfortable and what doesn't, what can alleviate the pain beside the pain meds and what cannot. One whose concerns you have fought for to the doctors, pharmacy, respiratory therapist--code status, pain meds, breathing treatment, you name it. One who and whose family have cheered whenever you walked into their room and they realized you were their nurse for that night.

That one.

One who has been transferred in and out of your unit for the past several weeks. One who, everytime they had left, you thought you'd never see them again because they were going to get better. Oh, how you thought wrong, because that one kept coming back. Each time with one more tube in place, one more complication surfacing, one more step forward but two more steps back, one more of their will to live given up. From independent to total care. From having a voice to none. From full code to DNR. From lively brown eyes to two pools of despair.

You know this is coming, but you'd like to think that it would happen slowly and eventually and peacefully, giving this family to grief and come to term together. But again, you thought wrong.

It doesn't get any easier for me when I discovered certain vital signs and critical lab values nearing the end of my shift this morning and I knew what kind of serious condition has befallen him. It doesn't get any easier for me to realize that that one is dying--soon and now--from all of these complications that seem to be one upping each other.

It doesn't get any easier for me to see the family members clutching each other, crying, knowing that they might lose him sooner than they would like to. It doesn't get any easier for me to not shed my own tears when I finally got home after a long emotionally spent night and crashed on my bed.

It doesn't get any easier for me when all I can think of and hope for now, is for them to still be there when I come back tonight.

It just doesn't get any easier for me when it's a patient near and dear to me who is dying.

Update.

2009-08-20T14:15:00.004-05:00

Whew, I need to stop abandoning this blog! I haven't been in the mood of writing lately, even though there is much I want to say. So here's an update of what's been going on in my life. I miss writing about nursing experiences, but I'm about to start my first job as a RN soon, so I hope hope hope that will get me back to writing. :)

Summer.

I like summer. After years of schooling, summer signifies a break for me. I’m not sure it will stay that way, now that I’m entering the working force—the real world, yo!—where you just keep on slaving away and summer will become just another season.

I’ve had two very interesting consecutive summers. Last summer, I was having the time of my life interning in New York. This summer, however, was quite the opposite. If last year I was in cloud nine, this year I often found myself in the deepest solitude. It doesn’t mean that it has been a bad summer, but it is just a summer full of introspections.

I graduated, I looked for a job, I didn’t get a job, I became a Registered nurse, I looked for some more jobs, and I finally got a job right at the eve of summer’s end. It was fitting, a full circle if I can say. I had many hopes at the beginning of this summer, but when those hopes didn’t materialize in reality and I found myself idle in this seemingly long summer, I realized that it was time to do some thinking.

As much as I was frustrated this summer, I am thankful that I had the time to reorganize my thoughts. Years of school being my priority did not leave much time to think about anything else, but now that I am done, I have all the time in the world to see things I had not seen before. I looked back to what has happened, to what God has done in my life, and to what I have become. Then, I looked to the future to set up new goals, to open myself up for new possibilities that God has in store for me, and to figure out what I want to become.

Life is about change, and knowing when to make that change.

Job.

The single word of “job” has overtaken my summer. The single quest to find one was enough to drive me nuts and leave me drained. But let me tell you the miracle of how I finally landed the job.

I had truly liked the unit where I did my last clinical at a highly reputable hospital in medical center. I had liked my preceptors. I had liked the unit director and the manager. I had like the nurses, the PCA’s, the unit secretaries, the whole staff basically. Although, I had not like this type of unit before I did this clinical, I had liked it two weeks into my clinical. Midway through the rotation, I started to feel like I know what I was doing and I was welcomed as a part of the team. A bunch of the staff had come up to tell me to work there after graduation, some had told me to come in wearing their uniform scrubs next time I’d come for clinical because I was already like one of their own, and even the patients’ meal service lady started calling me “baby co-worker”.

I gave my resume to the unit director two days before my last clinical. What I thought was supposed to be a short meeting between she and I turned out to be an encounter between she, the unit’s manager, the unit’s clinical educator, my preceptor, and I. They were all so excited about my desire to return, and the only rain on that parade was the lack of budget the unit had to hire more nurses.

I was disappointed, of course, but I kept in touch the unit director. We briefly exchanged emails ay the beginning of summer, and I never heard from her again. The summer saw me applying for various jobs and even interviewed, with no luck in landing an actual job. Also added to the equation was the complexity that is my international status. I was at my wit’s end trying to get a job.

I had lost hope for that unit, until on a whim, I decided to shoot the director an email saying that I had just passed my board and still interested to work there. She replied with words that she should hear about an opening in a week or two and that she had forwarded my resume to her recruiter. I thought it was just another false hope, so I didn’t think much of it. Lo and behold, the recruiter called a week later.

As I was talking to the recruiter, I kept waiting for her to schedule an interview. She never did. Instead, she scheduled for me to come in to take a medication exam. HOLD UP, I thought, medication exam isn’t supposed to be taken until one has passed all the rounds of interview and has gotten the manager’s seal of approval. Then, she kept on talking about doing background check and drug screen and paperwork, and I thought, WAIT A MINUTE, did she just offer me…?!

For a good week, I marveled at this fast turn of event. Did I just get a job?! OH YES I DID! Of course, I was still worried about my status holding me back, but they did not make a problem out of it. I claim this job in the name of Jesus, and as of now, I start orientation of my new job at the end of the month. I knew that this will come eventually, because I have faith that He will always come through. I just didn’t expect it to be this way with everything happening so fast once it started. But based on my experiences, He rarely does thing the traditional way. He’s funny like that.

The next level.

I’m content with my life, but I also know that, when God has finished a chapter, He has something better for the next one. Hence, I’ve been asking Him to take me to the next level. I need new challenges. I need experiences I’ve never had before. I need to build on my characters. But where do I go? What do I do? How do I prepare for this? How can I be a better person? It is a process, and it is not an easy one. I won’t know all the answers at once, but I’m willing to submit to His molding. That’s what I know for now.

One year.

2009-07-27T13:57:00.002-05:00

While July 27^th marks the birthday of my twin nieces, it is also the day my Grampa died. The nieces that I have never met turn two this year, and the Grampa I’ve known my whole life has been gone for a year. It is an odd day for me, partly happy and partly sad, and the only common thing about it is that I yearn to see them.

I had been in New York doing my internship when I got the news that he was in the hospital, and my family had told me to stay put because he seemed to be on his way to recovery. However, almost a week later, when I asked my aunt again if I should go home that weekend, she said yes. I flew back on a Thursday and ended up staying home until the following Tuesday. He had been in the hospital for about 2 weeks, but we finally brought him home that Friday afternoon.

Early Sunday morning, around 5:30 to 6 am, my tearful Gramma woke me up. Being a student nurse at the time, the only one in the family who has medical knowledge, I was the first person Gramma called when she thought he had died. I rushed to his room, but I stopped on my track once I saw him. He looked different, and I knew he was gone. Nevertheless, I tried to find a pulse, begging God to let me feel one, but there was none. I looked at my Gramma and told her that, indeed, he was gone. I woke my uncles up, called my aunt, my brother, and my parents in Jakarta to let them know. That was a weekend I’d carry with me for the rest of my life. I don’t think I can forget having to confirm that my Grampa was dead and to break that news to the rest of my family.

A year flew by, and I thought of him often since then. I believe it’s safe to say that we all have missed him terribly. He was there through his grandchildren’s childhood, often visiting us bearing treats and taking us on a trip to the amusement parks, and sometimes, I just wished he could be here a little bit longer to see our life stories unfold now that almost all of us are grown ups. In the past 365 days, my brother J had gotten married and bought a house, my cousin C and I had graduated from universities—she a teacher and I a nurse, my cousin M had graduated from high school and is heading to college this fall, my cousin V had bought a house, my cousin K had given birth to E—his third great granddaughter, and my cousin S had gotten married. At every single of this event that we have celebrated, I wished he was here with us.

I know that he is in a better place and that he’s watching from heaven. However, I still can’t help but wish to have him here, there is a longing to see him walk down the aisles with Gramma at their grandkids’ weddings, to see him hold and play with his great grandkids, to see him be taken on a tour inside the houses that his grandkids own, to see him watch us graduate and be who we’re meant to be. More than anything, I wish Gramma still had him here with her.

The house has gotten quieter in the past year, and that has become our new normal. A new normal, in which we’d carry on with our lives, but, every now and then, we wish he was still here.

WTH?!

2009-07-13T00:51:00.008-05:00

excuse the non capitalized blog entry. i just need to get this out of my head.

not gonna lie, i'm having a WTH?! situation right now.
no, not a moment.
a situation.
as in...it's longer and bigger than a moment.

no, it's not a bad "i'm hating this" kinda WTH?! but in a more..."i'm so confuzzled by this turn of event, but hey i'm going along with it" kinda WTH?!. what gives you may ask?

lemme explain.

for more than 5 years, i've wanted to be a nurse. i still do. i went through tough times, jumped a lot of hoops, and made sacrifices until i finally graduated from a nursing school almost 2 months ago (has really been 2 months already?!). i hold a bachelor of science degree in nursing, heck, i'm now a registered nurse. so i'm not wrong in expecting that i'd be doing a nursing job right about now, am i? like, you know, working in a hospital, taking care of patients, the way i have dreamed myself doing for the past, oh, five years? i'm not insane for thinking that it should happen right about now or anytime soon, right?

the reality is, i'm not doing that thing i've been dreaming myself doing for the past, oh, five years. a few months ago, i thought i had everything lined up and everything would go according to what i have dreamed myself doing for the past, oh, five years. but nope, as it is with life, it has a penchant for screwing over your plan. okay i take that back, not "screw over", i don't like to call it "screw over" because i believe that the big Guy up there always has surprises, and those always turn out beyond what i thought was best.

anyway, the point is, i'm not doing anything that i'm expecting and expected to be doing. not YET. i think "yet" is the key word here. jobs are scarce, even in the nursing field, which a lot of people don't believe but it's true. so finding a nursing job is harder than it used to, interviews are hard to come by, and competitiveness increases. not to mention my international student status that has become a hindrance. i believe the job will come. HOWEVER.

i'm doing something else right now that just comes out of the left field. something i've never dreamed myself doing in the past, oh, five years. it just sort of...happened, like a small snowball that grew ginormous as it rolls down the hill.

it's called...photography.

i've always have a thing for photos ever since i moved to the states 10 years ago. it came from being away from my loved ones, and wanting to share this new life i'm rebuilding with them. i'd buy film rolls all the time, making sure i was ready to capture every event to be sent back to my family and friends back home. as if i needed to let them know that, look, i'm okay here and this is what's going on with me. as if i needed to tell my parents that they made the right decision in sending me so far away at such a young age without them, because look at the pictures, i'm getting the opportunities they wanted me to have. it started from there, but i wasn't intrigued until eight years later (by this time i've said goodbye to rolls of film and have said hello to digital photography).

two years ago (ironically, this was also the time i started nursing school), i don't remember what sparked it, i became enamored with photos. i saw photos more than just a way to preserve memories. there is an art to it. there is a thought and a planning that goes into creating a photo. it's more than just a snap or a click. it's beautiful.

i then dived into the world of flickr. i'd become enraptured by the photos i see, the different subjects by the different styles of the different photographers. i wonder to myself, how can one creates images so...amazing? soon enough, i found a select group of photographers i like, and i follow their stream of photos daily. from those photographers, i started learning how to take pictures, and what to do with them afterward to make it your own.

it grew from an interest, to a hobby, to a serious hobby, and now to something possibly bigger that i've yet to know what to call it. when i posted pictures on my facebook, it was and is for the fun of it. i didn't expect the overwhelming positive responses i've gotten, and definitely didn't expect people to ask me for my photographing service. this is when the WTH?! comes in.

speaking of the now, i'm supposed to be doing nursing, but i find myself being asked "can you take my baby's pictures?" more than one occasion. so you see why this is a WTH?! situation for me? a confusing one at that? because i know more about nursing than photography. i went to school to be a nurse, not to be a photographer. i can figure out how to handle a crashing patient faster than i can figure out what aperture, shutter, and iso setting i need to use in a room. i can understand an ecg strip better than i can understand what those buttons are for in a photoshop software. i know very little about photography. my knowledge and technique are minuscule. there is a phrase "play it by ear", well, so far i play it by eye when it comes to photography.

recently, people have come out of the woods to tell me i have talent in photography. my nursing instructor said i could revert to it if nursing, by some weird kink in the universe, doesn't work out. my own mother said it and even encouraged me to take photography classes. some even went to say that perhaps i'm in the wrong career path and should switch to photography (to that i refuse to believe. i'm not in the wrong career path, i just have to make it bigger in the future for two careers. i can be a nurse and a photographer on the side, and i will be).

here i am, wondering, how on earth did this turn of event happen?! me, who's supposed to be a nurse right now and who only has a small grain of knowledge in photography, have people actually like my photos enough that they'd ask me to take photos of their kids?! taking pictures for someone is an honor, let me tell you, and these are their children they want me to take pictures of. so excuse me while i let out a big WTH?!

i'm not abandoning nursing. i'm a nurse. i still love nursing and it's still my priority. i'm still looking for a job, the job i've been dreaming myself doing for the past, oh, five years. for now, photography is just something that falls on my lap while i'm on this job search. but the rate it is growing, the irony, and the unexpected element of it are just enough to warrant a WTH?!. God makes life funny for me sometimes, and i'm like, haha *nervous laughs* good one, good one.

i don't know where this leads me. it's nice, i'm not complaining. i enjoy photography, it gives me a different satisfaction than what nursing gives me. but i'm just confused and wondering what's gonna come outta this and why now when i'm supposed to be doing something else. it's a good WTH?! though, because i'm going outside of the box here. photography isn't my comfort zone, it is an uncharted territory that's been given to me, and i'm taking it.

i don't know what He has up His sleeve at the moment, but alright, i'm going with His flow. but, for now, i just can't help but to let out a WTH?!....

.RN.

2009-07-05T14:37:00.007-05:00

I know I haven't updated this blog in a LONG time, I've been tackled with job hunting and NCLEX prep and what not. But I just want to pop back in to say that I passed the NCLEX!!! OH. MAH. GAH. The time has finally come, the day is here. I logged in online this morning to see the quick, unofficial, result, and felt such an unbelivable rush of relief when I saw the word "pass."

This is the day I have in mind when I started this blog, that one day I'd get to write a post saying that I get to put RN behind my name. This is the day that has become my goal ever since I decided to pursue nursing, that one day I'd become a Registered Nurse. I dreamt of today, and I've worked hard for today, and it's an amazing feeling to finally arrive at today. It definitely worths the countless sacrifices, the hours spent studying, and the nights spent unslept.

Now that I'm one burden lighter, I will try to gather my mind and write a longer post or posts. I've been wanting to write about a bunch of stuff after I graduated but it's was just too much with too little time. So here's to hoping that I'll finally get to write those little thoughts out.

I'm here at a destination I've longed for, but my journey doesn't end here. If anything, it's just starting to get good. The road is long and there will be other destinations along the way. It's going to be one heck of a road trip and I'm looking forward for it. Like any great road trip, it's only great when you have a group amazing people who come along with you and make it bearable for you. Hence, I'm incredibly grateful for my people, those who were with me until I got here today, and I pray they stay on for more adventures.

Stay tuned, this blog ain't over! ;)

Weekly Happiness 3

2009-05-10T20:51:00.005-05:00

Wow, another Sunday, another weekly happiness post. I'm quite liking making this weekly update more than I thought I'd be. Doing this forces me to find and remember things that make me happy and that I'm grateful of throughout the week, regardless of how simple they are. In a way, it lessens my complaints.

Anyway, onto this week's happiness:
1. Presented group project #1 and got an awesome grade on it.

2. For group project #2, we were required to write a paper and make a professional poster for our presentation. We designed the poster and put some content of the paper on it, then the school's IT team printed the big ass poster for each group. I was so happy that it turned out looking so well, especially proud that the pictures I took for the poster came out great on it. We'll find out our grade and if our poster wins or not on Tuesday.

3. A big group of us went out to lunch after group project presentation #2. Oh, it was such an awesome time together. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I really am going to miss them and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week.

4. My Sunday School kids did a presentation for Mother's Day and oh.mah.gah. I cannot stand the cute. They are precious, and I'm so priviledged to be their Sunday School teacher.

5.. I'm so giddy this week because, well, I'M GRADUATING NEXT SATURDAY and PINNING CEREMONY IS THURSDAY!!!! WOOOT WOOOT!!! I'm all set to go, I've applied to the board for my licensure, I've registered to take the NCLEX (just need to schedule it after graduation when the school sent the paper to the board saying that yes, I have graduated), and I've applied for my post graduation work permi.t (required for international students).

Finally, after these last two years of hard work, I am done. I have yet to find a job, which is a long story with my international student status and this issue deserves a post of its own. However, I am still so happy that I will soon be a nurse. This, too, needs a post of its own, which I shall write after finals. Oh yes, finals, I have two of those tomorrow and no, I have not an ounce of motivation to study. The most I've done is "study", thanks to senioritis.

Anyhoo, time to get back to "studying". Last final exams tomorrow! Wishing you a happy week!

Weekly Happiness 2

2009-05-05T14:07:00.004-05:00

Oookay, I'm apparently not keeping up with the supposed Sunday night post of this weekly happiness. But last week, these made me happy:

1. I finished all my clinical! My last community clinical was on Tuesday and my nurse gave me a gift bag as a parting gift. She's amazing!

2. My friends and I went to the Chocolate Bar after our group project on Wednesday. Oh.mah.gah. We love that place! We got a big ass chocolate cake, 2 scoops of ice cream, and a candy bar cake. Mmm glucose....

3. My friends who didn't pass the HESI last month retook it agaon on Thursday. I'm so happy that most of them passed (despite the heartbreak for those who didn't) and will graduate with all of us. We went to celebrate that night.

4. I had lunch after yet another group project to celebrate my friend's birthday on Thursday. I'm really enjoying these outings with my nursing school friends as we're finishing up with school. I'm going to miss them once we graduate and won't see them every week.

5. I had my senior/graduation pictures taken on Saturday! I asked a friend from church to take it, and she graciously agreed. My bestfriend and her husband also tagged along, her being the creative director (because I cannot pose to save my life) and him being the assistant photographer. We probably spent around 2 hours in downtown area for the shoot. So.much.fun!

6. Then, we went to have crawfish at church afterward. That was mighty delicious! Yum!

Today is the last day of lecture, tomorrow is the last group presentation, next Monday is final exams, next Thursday is Pinning Ceremony, and next Saturday is GRADUATION DAY!!!

I'm so excited! I cannot believe that I started blogging my journey two years ago, and here I am about to end this part of the journey called the Nursing School. I don't have a job yet, still not finding any breakthrough in that area, but I have faith. A good hospital somewhere sometime (hopefully soon) will hire me and be willing to sponsor my paperworks. Amen!

I hope your week was happy and will be a happy one!

Weekly Happiness 1

2009-04-21T17:31:00.006-05:00

So here's my weekly happiness that I promised on the previous post, albeit a day late (I was supposed to post it last night, but late is better than nothing, right?)

1. My car has some problem on Monday, but my brother and sister in law spent a part of their off day from work taking my car to the shop to get it fixed on Tuesday while I went to clinical. Then, I had dinner at their house. I'm grateful for them.

2. We had a group meeting on Wednesday, and went on another cupcakes run afterward. We got red velvet, coconut, and orange cupcakes.

3. I had a baking session with Yossi from In Love with Baking. Hilarious!

4. I brought the black forest cake I made with Yossi to another group meeting on Thursday and shared it with my group mates. They loved it!

5. I was inducted to Sigma Theta Tau, the international nursing honor society, on Friday. My youth group friends and I then went out for dinner and went to get desserts at the Chocolate Bar. I had a white chocolate ice cream with dark chocolate bits, mixed with girl scout thin mins ice cream. Best ice creams ever!

6. I went running at a park with some friends on Sunday evening, and that was a surprisingly fun time. I think yesterday was the first Sunday I spent outside the house from morning to evening, and not doing any school related work. I went to church, lunch, running, and dinner (although I only had a bow of shaved ice dessert). It was a very good Sunday. :D

So, basically, I had a lot of desserts this weeks. Hence, I am very happy. Haha. What can I say? I'm a desserts person.

What's your happy things from this past week?

Happiness is....

2009-04-20T18:42:00.006-05:00

HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU

That's a song from "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" musical, and I've always loved it. It's simple, yet worth so much truth. The reason I'm posting it is because, goodness gracious, I've not been all that happy lately.

School has turned into madness with having to work on these different group projects that are due one after another, plus doing a couple set of 12 hour shift back to back 3 days in a row to finish the 170 clinical hours, plus the other clinical for Community class, and, of course, exams. To top it off, there is the whole issue with New York and hiring freeze and the decline in hospitals sponsoring international students like me. I've been one exhausted mess.

This past week, I did not stop until Saturday evening. Everyday of last week, sunup to sundown, it was was filled with class, exam, writing papers, reading research articles, clinicals, group meetings, and group presentation. That is until Saturday evening when my group and I left the school computer lab at 5 pm. In the past month, I've become impatience, bitchy, snappy, grumpy, and extra sarcastic. I've neglected my family, my friends, and other this and that's. I've been all over the place and I hated it.

So here's what I'm going to do. For the rest of the semester, for the 4 more weeks I've got left of school, I'm going to try to jot down things that makes me happy. I'm so tired of feeling so beaten up all semester long, and the end is near, and I want to be happy about that. So for every day for the next 4 weeks, I'm making a list, and I'll post it every Sunday night (I'll put extra effort to make that happens, hah!)

So let's start with the happy things of the past week, even though it's hard to find them:

1. The director & manager of the Medical unit I have my clinical at are very pleased with my performance, and the staff is very supportive to having me on board as a part of the team. The director is in the process to get an approval from HR to be able to hire RNs for the unit. I'm praying that she gets approved soon and will give me a call. I had a very positive responses from her, the manager, and the clinical leader when I handed my resume, etc. to her. Yay for a job prospect!

2. After the kind of group meeting where you can cut the tension with a knife (not pretty btw), a few friends and I went to get cupcakes to de-stress. Much to our surprise, the store owner later gave free cupcakes for each one of us. Cupcakes really do make all things well and happy again. :)

3. Despite spending a good chunk of our Saturday doing fire safety presentation (stop, drop, and roll, yo!) for kids at a clinic, and going back to school for more projects (plus my fender bender in the parking lot in stormy weather), we had a good time at lunch and many laughs looking at the pictures.

4. Had a down time Saturday evening with another group of friends to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was nice to sit back, relax, and chill. Of course, I spent the rest of the (short) weekend at my weekend getaway, also known as my bestfriend's house.

So that's for this past week. What are your happy things?

Passed.

2009-04-01T22:09:00.003-05:00

I'd like to write more about this HESI after math, alas I'm bombarded with clinicals and studying (yes, already) for Monday's exam this week, so this will do.

I PASSED THE HESI!!!! A score of 850 is needed to pass, and I scored a 1000.6, which means I have a very good chance of passing the NCLEX! Huzzah!

All the glory goes back to God, I know I couldn't have done that well without His miracle. The whole 3.5 hours that it took me to finish those 160 questions, I was tachycardic, having cold sweats, nauseated, jittery, and on my way to hyperventilate. I had to constantly remind myself to breathe and focus, breathe and focus, breathe and focus. I remembered having a hard time to slow down in reading the questions after I returned from bathroom break, I had to mentally slap myself to stop rushing. It was the worst 3.5 hours of my life.

And when the screen revealed the score, I couldn't believe it. My instructor came over and patted me on the back, congratulating and telling me I had done wonderful, while I sat there slack-jawed. It was a relief I cannot describe.

Afterward, my friends and I went to lunch and had a couple of drinks, then joined another group at another bar, before finally settling at this cozy little bar, where out instructors also came out to celebrate with us. I have to say we have some of the most amazing instructors, who not have been nothing but supportive and helpful throughout our (almost) two years.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friends who didn't pass. It's hard to celebrate when your heart is saddened for them. Their second chance is within a month and I have faith that they will make it. I pray God grants them the wisdom He granted me this past Monday. I want nothing more than to walk in graduation ceremony in May with them.

HESI is over, a weight has been lifted. However, I'm still heavily busied with exams, group projects, papers, and clinicals. I cannot believe that it's only 6 more weeks until I finish nursing school. I long for the day when I can officially add "RN" behind my name.

HESI.

2009-03-28T21:48:00.005-05:00

The HESI is this Monday, March 30, 2009 at 8 am. 160 questions of everything we have covered in nursing school. 6 hours allotted to complete it. A score of 850 needed to pass. Some schools require their students to pass the HESI in order to graduate, some don't. My school believes in the former.

A score below 850 means we take the second attempt in a month, and if we still don't pass, we don't graduate in May. We'll take independent study next semester and take the third and final attempt, a failure on that means we're out of nursing school.

You may think, "Hey, you have a second chance next month," but really, no one wants to take that chance. We all want to graduate and we all want to pass it on the first try. I don't think no one truly understands this pressure we're under except, well, us, and those who have had to take it. We have people, left and right, telling us that we will be fine, that we know these materials, that we will pass. As much as we appreciate the encouragement, and want to sit back and tell ourselves the same thing, we...find it hard to do so.

There are moments where I can tell myself that yes, I can do this, I'll pass. Then, there are moments where I am absolutely frustrated and scared out of my mind. As one of my friend put it, all our years of college come down to this exam on Monday. Everything we have worked for to get to this point come down to these 160 questions that will determine our fate. It's even more nerve-wracking than taking the NCLEX. At least, by the time you're ready to take the NCLEX, you have already graduated from school. For us, without passing the HESI, there will be no NCLEX.

So it's the Saturday before the HESI. Almost every one of my friends' Facebook status has conveyed these two words: anxiety and HESI. Our anxiety is in overdrive. We are freaking out. We are trying to de-stress from the pressure and at the same time staying focused. It is so. damn. hard.

We took a mini HESI last semester, and I scored over 1000, way better than expected. However, it was so...traumatizing, I guess, that I do not remember anything about it except for the anxiety I felt and when I got my score at the end. I don't remember any of the questions and whether I thought it was hard or not, which is odd because I usually have some kind of a semblance of the exams I've taken. Now, the anxiety I have is probably ten times that or worse. I just hope I don't go blank on Monday from it.

I'm praying for myself and everyone in my class to pass. We're on the same boat, all of us. In the last two years, we have kept each other going and inspired each other to be a better nurse, and there is nothing I want more than to see all of us succeed this Monday.

I'm just a human being overwhelmed by this mammoth of an exam, but my God is far greater than the HESI. When I start that exam at 8 am Monday, I know I'm not doing it by my own might for He is with me. If you believe in prayers, please pray for all of us in the Senior II class to do well on this HESI on Monday. If you don't believe in prayers, please send us good thoughts. We need it.

Jumping Hoops.

2009-03-23T17:22:00.004-05:00

Today, I had two doors of job opportunities shut in front of me. Two disappointments and one dream job crushed in a matter of minutes.

I've been jumping hoops ever since I set foot in the States due to my international student status. As an international student, I have limitations such as not being able to work outside of school and not being able to receive most scholarships. Then, there is also the mountainous paper works and rules to follow to make sure you're not out of status. One step outside the line, and you're out of the country. I'm used to this. I'm used to the paper works, to not being able to have a part time job if there's not one at school, to not being able to get scholarship to pay for tuition. For years, I've adapted to this and I've sucked it up and gone on with it.

But I have never felt such anger in me until today when things were held against me just because of my status. It felt like everything I've been working hard for means nothing, because I didn't even have a chance to prove myself before I was told I cannot go further. It is unfair.

The hospital I interned at, the one I invested last summer, the one I counted on so much, told me they can't hire me because they don't sponsor immigrant visa. Even though I'll be on OPT (allows international students to look for a job and receive work training for a year after graduation), they won't hire because I'll only be working for them for less than a year, a year max. They knew when they hired me last summer that I was an international student, yet they never once mentioned the fact that they won't be able to sponsor me. Instead, I got encouragement to apply for their scholarship and employment, only to have both of those doors slammed in my face. I'm going to stop talking about them here, otherwise, it's going to turn into a hate mail.

Then the other hospital I had really wanted to work for--the one with the 3.5 GPA and no C's in nursing school requirements--scheduled an interview with me--whose GPA is lower than that 3.5, only to had to cancel it because they don't hire non-permanent resident workers. It was as if I had the dream not only within reach, but actually in my hands, then to watch it disappears in a second before I can start on making it happen.

After talking to several people, I realized that, with the current economy status, it is even harder for international workers to get a company that will hire them. The hospitals in the medical center here are on a hiring freeze, the numbers of employee they're hiring now is considerably lower than last year. I've heard stories of people accepting job offers, only to have HR called them and canceled on them. I've heard hospitals starting to close their doors on people like me, the ones without a permanent residency.

I'm not giving up on New York just yet. I'm still trying and I'll keep looking. Although, I have to start entertaining the idea of staying in Texas, I'm not quite ready to let go of my dream. Maybe, something good come out of this and I'll be able to move to NY as planned. Maybe, NY won't work and I'll have to stay in Texas. Either way, for now, I'm still fighting.

I have HESI in a week, and I need to focus on passing that instead of letting this lost get into me. I'm moving on. I have my faith, and I believe my future is in His hands. Whichever way it goes, there's always hope. Hope of better things, brighter future, and less hoops to jump. There's gotta be something better than this.

Special thanks and loves to my friends who have comforted me today as I cried, listened patiently as I ranted, and encouraged me to not give up on NY just yet. They are already the better things in my life.

Grateful and Humbled.

2009-03-18T12:11:00.004-05:00

When I say right now, that I am grateful for my life and have been humbled to not take it for granted, it's not a cliche. That is truly my sentiment after hearing a news story in the recent days.

If you haven't heard, actress Natasha Richardson had a ski accident a few days ago, in which she fell and hit her head on the ground. She was fine immediately after, and it was not until an hour later that she started complaining of a headache and was taken to the hospital. Before that day ended, she was unconscious, suffering from swelling of the brain. The news are filled with conflicting reports, some say she's brain dead, some say she has not reached that state yet. Nevertheless, she has suffered from a hematoma, and now in critical condition.

I cannot get this news out of my head because I realized this could've been me when I fainted, fell down, and hit the back my head--hard--on the bathroom floor 3 weeks ago when I had a 103F fever. I didn't just fainted and fell once, but twice, although I didn't hit my head the second time. I remember the fear I had when I woke up seconds later to feel my head pounding and find myself lying flat on the bathroom floor. My immediate thought was not of why I fainted, but what can result from this within the next few hours or days.

The knowledge I have gained from nursing school told me that I could either get up, walk back to my bed, and have no effect from the fall, or I could get up, have headaches, and start projectile vomiting within an hour to a day or to a week time frame. When I got up from the floor, I had a gut feeling that I would be okay, that this wasn't going to turn ugly, but I very well knew I wasn't going to be out of the wood for at least a week. That day I wasn't praying for my fever to go down, instead I was fervently praying for no hematoma formation. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was praying for my life the rest of that day--or week for that matter.

When I told my preceptor of my fainting episodes, she immediately replied, "Oh my God, thank God you're okay. That's how people die! They faint, hit their head somewhere, and they think it's nothing. But then it turns ugly and they die." That pretty much confirmed that I wasn't being dramatic to be worried and afraid of the fall I had. What my preceptor said was exactly what I was thinking, and that was exactly what happened to the actress. She thought it was a minor fall, she talked and walked back to her hotel room, and then she went into a coma within short hours. Just like that.

My heart and prayers go to the actress and her family. I don't know them, but it's a very sad and unfortunate situation, and I cannot stop thinking that it could've been my family and I in the very same situation.

It's another reminder that anything can happen, to you and the ones you love, that life can be too short and unpredictable. So use the time you have now to love, to bless, to care, to be kind, to appreciate, to fulfill, and to be thankful of. Don't waste it, don't take it for granted. Do what you need to do, and say what you need to say before life takes an unexpected turn and you find yourself wishing you've done or said some things sooner or differently.

I am truly grateful that I am still alive today, and humbled that I was still given a chance to live.

ETA:
An official statement just came out from the family stating that she has passed away. I can't fathom what her family is going through. It's another odd feeling to realize what I had worried could happen after I fell 3 weeks ago actually happened, but to another person. And it's also a little eerie to think of what my preceptor had said after I told her the bathroom incident. I just had a different ending, a healthier and living ending.

What is this feeling?

2009-03-05T15:20:00.004-06:00

As much as I'm at peace with my granmpa's death last summer, today I realized that I don't know if I'll ever be "okay" when I have patients in the similar situation my family and I went through that fateful July.

The first one happened last semester, and I wrote about it. At the time, I thought it was just a one time thing. It was my first and of course I was bound to feel...something. I thought it'd go away and but it didn't. Yesterday, I started to realize that one of my patients is dying and the family was finally able to made that difficult decision to let go of treatment and do palliative care instead. Today, everything is more...official, I guess. All PO meds are on hold, and the Morphine Sulfate surfaced in the order. Again, I got that uneasy feeling I did last semester.

I think what did it for me is seeing the Morphine PRN dose on the MAR first thing in the morning, just because that is the staple drug for end of life patients to keep them comfortable. It's become some kind of a sign for me that, yes, the time is near for that person. We were given doses of that, too, from the hospice care for Grampa when he went home from the hospital. I had to give him that, and so did my cousins.

Then my chest got thighter as I walked in the room. The patient is much like my Grampa was before he died. Eyes opened but no one is there. They can't talk and you wonder if they knew who you were, and you wish they remember who you were. They're just lying there, waiting for their time to come, and it's an excruciating wait for the family members.

It's a weird weird thing to experience, I can't say enough how uncanny it is to watch a dying person, especially when you've watched a family member went through it. I wasn't exactly sad or upset, I didn't feel like crying or breaking down. There is just...an uneasiness to it. There is a voice screaming in my head that this is the same thing as Grampa: the Morphine, the inability to talk, the waiting, the what happens when we bring him home, the ever present wondering of when he'd actually die. It keeps screaming I have been here before and I should never be reminded of it again.

But it's life. People die everyday, and unfortunately, you will witness that more times than you'd like. Heck, I'm only a student nurse and it already happened twice. My career awaits many a future experience of taking care and witnessing dying patients. After the first time, I thought I had to find a way to be okay with this, to erase that feeling out of me. But after today, I realized I can never make that feeling go away, and I'm accepting that I will forever be taken back to Grampa when that happens again. I will always take a sharp breath, my chest will always feel thight, and I'll always get this inexplicable feeling when I have a dying patient.

As if one dying patient isn't enough, the universe, of course, just has to mess around with me some more. Another patient on the floor, although wasn't mine, vomitted, had a seizure, and went into a code. (This was also a second code, the first one I saw was also last semester) Oh, the brouhaha of a code, there's nothing like it. It seems like, in a code, no matter how fast you're moving to get things, you are never fast enough. How many times did I hear that doctor yelled out "I NEED PROPOFOL 10 cc FAST!!! WHERE IS THE PROPOFOL?! GIMME THE PROPOFOL!!!" in the 10-15 seconds it took the other doctor to get the Propofol and have it drawn up in syringe? You're trying to bring someone back to life, get that heart beating again, breathe air into the lungs. It's a person's life literally in the hands of the many medical staff who rush into that room, and I don't think you'll ever be fast enough. No matter how experience and collected these people are, it's still a total and utter chaos.

Now, the code didn't do anything to me. It was actually exciting, to be honest. This patient was actually in a much somber situation than my dying patient, but I was fine. I've never had to watch a family member going through a code, having tube inserted down their throat, surrounded by doctors and nurses doing everything to revive them. After 30 minutes--that seemed like hours--the patient was stabilized and transfered to an ICU unit.

And then I knew there is a difference. In some cases, I'll be fine. In some others, I'll just have to deal with that weird feeling. That's just the way it goes now, and perhaps for the rest of my career. All in all, for me, it's still an other wordly experience to witness births and deaths. They make me appreciate and respect life more.

T-I-to the R-the E-the D.

2009-03-04T17:45:00.003-06:00

Okay seriously, somehow, I must have managed to permanently implant this exhausted look on my face because the nurse director of the floor I'm doing my clinical at said to me today as I was leaving, "Wow, you look tired." And I thought, well, I am tired, but not nearly as I usually would after a 12 hour shift. I only pulled an 8 hours shift today, this is nothing! How tired do I look?!

Last Monday, the student life lady, whom I know fairly well, came up to me as she passed me in the school cafe and said, "Are you okay?" I, perplexed at the question, replied, "Well...I have been sick for the last 2 weeks. But I'm alright now."

"Ah, I can tell." Then I coughed and she shook her head, "Wow, you sound rough." And I thought, lady, you should've heard me last week. That was rough.

Now I'm wondering, goodness gracious, what is this haggard look I have plastered on my face?! I'm not feeling that bad.... Has the stress of nursing school finally managed to age me into looking like a 30 something stay at home mom with 4 kids under the age of 5?! Maybe I should do some Botox or plastic surgeries done like that octomom and look like Angelina Jolie. Ya know, 14 kids and little money but damn, I look like a supahstah!

And I'd be like, I have HESI at the end of the month and I'm studying my ass off, but damn, I look like I get 8 hours of sleep every night and not under any stress whatsoever! Take that, nursing school! Heh. I'm kidding, I'll never get anything done on my face. I'd like my forehead to have the ability to move and look...ya know...normal.

Next time you see me, just tell me I look great and glowing like the rays of sun on a cheerful Sunday morning. You tell me I look tired, I'm sending Cookie my ADD dog to maul you.

Sickity SICK.

2009-02-27T17:58:00.003-06:00

I was going to write about how awful I have been feeling for the past week and a half. I mean, I was ready to go all out on this, because, dang it, I have never been this miserable from an illness in my entire adult life. The last time I was even remotely close to being like this was 3 or 4 years ago.

I’ve been MISERABLE. And I want to WHINE. Because that’s what sick people do, they whine. But then I thought, wait, I don’t want to do that. I am a better person than that, so I’m going to do the opposite. Because that’s what a mature adult would do, they’d look at the bright side and be grateful instead. So here it is

I’m grateful:

That I am still alive and I’ll recover alright. I mean, a fever that broke only to come back less than a week later, plus the discovery of a palpable lump in your armpit, hacking coughs and congested nose that last more than a week? It’s no wonder that my mind started to wander to things I know could go wrong. The downfall of working in the medical field is that you see what can go wrong and you know very well it can happen to just anyone, including you, and that is the elephant in the room whenever something abnormal happens to you and your loved ones. To find out that this was an upper respiratory tract infection with early stage bronchitis and that lump was nothing more than an enlarged lymph node due to said infection? It was a big relief.

That hey, I have one heck of a story to tell now! I mean, I fainted TWICE in the BATHROOM as I got up from the toilet seat. I fell back and hit my head on the bathroom floor the first time, I fell forward to the wall the second time, which was about 6 hours after the first one.
That, as a student nurse, I have the skill and knowledge to know what caused those fainting episodes. High fever (Tmax 103) + period + getting up too fast = orthostatic hypotension. BP 108/72 lying down, and 88/50’s standing up? Not fun.

That I was okay after I hit my head on the floor. That was a scary moment, finding yourself flat on your back, head pounding, and realizing you just hit that head on the tile, but you had no idea how hard you hit it. Again, as a student nurse, you know of all the things that can go wrong, but as you did neuro check on yourself to make sure you were indeed okay, there was a sense of calmness telling you that you were okay and no, you weren’t not going to have a hematoma.

That, although I missed two weeks of clinical, I will still be able to make it up. I’m bummed that, while my friends are nearing to complete (or already have) their 100^th hour of the 170 clinical hours we have to complete this semester in order to graduate, I have only raked in a measly 44 hours. I will be the snail that finishes last at the end of April, but screw that, I’ve made peace with it and I’m okay with being the snail as long as I cross that 170^th hour mark before this semester ends.

For my friends and family, who have taken care of me when I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, sent me well wishes, prayed for me, and made me laugh through all this. They’ve made my miserable days somewhat bearable.

For my immune system. As much as I’d like to beg to differ, come think of it, God has given me a pretty darn good immune system. I rarely get sick, probably a couple minimal colds here and there per year, but nothing that would hold me down to bedrest like this. I even noted to myself last year that I was surprised I didn’t get sick a whole lot ever since I started nursing school. I thought with that high pressure cooker of a stress, I’d be crawling in and out of bed being sick as a dog several times a year. But I haven’t until now.
For losing weight! I’M KIDDING! I’m not shallow like that. I actually hate losing my appetite, because my tummy hurts but I have no desire to eat. Plus, the Nurse Practitioner put limitations on my diet: no dairy and nothing complex, just broth with rice or noodle. Basically, my tummy can only handle soups for the time being. Blech. Now all I want is a tall cold glass of chocolate milk, which, obviously, I can’t have. Human being, always want what they cannot have. Ya don’t say!

So that’s it. I’m coughing less and blowing my nose less, which are good things. I still get tired easily, so I’m pretty much spending my days vegging on the couch on my computer or watching TV when I’m not napping. Yeah, isn’t that the life of a millionaire? Wake up, check emails, watch TV, nap, wake up, maybe try to eat, some more TV or computer, nap, try to write papers, more TV, bedtime (oh, and insert copious amount of coughing and blowing out nose in between).

My goodness, I am a BUM for sitting on my ass all. day. long!!!

But I’m a grateful bum, though…. Just sayin’….

Avaiable for hire.

2009-02-19T17:18:00.005-06:00

I think I'm more productive when on bedrest than not.

I mean, I submitted job applications to 2 different hospitals already, and the only reason I didn't apply to the third one was becasue I'm too sick to get one document scanned.

Anyway.

Raise your hand if you think applying for a real job is scary? *raises hand*

Goodness gracious, I didn't know it could be that scary. I don't know, maybe it was the fear of rejection or something, but I was reading whatever it is over and over before I finally clicked submit. It's your life you're putting on the frontline. All your education and accomplishments that you hope are good enough to get you hired to do what you want to do for the rest of your life. I'm not one to beg, but after every job application I'm all, "Please, love me, want me, HIRE ME!" Okay, not a good idea to say that to the recuiter, that has crazy not mentally healthy written all over it....

So application to hospital A was submitted yesterday. I seriously wasn't expecting much of it because it was a very competitive hospital and my friend, who I think has better qualifications than me, had applied there before and received a rejection email. Sure enough, I got the rejection email on the same day I applied, which made me wonder if they sent out that email automatically. You know how you get an automated email after you applied saying your application has been successful? Well, with this hospital, you also get an automated rejection email. Because seriously, I think both of us are pretty darn good candidates. Heck, I even had letter of recommendation to boot. It really made me wonder what kind of super applicant they say yes to. Robot applicant maybe....

Application to hospital B was submitted today. This is the hospital I interned at last summer, so you can say I do have inside connection. I knew the recruiter, I have met briefly with the manager of the unit I want to work at, so I've given them head ups that I've applied. However, this doesn't make it less nerve wracking though. They did say that they have never turned away an intern, and my friend did assure me that we are already in, but still, it's a freaking real job on the line here! I have higher hope on this one than hospital A, of course. So we shall wait for a call back.

Hospital C, I'll hopefully apply tomorrow. I think I'll feel good enough tomorrow to go somewhere with a scanner for one more document and then I'm ready to submit. It's another competitive hospital--heck, all three of these are--but I somehow have hope too on this one, unlike hospital A, to which I felt rather indifference about. Out of the three, this one has the toughest criterie, I actually don't fit one of them but screw that, I'm still apllying. My GPA is thisclose to their 3.5 requirement and I just got invited to the nursing honor society. That should count for something, right? I have nothing to lose, I'm applying anyway.

So that is the tale of my job applying process. Less than a year ago, I did the same thing for an externship job and I got what I wanted. So here's to getting the nursing job I want (and need) this year!

Scary.

2009-02-18T08:42:00.004-06:00

I had the scariest thing happened to me last night and this morning.

I had two syncope episodes in the bathroom, once at midnight and once around 6 am, and both after I got up from the toilet seat. It must be fever induced orthostatic hypotension, which is a conisderable drop in blood pressure when a person moves from a sitting/lying down position to a standing position.

I started running a fever yesterday, so my blood vessels are already dilated from the fever (Tmax 103 this am), and it's not helping either that I'm on my period. You add these together and you'd think, "Hmm no wonder this happened." I did remember I got up rather quickly from my bed to the bathroom, which just aggravated it. Still scary when it happened, nonetheless, especially when I had neevr fainted in my life before.

And yay for being a student nurse and having assessment skills. I can't imagine how freaked out I'd be if I had not been able to draw conclusion on what may have cause this, and had not known how to do neuro check on myself to determine if I had hit my head too hard on the floor when I fainted.

I don't remember anything from the first one, I got up and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. With the second one, I remembered more. I was feeling dizzy and seeing dark, which got me to think "Didn't I turn the light on already? How come it's so dark?" Then I fell forward and passed out. Ion ly fainted for a a couple seconds, and after the second one I called my aunt to get over here and bring me her blood pressure machine.

Sure enough, when lying down my BP was 108/72, and when standing up, it was 88/60. My aunt wanted to wait to see how I'd feel before we decide going to the doctor or not. I'm feeling much better now. No dizziness when I stand up, and I have gone to the bathroom twice since the second episode and didn't faint. I still have a 101.3 at the moment, but I'm gaining my appetite and energy back as we speak. So here's to hoping that the orthostatic hypotension is just a fever induced episode and nothing serious, and that I'll get better sooon.

I called in sick for clinical this morning, and definitely not doing any this week. I still have to study for Leadership/Management exam on Monday and finished my part in our group Community paper though.

That's all the update I have. I haven't had a chance to write on anything else, so this will do for now. If you believe in prayers, keep me in yours! :)

5.16.2009.

2009-01-22T18:48:00.005-06:00

I just applied for graduation.

I will be walking in that cap and gown across the stage on May 16, 2009.

Wow, I, and the other 64 people in my class, finally get to say that. I don't know how they feel, but I'm pretty stoked about it.

But scared too, because ohmahgaah this is it I'm going to be a real nurse and how the heck am I going to do that when I feel so inadequate and incompetence and I don't know anything and jebus am I going to make it am I going to be a good nurse there are patients' lives on the line here!!!

Yeah, it freaks me out, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

School does its best to teach and provide us with experience, but it's nothing like the real thing. How many times have I gone to clinicals and come across drugs that I never heard before in class? How many of the machines I saw, when I had clinical at the Cardiac Recovery Unit that one time, can I name and tell you what they're for? Heck, I'm a senior II and how many IV have I put in? None. And how many venipuncture have I done? Only one, and that wasn't even on a patient, it was on my internship friend for a check off (and yes, my friend did one on me too).

But then, it always surprises me at how much I know that I didn't know I know before. I know, I just lost you right there. Do you know what I mean? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What I mean is that, the general feeling among the seniors is that we don't know anything. It's like, wait-how many conditions does this patient have? How do you pronounce this drug?! What is that futuristic looking machine is for? They did what on that patient?! Is he gonna cra--holy sh*** BP's dropping--fast--he is crashing! Will we know how to think and act critically? My own immediate answer to that question used to be "No.... I don't know...maybe?" But now I'm starting to think differently, in that I think I know more than I thought I do.

Today is an example, we had a 50 questions pharmacology exam that wasn't counted for a grade, just to see what we know so far; students usually don't do so hot on this impromptu exam. During the review, the instructor asked, "Once you start Iron therapy in an anemic person, how many days will it take until you see some improvement?" There was a lot of answer thrown out, "a month" being the most common I heard, but "120 days" just rolled off my tongue. I wasn't shouting it out to be heard to the class, more like saying it to myself, and I didn't hear if anyone else has shouted "120 days" also. I was just thinking, "120 days, that's the lifespan of adult Red Blood Cells, you have to wait 120 days for the new RBC's to see some result from that Iron."

And I was right.

My exact thought at that moment was, "Huh. Where did that come from?! How did I come up with that?!" While the grade of that exam is a failing one by the school's standard, it's still better than what I expected and it's higher than the class average. I've been surprised at myself a lot--especially in the last semester, perhaps it's time for me to start setting higher expectations of myself.

I guess what I need to keep telling myself from now until that May graduation day is that I am more competent than I thought I am, and I am more than I give myself credit for. I have been pushing myself to trust my gut and go for it for the past year, and I've found out that--actually--more often than not, I was doing and/or saying the right thing. It's like this whole nursing thing has finally been coming together in my head, unbeknown to me, and I am now starting to realize it. Although, I still have to admit that believeing in yourself is sometimes easier said than done in this world.

There is still much learning to be done and confidence to be built in on my part.

But you better your bottom dollar I'll be as ready as I can be when 5.16.2009 comes along.

Huh. That's weird....

2009-01-18T22:04:00.004-06:00

You know what I've been noticing?

I cannot recite my cell phone number in my native tongue.

No, I am not kidding.

Everytime someone--who speaks my first language--asks, I'd start telling them in said language but when I get to the last 4 digits I have to stop and cannot, for the life of me, remember it in that language. I have to repeat the number again in my head in English and resort to saying the rest of the numbers in English.

This happens every.single.time. Am I weird or what?!

Do you also wanna know what else I've known all along but has just been confirmed now?

I am slightly deaf. Or even mildly deaf.

I've known this. I find myself asking for a repeat whenever someone speaks really soft or whisper. Last year when we practice for head to toe assessment check off, I sometimes couldn't pass the whisper hearing test, to a point where my partner and I promised on what words she was going to say (Wednesday to the left ear, Saturday to the right ear) so I would be able to say those for sure instead of keep asking "what?!" and end up distracting her assessment routine (we were already a nervous wreck doing a 30-40 minutes routine under the watchful eyes of our instructor). Then last Wednesday as we practice hearing and vision screening for a check off, we did the Sweep hearing test on each other with the machine and I couldn't hear the last 4000 Hz on a 25 decibel. Forgot how far my friend went up on the decibel before I can finally hear all three of the 1000 Hz, 2000 Hz, and 4000 Hz. Or maybe it was so bad and embarrassing that I am in denial and choose to forget it.

My vision is already not perfect--although, it was a relief that I still have 20/20 on this prescription, which hasn't gone up in two years based on my early exam. Then I have this memory confusion thing. And now I have hearing problem, too? Will a hearing aid be in a near future? Gah, I am such an old person!

They better give me senior discounts for this crap.

For serious!

Ready to launch.

2009-01-14T20:01:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking.

A lot.

I have put in so much into this decision and I'm going to commit to it and do my parts to go through with it.

I'm moving to New York City in June 2009.

For some people, this isn't a surprise, even for you (I have no idea how many--if there is any) if you've been following my blog because I've talked many times about my amazing summer there. But now, now I'm saying it out loud and putting it out there. I didn't just make this decision in the time following my summer stint there. Although it sealed the deal, my journey to have come to this point began more than 3 years ago.

I visited NYC for the first time in 2005, and I fell in love. There is just something about it that charmed its way into my life and managed to stay since then. For a while I thought I'd move a year or two after graduation, but for the last year or so I knew if I'm ever going to make this dream of mine come true, I have to move right after graduation. Then the internship fell into my lap, an offer I couldn't refuse, and the 3 months I spent there confirmed every reason I have for moving and drove away every doubt I had about making the move--okay, maybe not entirely drove away the doubts, but those doubts were greatly minimized to a point where I am not afraid of them anymore.

A lot of people want to move to NYC, it has a lot to offer: the fun, the lifestyle, the people; it's the best City in the world, they say. I have many reasons too. Out of the places I have traveled to in the U.S., NYC is on top of the "Yeah, I can see living here..." list. I just feel like I fit there, and I am not alone in thinking this way. My family and friends are very supportive and encouraging, telling me that they, too, can see me living there and making it.

I've been where I live now ever since I moved to this country, that is 9 years ago, and by now, I'm getting restless. I want to go to the next level of my life, where I'm out of my comfort zone, where I can grow as a person, where I can open my eyes and see more of what this world can offer, where I can meet new people, where I can make a difference. I'm young and this is my time to spread my wings, if we want to be cliche here.

Having said all of this, I do think that I'm not going to live there forever. I do feel very strongly that once I'm settling down, I'll move somewhere calmer, even come back to this Texan city that has been my second home. In my 23 year old mind, there is no way that I see myself raising a family in the jungle that is New York City, but this will be another decision I will have to make when I get to this bridge years from now. For now, let's just deal with actually moving there first before any thoughts of moving away from there.

This decision has been more than 3 years in the making and you have no idea how much I am relieved and excited to be able to say it out loud that yes, I am moving to New York City in June 2009. Yes, I am and will be making arrangements from now till then. Yes, if God's willing, I'm going to start my nursing career and a new life there.

With my last semester of nursing school--oh man, I can't believe I get to finally say that, my.last.semester. Wow, where has time gone?--starting next week, I'm excited and nervous all mushed into one. A lot will happen within the next 5 months let alone in the rest of the 12 months of this year, in a life changing way at that--applying for jobs in the City, job interviews, HESI, graduation, moving, NCLEX. It's overwhelming I can barely keep my head from exploding.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to launch this year. I'm ready for what may come. I have my faith, I have my family and my friends, I have myself to carry me through. Intermission is almost over, let's get Act II of the Senior Year rollin'!

Silenced.

2009-01-09T10:41:00.003-06:00

Today was supposed to be an exciting day. My bestfriend is getting married tomorrow, and today is the wedding rehearsal, and we're all getting so pumped up already.

But this morning I woke up with a call, informing me that one of our friends at church has died this morning at the hospital. I knew she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks already, admitted from bouts of stomach ache and throwing up to a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer stage 3, but I still didn't see this news coming. I saw her last on New YearIt's Eve, she was weak but in good spirit. She was only 28 years old.

I'm saddened, for her family and for all of us who have lost such a sweet and kind friend. She is loved by many and will be missed. I'm asking everyone to send her family good thoughts and prayers, even if you don't know them.

It's just a reminded, once again, that life is simply too short and we will never know where it's going to take us. Here we are, ready to celebrate this wedding tomorrow, almost everyone at church is involved or at least will be at the wedding, yet today, we received this horrible news. It's ironic. She was going to be an usher at the wedding, but I believe this morning the angels has ushered her into the gates he heaven.

I will miss you, L.

Vegetative.

2008-12-30T21:26:00.002-06:00

Just dropping by to say that I've been living the glorious live of vegging for the past 3 weeks ever since the semester was done. Glorious, I say. No school, no studying, no problem. I sleep when I want, I get up when I want, I run errands when I want. Normal life, I have missed you so.

Christmas was made of wins, and I'm hoping it is the same for New Year. I'll try to follow up with a longer post to sum up 2008, but in the meanwhile this will do.

I wish all of you are having a wonderful holiday and all the best in the new year!

The Nurse Book.

2008-12-18T21:53:00.004-06:00

I was browsing rows of children books for birthday gifts (I try to give books instead of toys) at a local budget bookstore when I came across this Nurse book for kids and I fell in love with it. I thought it was so cute and clever that I can't resist not buying it. It has little explanations of what a nurse does and the different type of nurses with pictures of equipments used. It's no neat! Even the cashier told me, "Isn't this the cutest thing ever?!" as I paid for it.

I'm keeping it as a keepsake, and oneday I'll give it to my kid(s). Let it be said that my kid(s) will grow up reading books, and this will be one of them. Gah, I can't get over how cute it is. I'm such a dork!

Let it snow!

2008-12-11T00:33:00.005-06:00

White flurries started to fall this Wednesday afternoon, and as my friends and I sat at a bar celebrating the end of the semester, those small white flurries turned to snow flakes that fell from the sky as if it was a white curtain drawing close our stage as we finished "The Final Exams" scene of Act I of "The Senior Year". It couldn't be a more fitting closure to this chaotic first half of our play. We started off with Hurricane Ike and ended with a freezing weather topped with snow. Darn that mother nature! But for now, we can rest in our dressing room for a 6 weeks intermission before Act II starts.

And for the record, the last time it snowed in this city was 4 years ago. And when it does snow, it's never that much snow, so excuse us for going ga-ga with this snow thing because we don't usually get this kind of thing down here.

Let me shout it out, because I can: I AM D.O.N.E! Done done done done done!!!! I can't describe how relieve I am that it is all over and I can finally breathe again. Today's final was fair, much like the Pedi final. I passed that Adult final with flying colors and rounded up a high B for the class. It feels really good to finally be able to say "I have one semester left in nursing school"--a little scary too, but good, nonetheless.

Like I have mentioned before, I have 6 weeks intermission before Act II starts. 6 weeks that I am very much looking forward to spend enjoying a normal life. SUUUHHHWWWEEEET!!!

Finals update

2008-12-09T18:08:00.007-06:00

Okay, Pedi final? It was great and it was fair. Me likes. Bagged a B for the semester in that one.

Psych final, on the other hand, was an atrocity of epic proportion. It was brutal and it was verbose. I thought I was supposed to take a Mental Health exam not a Literature exam where we're supposed to analyze a character's (or client's in this case) statements and read between the lines to figure out which one out of four awfully similar statements is the correct one. 100 questions of a lot of this type of question, my goodness, that was one painfully long final. One question is like a paragraph taken out of a Faulkner novel. Jebus.... And you know you're not the only one with this sentiment when everyone else said the same exact thing afterward.

Needless to say, I scored one point away from a B on that final, yielding me a high C for the semester. Dammit, I was thatclose to a B! But I'm glad I pass after my not so hot performance on the first exam of this class.

Tomorrow is adult and because I scored a high A on the mini-HESI last week that counted 20%, I have a lot of cushion. And because of that, I'm procrastinating right now. And I get to, because I've been studying non stop since I got back from Thanksgiving break and I can't take it anymore. I'm taking it easy tonight.

Tomorrow is the day I'm officially done with Senior I. WOOT!

The play.

2008-12-07T18:12:00.004-06:00

Act I of "The Senior Year" is almost done. The curtain is ready to close the stage for a 6 weeks intermission. The final number of Act I start tomorrow, and it's called "The Final Exam". I am one already tired and cranky participant of this production, and I can't wait to prop my feet up on the couch in my dressing room during intermission.

I'm envisioning how glorious Wednesday after 3 pm will be as we finish this Act. We'll finish "The Final Exam" and the curtain will draw close, and we are done. Oh, how the sky will open up, revealing a chorus of angels singing a melodious song of freedom. Oh, sweet sweet freedom, I can taste it. I'm ready for it. I can't wait for it. I want it. I need it.

Just three more days. Three more days of being stuck with textbooks and staring at notes after notes. Three more days until I can sweep those books and notes off my bed and crash until however long my body desires. Three more days until I can sleep in, instead of waking up at an ungodly hour of the morning to start all over again the routine with the books and notes. Three more days until I don't have to worry about what to study the next day.

Just three more days until the 6 weeks intermission will start before the curtain will open again for Act II of "The Senior Year". I'm not going to pass out on the stage just yet. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Just three more days....

Back to business.

2008-12-02T09:36:00.002-06:00

After a glorious Thanksgiving, it's time to get back to business: studying for finals. This Thursday, the school decided to give us a "mini-HESI" as they call it, as if we don't have enough stressors already. Then, next Monday is Peds final, Tuesday is Psych final, and Wednesday is Adult final, and then I am done as Senior I.

I have zero motivation to study at the moment, but I'm pushing myself to. My whole class and I are just so freaking tired of this chaotic semester already, that we lost the drive to finish off the last 2 weeks. We just hanging around, trying to find whatever left of our energy to study and get these last 2 weeks of the semester over and done with. Our grades have been all over the place and lower than usual all semester long, and a lot of people aren't happy, and my goodness, this semester sucks, and we just want to pass it, darnit!!! Keep us in your prayers, it's been a very hard 4 months for us, with Hurricane Ike screwing us up big time, and we're trying to survive 2 more weeks with our sanity intact. I surely hope all of you reading have a better time the last 4 months, I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

For the rest of the week, I will be chained to my desk, please come visit and say "Hi" as I will see very little--if none at all--of the outside world for the rest of the week.

Aaahhh.

2008-11-23T21:28:00.003-06:00

This weekend has been better than a glass of red wine after a 12 hour shift.

Yes, that good.

I mean, I still did some schoolworks, namely process recording and care plan, but it was minimal compare to the time I spent doing other things, which is a reverse from the usual.

I got to go out with my friends and family. I got to not worry about studying for exams. I got to bake. I got to be silly and laughs freely. I got to spend time outside of my home and the hospitals. I got to play games. I got to go to a sleepover with the girls. I got to drink socially, not to relieve stress. I got to dance. I got to eat till I felt like exploding. I got to party. I got to have girlschat to the wee hour of the morning. I got to take pictures and practice taking good pictures. I got to relax on my bed with laptop on my lap editing pictures.

I got to have fun and live a normal life again. It was wonderful.

Granted, finals prep begin next week. I have to resume the abnormal life even during Thanksgiving week because we have what we have termed the "Non-HESI HESI" (don't ask) a week after Turkey Day, so studying will be on full swing soon enough until finals are over on the 10th. Then, I get to live normally again until my last semester starts January 20th. I just said last semester, oh goodness gracious how could it be.... I'll girl flip out about that later.

So this weekend was nice, I wish tomorrow wasn't Monday. But then again, I always wish tomorrow wasn't Monday every Sunday. So...yeah....

I hope your weekend was great, too.
From the bachelorette party:

Clumsy McKlutzy.

2008-11-18T10:14:00.007-06:00

I had just spilled Starbucks all over me right as lecture began this morning.

Great.

It's one of those bottled frappuccino. I thought there was a only a little left in the bottle, so I tilted the bottle more, and well, out poured those brown sticky liquid. At least I sat all the way to the back so probably (and hopefully) no one saw my prime moment there. However, my shirt is now covered with coffee stain and I smell like spilled coffee.

Great.

Oh, and yesterday I dropped my Kolache. I truly have impaired motor function....

But anyway, this week is one of those non-stop kind of week, but in a good way. I think....

1. Monday was an exam and class until the evening.

2. Tuesday is a morning lecture and a night support group meeting we have to do report on for Psych.

3. Wednesday is my last ICU clinical (a post on that coming soon), which is also my last clinical of the semester. Woot! Goodbye 12 hours shift, till I see you again next semester! Oh, and a little happy hour after said clinical with a school friend. Tee hee!

4. Thursday is another morning to noon-ish meeting for Psych, then a trip to a party store to get stuff for my best friend's bachelorette party, then a baking night with my friend Y--a.k.a. the Goddess of baking, which is also for my best friend's bachelorette party, which I'm super stoked about.

5. Friday is, well, the day I will slave away finishing process recording and 1001 kinds of reports and other papers. Joy....

6. Saturday is, my best friend's bachelorette party!!! Woohooo!!! :D :D :D

7. Sunday is a trip to Texas Renaissance Festival with my family.

So this week I'd get to spend some quality time with my family and friends! For the first time in...oh I don't know, months! And I'm not spending my weekend nose deep in textbooks! And I get to paaartaay and have fun instead! An actual free time!

Oh, how I thought I'd never see the light of this again.....

I hope your week is great as well!

This is the hour.

2008-11-16T19:51:00.006-06:00

So one of my patients recently gave my preceptor and I a scare just a couple hours short of the change of shift after being stable the whole day. That is not fun--and not pretty. The day in the life of a critical care unit, never a dull moment and rarely a predictable day.

You know it's going downhill when you see the BP reading at the monitor, think "Okay, that's not good", tell your preceptor who is nearby, immediately adjust the cuff on patient, hit the Go button again while silently willing the new number to be higher, therefore rendering the previous number a false reading, only to see that the new number is lower, and when you look at your preceptor, she has the same look that you have on your face--which is the "Oh sh**" face. Oh and then the patient is yelping out in pain. I'll say this again: not pretty.

I'll spare you the details of the "Oh sh**" hour that followed, but we thought the patient was bleeding internally and was crashing on us, which turned out to be not the case, but we didn't know that for a good 30 minutes or so trying to figure out what the heck was going and how to manage it while waiting for the stat H&H result to come back. Luckily, the patient was stabilized within an hour and everything went back to being peachy again, like nothing happened.

When I finally got out of my shift, obviously later than I usually do, I rounded up the corner to the waiting area, where a family member who was in the room when it all started had to be escorted out because the shift was ending, therefore visiting hour was too before it resumes 2 hours later. I had told the family member that I'd give an update if I could before the shift ended, but if that wasn't the case, I'd drop by on my way out. So I did.

She immediately stood up when she saw me, I smiled at her and told her that her family has been stabilized, her BP back to the normal range and the pain controlled, and was currently sleeping. I could see the worry in her eyes subsided as I delivered the news. Now, that is pretty. As I made my way home, I was once again reminded of why I'm still here doing this. For a moment like those, when you see your patient sleeping comfortably after what could lead to otherwise, and when you see the family take that deep breath of relief after the gripping worries.

I know that the "Oh sh**" moment does not always lead to this, but it's always nice and appreciated when it does.

Feel free to share any "Oh sh**" moment you have had.

First.

2008-11-07T08:47:00.003-06:00

AB was my first patient to die. Since the moment I came on that morning, we knew that it was going to happen soon because AB was in grave condition post cardiac arrest. What I didn't knew was whether AB was going to pass on my shift or not. Doctors, palliative care, and chaplain have been filtering in and out of the room that morning to inform the family of AB's prognosis and what can be done should they decide to go for aggressive treatments or what will be done should they decide to end all life support measures.

The family needed more time to decide, and all day my preceptor and I took care of her while waiting for the family to decide. It was obvious to me that AB was very loved, it was evident by the numerous members of family who came by, and how distraught they were of the possibility that that day was the day AB could pass away. My heart went to them.

It hit a little too close to home. My family and I were in their shoes a little over 3 months ago when we have to decide what we wanted to do for Grampa. I knew of that anger of wanting to do more, just to have them with us one day more. I knew of that hope of a miracle, that by the grace of God they'd come back. I knew of that love that allowed us to see and choose what was best for them and not us, the love that allowed us to let them go.

I never thought my first patient death could come this soon. I knew that I will encounter it in my career, but I've had it in my mind that it'd happen when I'm already a nurse, not a student. I'm okay with it though, it didn't make me emotional like I thought I could be because of Grampa. I'm glad I wasn't emotional, it wasn't me place to be because at a time like that, it should be about the family and how I can be a help for them.

Toward the end of the shift, AB's sister came out of the room and asked me who she could talk to "to take the machine off." I informed my preceptor, and the arrangement was being made. I was in the room when the doctor informed the family of the event that will follow, and that brought me back to when the nurse handed me a brown bag of meds that we could give to my Grampa to keep him comfortable and when the home health nurse told us that his time was near. That morning I've thought about what this meant for me, seeing this all too familiar scenario played in front of me soon after my own loss. I didn't know how I would feel if I had the chance to witness this, I only knew how to be there for the family and care for AB the best I knew how.

Sometimes during that shift, I had the chance to talk to AB's sister. At one point, she asked me about nursing school and the hardship that comes with it. I told her that it is indeed not easy, but it comes with having experience to know what to do in caring for someone in her sister's situation. She said, "I'm sure you'd have your (off) time here and there, but you will get there." I chuckled, "Oh I'm sure I've had plenty of my (off) times just in today alone." She smiled, "And that's okay, but you keep telling yourself you'll be good. It'll come to you." "I hope so," I told her.

AB passed away an hour before the shift ended. I wasn't in the room then, I was at the nurses station watching the monitor (the monitor in AB's room had been turned off) and chronicling the vital signs as AB left this world. The doctor asked what time it was when the flat line appeared. "1804," I told him, looking at the strip print out. "1804," he repeated as he looked at the strip, then he went to AB's room to tell the family.

I'd remember always remember sitting at the nurses station and looking up to see AB sister rounding that corner of the nurses station toward the exit door about 45 minutes after AB's death, and as she waved goodbye to my preceptor sitting a couple feet away from me, she also waved and pointed at me to make sure I knew she meant me when she said, "And you. You will be good."

And now, when there's a thousand things running in my mind due to a recent school related conflict that make me doubt myself, when I keep asking myself if I had what it takes to be a good nurse, I'll remember that kind lady, who, in the midst of her sorrow, still took time to be an encourager and told me that I will be good. And I'll always remember what I told her as she left, not only that I hope so, but I will. I will be good.

Children.

2008-11-05T14:33:00.004-06:00

I was waiting for the elevator after my last Peds shift at the children hospital today. Once it opened, I waited for a little bit to let people out when this little boy, about 5 years old, called, "Come on, Lady, come on in." A lady in the back chuckled at the boy, while who appeared to be the boy's mom shook her head in amusement. I smiled and said "Hi" as I stepped in, and the boy's brother, who was about the same age and standing on the other side of the elevator, promptly asked, "And which floor you're going, Mam?" I laughed as I told them, "One, please, and thank you."

For the rest of our ride, the two boys asked whoever came in, mostly physicians, which floor they were going. One of them boys even asked one of the doctor, "Do you know how my heart rate is?" and the everyone in the elevator erupted into laughter. Those boys were just too precious, too adorable, and so innocent. This is why I want to work with children.

How about that election? Wow, history was made. To be honest, I'm not really into politics, although, I believe I would've looked more into in had I could vote. People have asked me who I would vote for, and I 've always said I don't know because I haven't educated myself on the two candidates. However, I've always felt a leaning toward the now president elect, Barrack Obama. I've been in this country long enough to see three presidential elections including last night, and I've never seen a candidate that grabbed my attention like he does. I'm glad he won, and I hope he lives up to all the hype about him.

Made.

2008-11-04T16:00:00.004-06:00

Today was Psych exam #2, aka judgment day of some sort because I failed the first one miserably so I needed to make at least 75 on this one and at least a 75 on the Final to make that passing grade of 72 at the end of the semester. So this exam is a make or break for me, if I make below 75, the chance of me passing is slimmer than if I make above. I hated Psych with passion, and the instructors elicit the same sentiment out of me. It's just not my forte, I always feel like I'm in rut with this class. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this, the whole class does too.

The past few days have been a pressure cooker for me. I've studied and studied, practiced questions on the NCLEX book, doubted myself more than I can count, and it was just so draining. This morning anxiety was in overdrive, I kept reminding myself to calm down, trying not to hyperventilate. When I got to school, all the faces I saw were those of nervousness. It was just not a pretty sight at all.

We had a review right after the exam, and let me tell you, test review in this Psych is like a an outlet for that pent up anger. We're all frustrated and the instructors are just not helping, and yeah, it can get pretty hostile in there. Again, not a pretty sight.

But I made it. I passed, with an 84!!!! I was beyond relieved. I believed my faith played a part in that. I've also been praying for the past few days, so have my friends and family, and we believe prayers do work. I'm a testament for that today. I can't explain it electronically here, I can't describe how tricky the questions can be, how hard the instructors are on us. 84 might sound like a no big deal for some, but when you made a 66 on the first exam, 84 is a big deal. So. relieved.

Now, it's time to hit the book for another test next week. Ah, the life of a nursing student.

Happy voting, everyone! I'm not a citizen or permanent resident, so I can't vote. I wish I could....

Has it really been that long?

2008-10-28T22:07:00.002-05:00

I realized today that my Grampa has been gone for 3 months yesterday. It's a weird feeling, like he's been gone forever. We've carried on like normal ever since he passed, but I notice the emptiness in this house. The void he left that no one else can fill in and I wonder how we've managed to live with that all this time.

I think of him a lot, and I miss him terribly. I can still see him at the kitchen table reading newspaper as I go down the stairs on Sunday morning. I can still see him sitting by the window in his room reading a book, the same way I like to sit by the window and read my book. I can still see him sleeping on his bed when I woke him up to say goodbye before I left to New York, I told him I'll be back in August and I'll see him then. I can still see him nodded and said my name when Gramma asked if he knew who I was when I flew back from New York for that one fateful weekend. I can still see him lying unmoved when I confirmed his death after Gramma woke me up at 6 am that morning to come look at him because he wasn't moving. And I can still feel how cold his skin was when I held his hands for one last time before they took him away to the funeral home.

I wonder how would it be had I not gone to New York for the internship. Would I catch him getting sicker sooner? Would this turn out differently? I know I'm not to blame, it happened the way it's meant to happen, but I just wonder.... I don't know why this hits me harder 3 months later. Maybe because I thought he'd be here still? That I'd see him in his room when I came back from New York like I told him before I left?

The house is quieter without him. I miss hearing the Chinese music coming out of his room, I miss hearing his voice, his conversation with Gramma. He's a great man, my Grampa. I just wish he could tell me what he's been doing in heaven....

Random Monday musing.

2008-10-27T09:00:00.002-05:00

Did this morning stupidly: was about to step onto the bus only to realize that I forgot my ID badge which has my Metro card. Ended up driving to school this morning, blah.

Seen this morning: a man driving near medical center vicinity in an old vintage car with the roof open and the license plate reads "APGAR X". Well, alright then Mr. OB/GYN/Neonatalogist, carry on....

Received this morning: a bar of quite a fancy chocolate from a friend out of the blue right before lecture starts. I like friends who give little surprises, made my Monday. :)

Popped up in my mind this morning: a quote by a mother of a patient as told by the night shift nurse to me and preceptor as we were getting report. Mom sought the nurse because the kid was crying in the middle of the night, when nurse came, mom said to said nurse, "Can you please calm him down? He needs some human contact." Most outrageous quote I have ever heard in a hospital setting.

Watched this morning on the laptop before lecture: Gossip Girl episode from season 1. Shut up, I'm trying to catch up with TV shows these days. I'm trying to stay connected to the ~~outside~~ pop culture world here....

As my friend's, Kate, license plate says.

2008-10-20T08:59:00.004-05:00

You know it's gonna be a good clinical day when went to Starbucks to get a slice of banana nut loaf for breakfast and the barista says, "Oh I put two in there (bag) because they're small," and you know one small slice is actually enough for you but two small slices mean you have a slice for breakfast and you also have a slice for a snack later, for the price of one! Suuuhhhweeeeet!

And you also know it's gonna be a good clinical day when you're actually planning to pay for parking because you don't think anyone will go into your friend's apartment (where you usually park for free) gate at 6:15 am, therefore you can't tailgate a car in (because you don't have the code to get in, you have to call the friend to open the gate and you don't want your friend to hate you for calling her at 6:15 am), but when you pass the apartment you actually see a car turning into the complex, meaning you can get in and actually park for free! Suuuuhweeeeet!

And you also know you can finally have a break because you don't have exams for the next 3 weeks, meaning you can finally have back a semblance of your life that has been put on the back burner since school started. Case and example: I spent the weekend not touching any textbook and notes and I went to see the Duchess and the Secret Life of Bees. Suuuhhhweeeeeeet!

So as Kate's license plate says, my life, for the time being, is SUHWEET!!!!

SERIOUSLY??!!

2008-10-14T00:29:00.003-05:00

Like I don't have enough with the test anxiety this morning, I just had to fall down the stairs this morning as I was leaving my house. The universe hates me. What have I done to you, oh dear mighty universe, to have incur this wrath of yours??!!

Because really, I was already freaked out enough about the exam, and I was going the last half of the stairwell when I suddenly tripped, landed on my shins, proceeded to sled uncontrollably down the stairs, and in the process managed to bang my right wrist. Apparently nursing school has caused me an altered motor function or something, because I wasn't even wearing heels! I was wearing flats as flat as a Tanner II breast! Now I have a 4 cm ecchymosis on my wrist (on the carpometacarpal joint site to be exact) that is tender to touch and slightly edematous. *grumbles*

Needless to say, after being a little shaken after the tumble, I went to school and took the exam. Let me just say that faculty should just hand us Lorazepam as they hand out the exam, because really, we all need an antianxiety this semester. Anyway, I passed the test with a higher than expected grade.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm telling to stop because no! While you may think there's a correlation between falling down the stairs before exam and making a higher grade, I am not planning to to fall on anymore stairs anywhere. Unless the universe thinks I'm a child of Chucky or something that it feels the need to send me tumbling again.

Dear universe,
I'm nice. I'm kind. I help people. I try to recycle. I try to be mindful to the environment. Please give me a break. Please don't send me tripping and falling anymore. Please don't fail my exams. I promise I'll be even nicer, like do more volunteer work nice or pet Cookie the dog more kind of nice. Capiche?
Kthanxbye.

Imagery.

2008-10-12T16:47:00.003-05:00

All I want to do right now is be where all I hear is the rhythmic whir of waves coming onto the beach and the wind smells of the ocean, and when I collapse from this exhaustion, the sand feels soft and warm. I see crystal blue water as far as my eyes can take me, and under the hood of the palm leaves covering my face from the shining sun and with the cool breeze shielding me from the heat, I would doze of to sleep, oh yes I would. Those muscle kinks from hours of sitting down studying and standing on my feet in clincials will relax, and all thoughts of exams, care plans, med sheets, classrooms, and hospitals will go to the land far far away. Oh how life is good, I would think to myself as I drift to a deep sleep.

But suddenly, I was awaken by the deafening sound of a child's scream. A tourist kid who's been playing quietly in the sand got his toe bitten by a crab. Just as I entered back to the conscious world, I'd tell myself it must have been sucked to be that kid. But then I realized my life sucks too because I remember yesterday I had filled up my gas tank early in the morning before clinical paying $3.19/gallon only to find out by the time I got out of clinical 13 hours later, gas was $2.99/gallon at the very same gas station.

Sorry kid, life is tough, at least you're not losing your toe. I, on the other hand, might as well lose my mind because after feeling like I've been beaten down for 3 weeks in the row from studying after studying for exam after exam and clinical after clinical, I still won't get a break to catch my breath until next Sunday because I have Peds exam #2 Monday, a Computer Literacy exam, process recording, and Psych care plan due Tuesday, a Peds care plan and 3-11 pm Psych clinical Wednesday, a possible 7a-7p Adult clinical Thursday, another 3-11 pm Psych clinical Friday, and a 7a-7p Peds clinical Saturday.

I thought last semester was bad, I thought after that was over this semester will be better and I'll have more free time. Hahahhaha hahahhah free time hahhaha. NO.

How do people make it out of nursing school alive with their sanity intact??!!! I need to know of this secret. I feel like I've been pushed to a territory of tiredness and chaos I never know existed. I'm running on fumes these days.

Oh my beach, crystal blue water, ocean breeze, and palm tree--without a crab bitten screaming kid of course--where be you?

Bottom.

2008-09-30T18:19:00.003-05:00

I failed my first Psych exam today. Even though I kind of had an idea that I won't do too well and that I might even fail, it still stings when I actually realized that I had indeed failed this exam, miserably at that.

Due to Ike, I had 2 exams between yesterday and today, plus all of the wedding hoopla last week proof to be a mighty hell of a distraction. I knew that it wasn't going to be well for me, having to manage however little study time I've got left for 2 subjects. I'm trying not to blame other thing or people, I have myself to blame. I wish I have better time management skill, I wish I can focus better. As much as I want to blame the wedding for taking away my study time, I don't think it's fair for me to do so. It's my brother getting married, I was expected to help and and be at family dinners. I did have a good time at the wedding, not as much as I'd like though, I have to admit that. In the back of my mind, I was constantly panicking about the lack of studying I've done all week.

But oh wells, what is done is done. I failed. Official grade has not been posted, but we did a review after the exam and based on how many wrongs I counted, I knew I didn't pass. I'm so angry at myself, so disappointed. I have never failed to this level of craptastic in my academic career. Never. I failed my first Assessment exam back in Junior I, but my grade was only 1 point shy of the passing grade. This time? I don't even think if my instructors throw out some questions will help me. I really did screw up that bad.

Perhaps, this is the kick in the ass that I needed to get serious and get my focus back on school. I know I'll get back on my feet, put this behind, and think positively for the upcoming exams, but for the time being I'm moping and beating myself for this.

Wanna ask me open ended questions?

2008-09-23T12:00:00.004-05:00

Autumn. Fall. It's usually my favorite season. But not this year.

In the aftermath of Ike, the schedule for this semester is as messy and scrambled as Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' divorce. It's got the hospitals involved, the required clinical hours involved, the lectures and exams involved. There are hospitals that don't want to deal with us just yet, leading us in the dark as to when we can come in for orientation and to actually start clinical, there are a week worth of materials need to be lectured, there are postponed exams need to be taken. So far, for my clinical section, we have settled 2 orientations out of 3 this week, 2 exams next week, 1 exam the week after, and that's it. It's just this mammoth of uncertainty at the moment.

Also, this week is known as the Brother #2's wedding week, also known as the week my studying time will be cut down due to family related event in which I will put pageant like smiles on my face as I greet the soon to be in-laws of Brother #2 with higher than usual pitch voice to convey as much as glee as I can squeeze out of my current frustrated, anxious, dark, and gloomy state. I should put a name tag that says "Hello my name is Cee, yes I am the sister, and I'm also a nursing student, so forgive the less than bright and cheery appearance, I'm trying my best to think of rainbows and roses for this occasion that I truly am happy about, but it's just that nursing school is kicking my ass and Ike just ruined what was a bearable semester into one that will undo me. So if I have a faraway look on my face when you're talking to me, it's not that you're boring or I don't like you, I'm just trying to recall the materials for my exams next week."

The thing is, the sufficient study time to pass me is there but I'm just feeling I'm going to be so damn exhausted all week, I already am. This week will be the death of me.

Please send fluffy cotton candies, ponies, chocolates, rainbows, pots of gold, and fairy dusts to the newly opened Things to Keep Cee From Pulling Out Her Hair and Headdesking Too Much donation box, I greatly appreciate it.

Back to school.

2008-09-21T20:38:00.002-05:00

After a week off school post Hurricane Ike, we are back on tomorrow. I don't feel like going back to be honest with you, I'm dreading how crazy our schedule is going to be since we have lectures, exams, and clinical orientations (and clinicals itself because we postponed the orientation). Psych test #1 on Tuesday has been canceled, which is such a relief for me since I didn't get much studying done all week. It's difficult to concentrate on studying during all this chaos, plus my mom arrived on Thursday, so I've been taking her around, making good of my time off.

*sighs* Back to regular programming tomorrow.

Let there be light.

2008-09-16T18:53:00.005-05:00

My house now has power back, wooot!!! After 4 days of living in the dark and without AC, we finally can lay to rest the flashlights and candles. Thank God! School is out until Wednesday, the rest of the week is still unsure. I'm trying very hard to focus and study but such is a difficult thing to do.

On another news, my mama will arrive in TWO days! Wheeeee :D I haven't seen her in 6 years, I've missed her so. Can't wait can't wait can't wait!

So I heard India Arie's Summer for the first time today and, boy, did that make me miss summer. I've thought about those summer days a lot.

"Goodbye summer, I hate to see you go. I wasn't ready for the autumn wind to blow."

Damn right, I surely wasn't ready for Ike to blow and wreck havoc on this city the first month of autumn.

"My heart is frozen in this place, waiting for another summer's day to bring you back my way."

True...true..., but more like to bring me back that way to New York.

I've been thinking how much I miss the fast pace of New York. Maybe that might sound weird for some to hear, I've heard a lot of "NY is too busy for me", and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not planning to live there forever either. When I'm older with a few kids in tow, I will appreciate the slow and relaxed pace of Texas.

But for now, I miss the climbing 4 flights of stairs to get to that apartment in Astoria and climbing more steps to get to the subway, I miss the walking and maneuvering my way through the human traffic that is the New York sidewalks, I miss the convenience of having 3 grocery stores in the 6 blocks between the subway station and the apartment, I miss being able to walk into the cozy bakery across the street from the apartment for a dessert fix anytime of the week, I miss ordering take outs that aren't just pizza, I miss the plethora of restaurants the City has to offer, I miss the smell of falafel, kebab, and hot dogs as I walk down the street, I miss going to Broadway shows and summer concerts at the parks.

*big sighs*

Most of all, I've missed the people I met there the most.

Recuperating.

2008-09-14T16:45:00.005-05:00

Ike has passed, but boy did leave some imprints in this city. Some parts of town are better than the other, some are worst, some have electricity back already, some don't. People are starting to get out of the house, searching for gas for their cars, searching for hot food that they can't cook at home, searching for basic supplies such as water, ice, batteries. Traffic lights are swinging from the post, tree branches blocking the street, fences broken on the ground, signs and billboards torn. Those are some of the scenes I saw as I drove today. The good thing is that I don't see much flooding.

I think I can safely say that all schools are out tomorrow, including mine, meaning Peds exam #1 will be postponed. I'm glad it's postponed because none of us was able to concentrate on studying amidst the chaos that is this hurricane. We don't know when school will reopen, but we have been warned by our instructors that they will do whatever it is to catch us up with our syllabus, even when it means coming to class on the weekends or other extra days/hours. So it's also safe to say that my schedule is going to be even more bizarre after all of this.

So that's a weekend with Ike. I hope there will be nothing like this anymore in the future.

ETA pictures:

Stormy weather.

2008-09-13T00:14:00.005-05:00

Well, I am one year older now, it's official. The best present yet? Having the power and internet back on. Nothing is better than the light suddenly coming back on when you were on the verge of frustration because it was hot and you can't go to sleep and it was only 11 pm and the only reason you were trying to go to sleep was because there was nothing else to do because the power was out. There. And I am now eating chips and salsa, yum. Not cutting the cake yet, because I'm already eating enough junkie food as it is, let's not add cake past midnight. Alright that's the update as of now, still windy and a little raining outside.

22:11 -- So I've been without power and internet until now. Even now I'm at my aunt's, my house doesn't have power and internet just yet. We're all fine, no damage nor flooding to either house, so it's all good. I went to bed around 1 am last night, and that was when it started raining really hard. I got some sleep but I remember the sound of the wind and rain being so scary. This was definitely a birthday to remember.

The calm before the storm.

2008-09-12T11:01:00.011-05:00

First off, let me tell you the nightmare that is trying to get home yesterday. I got out of school early, and obviously so did everybody else from their job and what not because when I got to downtown to catch the midday bus, there was a line already forming. Soon enough, the bus came and it was full, there wasn't even any standing room left. Several people left the line to walk a few block to the previous bus stops, but boy oh boy, the line at every stop is no better. I ended up walking a good 15 blocks to the very first stop for that bus (all that walking in New York came in handy) and waited there.

The the bus service finally sent it free shuttles to cater to the large amount of people trying to get home. Alas, we found out that the HOV lane on the highway is closed. Wth?! And as you can imagine, traffic is horrendous, so the bus driver was kind enough to agree to try whatever route she can to get us home. We ended up taking this small backway and eventually made it to the Park & Ride. I got out of school at noon, got to downtown at 12:20, got on the bus at 13:05, got on the Park & Ride at 14:40, and finally made it home at 15:00. What an adventure.

Today, we should be getting the effects of the hurricane already, even though landfall is not expected until Saturday 1 am. When I look outside now, the sky is clear and everything is calm, but the wind has already made its presence. Not a strong wind yet, but it's noticeably more windy that any day in the past week. It is very unnerving to know that this wind will increase as the hour goes, and what now is a 17 mph wind is expected to be 71 mph at 4 am Saturday.

I can't imagine what it will be like, but we're as ready as we can be. We've got water and food and things alike, the backyard is rid of things that the wind can pick up, so for now we're just sitting, hoping, waiting.

ETA:
15:10 -- I'm still watching the sky turns darker and wind grows stronger as the hour passes, 17 mph it is not anymore. Cousin M has taken Gramma to Cousin K's house at another part of town to stay with her and her family. Now there are only Cousin K2, my brother, and I at home. Cousin K2 and I are thinking of heading over to our Aunt's a couple of streets down later this evening so we could all be under one roof as we ride out this storm. My brother has decided to stay put at home, at least we'd be in the same neighborhood so that gives me some kind of a peace of mind.

The house is very quiet, as is the street, a few doors are boarded up. It is quite eerie to watch actually. Most of my friends and family at the other parts of town aren't in the mandatory evacuation area so we're staying put, and it's a comic relief to read everyone's Facebook status. Who would've thunk there is a million ways to say we're basically ready, albeit anxiously, awaiting Ike.

There is a birthday cake in the fridge, we'll be cutting that on Saturday stormy weather or not. My uncle, Cousin K2, and I have September birthdays, so we'll have some good moments at the least. I'm hoping everyone stays safe.

17:57 -- My brother, Cousin K2, and I just decided all three of us will stay at this house instead of going to my aunt's. Not going to have my brother here by himself, and not going to leave this house unattended. Trees branches are moving, the sky is a shade of gloom, and you can now hear the "woosh" of the wind every now and then. I'm just waiting for the first drop of rain, it should meet the ground at 20:00.

23:22 -- After losing power and internet around 19:00, we now have power and internet back. Cousin K and I went to our aunt's house after all while my brother went to the hotel where his fiance works. I don't know how long we're going to have this power and internet back on, but boy it's a good feeling. Surprisingly there is no rain yet, but you can clearly hear the wind outside. It's definitely picking up speed. Oh, Cousin S just said she heard rain. I guess the first raindrop is here after all.

Suckity Suck.

2008-09-11T09:28:00.002-05:00

Oh good, not only that I can't get out on my Saturday birthday this weekend due to Peds exam #1 on Monday, now I'll be studying in the storm and quite possibly with candles and flashlights should we lose electricity. Great, nothing like a gloomy, rainy, stormy, and quite possibly floody birthday.

School is more than likely closed tomorrow. Today after class would be hurricane proofing the house and getting last minute supplies. School might open again on Monday pending damage and power availability.

There is not a plan for my family to evacuate as of now. When Rita came 2 years ago, we evacuated to Dallas. What should be a 5 hours drive became a 24 hours drive, which lead to the demise of my Grandfather's health. He suffered a mini stroke on the long trip related to poor circulation secondary to prolonged sitting as evidenced by...okay, I'll stop the nursing diagnosis-esque sentence here. Point is, he never fully recovered his health from then on. He finally passed away late July this year.

Based on that, I think we just collectively decided to stay home because we couldn't do the same thing to Grandma. I will admit that I have some fears about evacuating, thinking of what it might do to Grandma's health. So we're staying put, and we're prepared.

For all of you who live in the area to be hit by Hurricane Ike, be safe. For all of you who don't, please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I'll try to keep you posted throughout the weekend.

Lemonade, anyone?

2008-09-10T14:25:00.004-05:00

You know, sometimes life gives you such a funny twist that you just have to laugh and say "Hah! Good one, good one...."

Man, I love my life, never a dull moment.

And I love my friends, they laugh with me. Most of the time anyway.... That I know of....

Mission Impossible.

2008-09-09T11:31:00.004-05:00

I think it is just futile for me to sit in 3 hours lecture, especially the afternoon lecture on Monday.

Not. getting. anything. in.

45 30 minutes in and I'm already antsy and bored out of my mind. I can visualize all this information coming my way, only to bounce off once they hit my giant forehead.

I think it's just because I haven't been in a classroom setting for 3 months, I was out and about this summer. Hopefully, I'll get back to the school mode soon enough, cuz ya know, paying attention in class is kinda crucial to my passing the tests and all that important thing.

The good thing is I'm not falling asleep, but still, I need help. Focus, Cee, focus!!!

New York from my eyes.

2008-09-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's only fair that I post some pictures from my summer in New York.

Let's start with the picture that is perhaps my favorite picture that I took this summer.

Brooklyn Bridge and Lower Manhattan from DUMBO.

Bryant Park, taken with my camera phone.

Union Square from the second floor of Whole Foods, taken with my camera phone.

Times Square.

Fifth Avenue.

My favorite piece from the rooftop garden at the Metropolitan Museum, taken with my camera phone.

The rooftop garden at the Met, taken with my camera phone.

Coney Island, taken with my camera phone.

A piece outside of MoMA (Museum of Modern Art), taken by my friend.

the Sculpture garden at MoMA.

Central Park, taken with my camera phone.

Where we went kayaking on the Hudson River.

My roommate took this view of the city as she was on the kayak.

Riverside Park on the Upper West Side, I believe they used this location to film You've Got Mail.

Next time I'll post pictures from my Boston and Washington D. C. trips.

Reflecting.

2008-09-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

The internship, I miss it. As I started my Child Health (Peds) class this semester, I realized just how much I'd learned over the summer. Even when, at the time, I complained that it was unfortunate that we as interns were limited in what we were allowed to do. Now, I saw just how much knowledge I've gained by doing what were seemingly trivial tasks over this summer.

Those urines I dip and how to get them out of diapers, keeping track of I&O's and the importance behind it, checking on IV's every hour and keeping track of those numbers, monitoring those vitals during conscious sedation, the little tricks you use with children to get them to cooperate with you, getting blood from those central lines. They all came rushing back to me, and when my instructors lecture or showing us things in the lab, they make an absolutely perfect sense. And once again, I am humbled to be where I was this summer.

The floor I interned at receives Hematology/Oncology patients, so a lot of the children that I've taken care of are frequent fliers or regular costumers, which means they stay on the unit for a long period of time and/or frequently return for treatment. As a result, the staff get to know them and their family pretty well and vice versa. There is not a day that has gone by since I ended my internship that I don't think about those "regular costumers".

How are they responding to their treatment? Have N & M lost their hair? Is P still scared when it's time to change his port-a-cath needle? Is G still refusing his meds? Has R finished her round of chemo? How are they and their family coping? Is Y home by now? I hope her count stays up. I hope C's bone marrow transplant goes well. I hope none of them relapses....

My heart breaks for them, for what they have to go through. I used to read their charts in the lounge, then I'd watch from the window in the corner, out to the green of Central Park across the street. A playground was there, swings, slides, monkey bars, you name it, and everyday I watched as kids filter through that playground throughout all hours of the morning and afternoon, wishing the kids I had on the unit could do the same. I'd take a long sigh and get back to work, saying a little prayer as I pass each room for them to get better a little sooner.

Yet in all of this, I've found great courage. Cliche to say that, but it couldn't be more true. For two days I watched as one family broke down as their 3 year old was diagnosed with Leukemia, but in the days afterward I watched them gathered every strength they had to pull through. They took in every ounce of information the doctors tell them--treatments, procedures, side effects, risks, prognosis, asked questions, and clang to every hope. They braved procedures that they have never heard before--lumbar puncture, bone marrow aspirate, port-a-cath insertion--and one they've heard but never thought would exist in their family--chemotherapy--being done on their tiny child. They held their child's hands and soothed their child through every vitals, labs, and meds with "It's okay, it's okay. It's gonna be okay." Sometimes, I even think they said those words to assure themselves too.

Those children, they're bravery and courage personified. As angry as they might have been, as scared as they might been, as rebellious as they might have been against all of these diseases, they manage. They just do. Somehow, along the way, they find a way to cope, to accept, to fight, and a reason to live. Every so often I'd come across charts so thick with health history, full of conditions so foreign to me, I had to google as I read those charts, and every so often afterward, I've found myself dumbfounded as to how they find the strength to go through all of that for years and years. My hat is off to them.

I really do miss those kids. Baby D, unaware of the how sick he really is, moving his head happily when you play his music toys as you take his vitals. Little N, the little tod, screaming bloody murder at everything and anything done to him, but once in a while when you're just checking on him throughout the day, he'd show you what game he's playing, he'd smile and you'd forget an hour ago he was kicking all four limbs as you and your nurse restrain him down for an oral med. R, in her early teen, as sweet as she can be, letting me draw my first central line blood from her even though she's very particular about her line. S, who came in for a sickle cell crisis, was quiet as a rock, but once she talked 50 mph with her 5 year old imagination, you knew she was no longer in pain and she was going home soon.

With this experience, I look forward to my Peds clinical this semester. I love working with children, they are a source of inspiration.

Senior year, it has begun.

2008-09-03T21:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm really bad at updating blog. Really bad. I haven't gotten a chance to write a proper blog about my New York experience yet, so far it has been lists, and I don't feel like it's a proper enough post. And then there is thing called the Senior year that had just started. Um, gooodbye summer break....

The Senior year, the last year, the time frame that will determine if I will add an "RN" behind my name at the end of this period. Quite scary, I say. I couldn't believe that it is finally here, this senior year, I feel it was just yesterday I was sending out applications. Wasn't it just recently that nursing school was just a dream and now I am halfway through? Now, it's time to gear up for the HESI and NCLEX, wait wait...hold up, HESI?! NCLEX?! Jeez...really?! Already?! I have no idea where time went.

So senior year, I am a week and two days into in. As usual, the first 3 weeks of the new semester is like "Well hello, INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!!" *thuds*, because you're either sitting in lectures in your scheduled class times or you're in lecture or lab 9-5 on the days you're not supposed to be in class, but they make you to because you don't have clinicals yet and they don't like to see you having 3 off days because they're mean like that.

I'm kidding, they're not mean. Okay, maybe a little mean. Point is, we're always exhausted, grumpy, and whiny, and it's only the second week. And to think we still have 4 more months of this. Le sigh....

Today, we sat through a 9-5 Psych lectures. Maaaan, was I Miss Antsy Mcpantsy after only the first hour.... Tomorrow is another 9-5, but at least it's a lab, we get to walk around, play with equipments, and poke each other. Hooray. Oh the sound of excitement...not.

Speaking of clinicals, I have sucky clinicals days. SUCKY, I tell you. A Wednesday (Adult), a Friday (Peds), a Saturday (Psych), I am none to happy. What upsets me the most is that my dear mother is coming from my home country and I had this plan to take her somewhere on weekends that I am not bombarded with school works--these weekends are rare commodities but they do exist once in a bluemoon. However, I am now left with only Thursday and Sunday off. I'm pretty much stuck until Thanksgiving! Bah humbug....

On another note, my friend made this observation last week as we took the medication calculation test, a.k.a the test that you must get 100 on to pass, and if you don't make 100 in 3 tries then you're out of the program. So afterward, she said "Miss Cee, please be a little more nervous next time you take a test. What is wrong with you? Why are you so chill taking a test? It's making me more nervous, at least pretend you're nervous!" It appears whatever calming method I was using worked a little to well perhaps.

And the next day she said, "You look so dainty today with that top you're wearing. Looking like a New Yorker already." Wha? Am I not wrong when I said that you usually hear a New Yorker described as an all black, ice queen, no non-sense kinda thing? But dainty? Who would've thunk?! My friend, she said the darndest thing obviously.

Well, there you have it. Senior year, it is here.

Lists, they complete my life.....

2008-08-20T19:51:00.004-05:00

Another list to compile the non-hospital related things I did--or didn't--while in New York.

-Everyday I walked up and down 4 flight of stairs to get to and from my apartment.

-My cooking ability is still not enough to be called "skill".

-I lint rolled the clothes I was wearing before I left the apartment, while walking to the subway, on the subway, and sometimes once I got to my destination. Those cats shed like there's no tomorrow. Damn.

-Speaking of cats, I cleaned up cat's puke once.

-During the 3 months of my stay, I have only worn heels one night. ONE, and a ONE inch heels at that....

-Holy a lot of walking, Batman!

-Bought many a flat shoes.

-Once, under the influence of an impulsive friend (you know who you are), I spent way more that I usually would on a dress. Like, 5 times more that I would. To this day, no matter how good that dress makes me look, I still cringe when I thought about it. What the hell was I thinking?!

-Gone out past 2-3 am on many occasion, which usually is unheard of when the semester is in session.

-Smoked Hookah for the first time. Did not like it.

-Went to the Met twice and to MoMa once and was surprised that I actually enjoyed museums more than I thought I would.

-Fell in love with the little boutiques in SoHo, even though I barely buy anything from them.

-Didn't see as many Broadway show as I thought I would. I only saw 2, shocking, considering how big of a Broadway fan I am. Why didn't I see more will remain a mystery.

-Kayaked on the Hudson River. For free! So much fun!

-Spent a weekend in Boston with my roommate and my friend. One of the best weekends this summer.

-Took a day trip to Washington D.C. with another friend. Another fun time.

-Until we arrived in East Chinatown area at 1 am-ish with no yellow cab in sight and only black cab drivers trying to woo us.

-The subway already looked scary enough for me when I got there earlier that morning, so I bravely took the black cab.

-And was scared shitless the whole way home. The driver was nice and my gut trusted him, but still you know, unregistered cab past midnight is nevertheless shady.

-Then I scared my roommate shitless when I got home. I had tried to be as quiet as possible, but right when I entered the room, the cat had woken her up, plus the light from my cell phone screen was on. There was some screaming alright....

-Went karaoke in Ktown and experienced the horror that is Korean background video as we sang. Nothing like watching bloody war video as you're singing a love song. Really....

-Walked the Brooklyn Bridge from Manhattan to Dumbo. The view of Manhattan from Dumbo was worth the long walk across the East River.

-Fell in love with the East Village. St. Marks, what would I do without you?

-Ate out a LOT and tried many a fabulous food and desserts, which is not conducive to said cooking skill mentioned above.

Speaking of food:

-Had a hotdog from the food stand on the street. It was like a rite of passage to New York or somethin'....

-Went to Serendipity and had the famous frozen hot chocolate. It was good.

-Went to had Japanese ramen. Great, but Samurai noodle in Seattle still wins by a mile.

-Spent an afternoon at Cha An teahouse in the East Village chatting with girlfriends. Good time.

-Went to this two super cool and authentic Japanese places, Oh Taisho! and Kyotofu. Gah, I love Japanese food.

-Went to Rice to Riches, a whole store of rice pudding desserts with a plethora of flavors.

-Tried the cupcakes from Crumbs. Overrated.

-Went to Max Brenner, the chocolate desserts haven. Can't get enough of it.

-Had a very very good Korean BBQ at Madangsui.

-Had Indian food for the first time at one of the Indian restaurants on the Indian street in East Village.

-Had the ever delicious soup dumplings from Shanghai Cuisine.

-Tried the hot chocolate soup dumpling from Rickshaw.

-Ate many a dish from my home country in Elmhurst. Yuuummmeeh!

-Took advantage of New York's Restaurant Week twice. First to Cafe Centro at the Grandcentral terminal, and second to Firebird, a Russian restaurant.

-Fell in love with Martha's Country Bakery across the street from my apartment. Everything there tastes delicious, like little pieces of heaven. Gelato, cupcakes, pound cakes, cakes, pies, pastries, you name it.

-I went to Coney Island and had an affair with a very yummy funnel cake.

Okay, enough mentions of food.

-Bought my first laptop.

-And also bought my first digital camera. Both with the money I earned from the internship. :)

-Met the cutest baby ever. That Kayla, she's all cheeks and rolls, a doll that one.

-My roommate and I, on our way out for a night in the city, went to her friend's apartment due to some rat incident. Needless to say, we didn't go out and I experienced the infamous New York rat-in-the-apartment story.

-Speaking of roommate, I had the nicest, funniest, most wonderful roommate ever.

-Went to my first Jazz concert.

-Stepped out of my comfort zone of being quiet and pushed myself to be more talkative with new people, however uncomfortable that made me feel at first.

-As a result, I've made friends with wonderful people. They made my New York experience all the more memorable.

-Over the summer, I've met people who are copywriter, graphic designer, clothing designer and store owner, model, music therapist, accountant, art director, Wall Street person, nurse, doctor, interior design student, food science student, media student, etc. It's like, wow, I've never thought I've met such a diverse group of people in one short period of time.

I'm sure there's plenty more that I did and didn't do, that I can't remember on top of my head right now. So for now, this is it. I'm sure I will still make some New York related posts for some time. I mean, summer in New York, can't write about it in a single post....

Well, hello there!

2008-08-19T15:37:00.004-05:00

This blog desperately needs to be updated. I thought I was going to write more while I was in New York, but who am I kidding? I was out and about every chance I got when I wasn't working. I mean, it's New York City!

I am now back in the great (and hot) land of Texas. A lot has happened since I last wrote, so this is just going to be another update lists, until I find time to gather my thoughts.

Summer flew by fast. Too fast!
I flew back to Texas one weekend due to family emergency.
My Grandfather was sick and eventually passed away.
I was there when he passed, but missed the funeral because I had to go back to finish the internship.
Speaking of internship, it is done. Sadness....
It was an amazing experience, one I would treasure for the rest of my life.
Now I am back, and I've been settling down into my new room.
When Grampa got sick, my grandparents and I switched rooms for an easier access for them since my old room was downstairs.
My cousins and I pretty much stuffed everything from my old room upstairs.
And I didn't have time to clean and organize in the short weekend that I was home.
So now I came home to a room full of things everywhere. I mean EVERY FREAKING WHERE, I can barely walk in that room.
It took me two days to get everything cleaned up and neat.
I am so tired, someone should give me a message.
And it has been so gloomy here.
Heck, am I not in Texas?!
Where is the scorching heat?
Okay, I'll shut up. Better not jinx it....
I miss New York. A lot.
And this post doesn't make sense at all. Just be blabbering.
And now I'm gonna eat. Haven't had a meal since morning. Stupid moving....

Random.

2008-07-16T21:57:00.002-05:00

There have only been a handful of times that the full moon is so beautiful I stop on my track to just gaze upon it, big--appearing so close to the earth--with an orange glow--the reflecting the sun's setting. Some people say stop and smell the roses, I stop and see the moon.

I'm in.

2008-07-13T20:47:00.003-05:00

For the first time since I started this internship, I feel like a nurse, and I feel like I'm more than another PCA/student to the other nurses. For the first time, I feel like I'm a part of the team. It's not that the nurses aren't great or helpful because they are, but I just felt like they see me as a student or a guest, and I'm here to shadow to learn and do PCA things. Generally, I've felt like I was on the outside, I'd do vitals, I&O's, ADL's, monitoring, and little things they've asked me to do, but they don't really involve me in the what's going on of these patients. I think a part of it is due to the restrictions I have in this internship, I'm not allowed to give anything into the body such as giving medications or starting and giving IV's, so I'm already not in the "in's" of things to begin with. I do ask a lot of questions and find out about the new orders and what's going through the charts, but most of the time I'd find out later.

However, today was different because we had a situation early in day where my preceptor wasn't available to care for our assigned patients, and the nurses, with whom our patients were divided amongst, weren't familiar with the kids. But I was. I had been taking care of them since Friday, and I was able to give the nurses reports on their conditions. Today, instead of working with one preceptor, I worked with 3 different nurses. And since we were short staffed, I was mainly the middle person between the patients and their new nurses.

The nurses I worked with were great, they trusted that I knew the patients and family well enough they listened to me when I told them about the kids' conditions, or asked questions that the family wanted to know, or alerted them about any changes I noticed, and they relayed my assessment to the doctors. They notified me about a new diagnosis of one of my kid and the plan of care the doctors had set. One of them even had me to talk to the doctor and sent me in with him when he went to re-assess the kid while she went to care for another patient. I really felt like I was a part of the team and I'm not shy to say that I was able to step up to the plate and did a good job helping the short-staffed unit today, and boy, that feels good.

It was a really good day today. Now, after working all weekend--three 12.5 hours shift in a row, I am ready to spend Monday sleeping and not thinking of "Damn, that's a whole lotta diapers to weigh and dip...," or "Shit, another fever," or "Alright, P in room 42 needs a stool softener," or means of distraction to get a picky kid to eat so they can go home.

The name of the game.

2008-07-08T22:06:00.003-05:00

With Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban naming their new daughter Sunday Rose (I mean, really, Sunday?!), it got me thinking about the names of the kids I've seen on the floor thus far. There have been some interesting ones, with out of the ballpark spelling of course, but none has really been a...you know, "Apple?!!" *headdesks* "Joseph Jagger Blue?! On a girl??!!!" *headdesks* kinda thing. That is until Monday morning when I encounter a set of siblings on the floor.

Obviously, I can't say the names, but let's just say that one of them was intended to sound like "The One", as in here's my kid, they're "The One". The one for what I don't know, the one you want to watch out for, the one that will cry the loudest, the one...well, it was a *headdesks* moment nonetheless. Then, I found out about Nicole and Keith's Sunday later in the day. My head hurt a lot that Monday.

Anyway, 4th of July was made of all kind of wins. I went to a rooftop party out in Brooklyn where we can see the famous New York fireworks. It was lovely. I hope everyone's 4th was wonderful as well!

The one where I wandered around the Cith by myself part 12534526342.

2008-07-01T18:50:00.003-05:00

I've been walking around the City by myself on my day offs so far, just because the people I know here work everyday unlike me who only work a select 3 days. So off I go on my own adventure, exploring neighborhood by neighborhood, discovering places to eat and have desserts, all on my own. It's a love/hate relationship. On one hand, I'd love to have a company, but on the other hand I'm not sure I'll feel as free as I do when I'm on my own.

But anyway, that's not the point. The point is today I went to East Village, went into this vintage store, and fell in love with a pair of black pointy toed Marc Jacobs flats. It's simple, yet oh so comfortable and all kind of pretty--not to mention I have been looking for a pair of comfortable pointy toed black flats. It was love at first sight. But it also requires my selling a toe or thumb in order to afford said flats, 'cuz ya know, Student Nurse Intern + living in New York = poorer than a Student Nurse living in Texas. It's a tragedy.

In the end, I managed to muster up more self control than I thought I had. I begrudgingly take the right shoe that I tried on off my foot, stepped away from it, and out the door I went. My bestfriend E said, "Sleep on it tonight and see if you still want them tomorrow." To which I'm thinking, "Damn hell, I will still want them tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...."

Anyhow, that's about the shoes. Another thing is, lately I've been approached by people asking me directions. Twice today to be specific. And I actually knew the answers! Hah! Like "Broadway? Suuuree, that way," "Washington Square Park? Two block downs this way," "The hospital? Keep straight until Madison then turn right until xxth street."

Okay, maaaaybe the hospital thing doesn't count because I was wearing scrubs, so it was like I had a bright yellow neon light pointing at me "I'm a hospital employee! Ask me direction to it!" But other than that? That means I don't look like a tourist or a newbie anymore, with a subway map in hand, standing on a curb mulling with myself to jaywalk like everybody else or wait until the light allows you to (in which the conversation in my head between me and my adapting to the New Yorkers' way of life Self goes as follow,

Me: Go? No, no go.
Self: Everybody else is go.
Me: What if a car comes? I still need to survive, you know.
Self: But everybody else is GO! There is no car!
Me: What if there is a cop? You could get fined in Texas for jaywalking.
Self: Well, are you in Texas right now?!
Me: No...
Self: Exactly, now GO!!!!
Me: Alright, alright, I'll go I'll go....

There are many a conversation as this when I'm out by myself on the New York streets. And no, the other convos need not to be mention here).

Speaking of tourist, I was checking out Patricia Field's store (she is the costume director of Sex and the City for those who don't know) today and saw this almost replica of one of the dress Sarah Jessica parker wore in the movie. Then this tourist came by with a Sex and the City picture book or something alike (I didn't know there is such a thing as this memorabilia SATC book! Huh, something new to learn each day, eh?), and asked the salesperson--while pointing at a page in the book, which I'm assuming a picture of SJP wearing said similar dress--"This is the dress?" Of course, the salesperson--complete with a sigh and subtle eye roll--explained that no, the dress in the movie is a vintage find and the store only made a similar ones based on it. And so the tourist went away with such disappointed face I kinda wanted to laugh....

So that was my Tuesday of walking around the City.

2008-06-24T10:44:00.003-05:00

You know, I had never been afraid of clown when I was a kid, but after seeing the clowns that come to the Peds building? Now I understand why some kids scream bloody murder when they see one.

Clowns are not funny! They wear crazy clothes, they put on ghost white powder on their face, bright red blood lipstick, and dark gravely eye shadow, they put pillow or something on their butt to make it protrude like they're backwardly pregnant
(which becomes a problem when the nurses are trying to get from one patient to another and the clown's humongous behind is blocking half of the hallway), their shoes are too big, and so do their smiles (they're too chipper!). What the hell, they are creepy!!! I don't like them clowns. Why I wasn't afraid of them as a kid remains a mystery, especially considering that one of my older brothers once chased me around the house wearing a rubber clown mask with a bread knife when I was about 8 or something. I'm not kidding, he really did that.

I now cringe whenever those clowns come around the corner. To the kids, I want to say to them "Scream away, kiddos, keep those people in ruffles and giant shoes away from you!"

Anyway, other than the clowns, the internship has been good. I get more busy and learn new things each time I come in. Tomorrow will be the first time all the interns will get together after we saw each other last three weeks ago, so it will be interesting to hear about how everyone's experience has been. They will hear about the clowns more than likely.

Defintely not in Texas anymore....

2008-06-12T08:15:00.003-05:00

So New York had a heatwave this past weekend and oh how I miss the central AC at my house in Texas. It was so freaking HOT!

Anyway, I had my first 12 hours shift on the floor, and boy was it an eye opener. I can't help but comparing it to the the last hospital where I had my clinical last semester. Perhaps, it's not a fair comparison considering the obvious difference in that my internship is on a Peds floor while the clinical was on an Adult floor, as well as the difference in acuity. Obviously, I can't talk much about these differences due to privacy purposes, so I'm just going to leave it at "It's different."

I've heard about the Peds floor, about how difficult is it for first timer to remember all the baselines for the different ages and to deal with family members on top of the patients. So much can happen in those 12 hours, really. Another new thing that I have to take in is seeing all of those sick children, realizing that, unfortunately, it is real that they are that sick, that they have to go through so much in one day.

And with hailing from Texas and interning in New York comes the inevitable question of "So, are you going to move to New York?", to which I answer "I have a year to think about it." I really do. I love living here in New York, there is that desire to move but of course, there are a lot of other things to be thoroughly considered. We'll see. Stay tune for a year and we'll find out. For now I'm just enjoying the experience while it lasts.

Oh, you know what I saw while walking home from the subway? An ad that says McDonald sells sweet tea! Huzzah!

List.

2008-06-06T20:53:00.002-05:00

There is much to be told since the last post, so I'm going to make a list. My brain is a little scattered so this is in no particular order.

1. I've been in orientation all this week from 0800-1630 and next Monday is the last day.

2. Orientation SUCKS.

3. There were lectures of things we've already learned in school such as infection control and pressure ulcer, yadda yadda yadda....

4. It is so boring I had to force myself to drink coffee this morning to keep me awake. Coffee does not make me happy....

5. Oh and we practiced blood draw on fake arms, then they told us we're going to be checked off drawing blood on EACH OTHER.

6. WTH?! I thought we are well past the days of poking fellow students with needles! Heh.

6. Speaking of needles, I've been stuck with needles more time than I would like ever since I arrived in New York: One blood draw from employee service, one blood draw from the check off, and one shot from employee service.

7. Being stuck by needles does not make me happy either.

8. Wednesday has been the most interesting orientation day thus far.

9. I mean, they took us down to the morgue for crying out loud!

10. So of course I saw a dead body being pulled out of the refrigerator and caught a glimpse of an autopsy.

11. Then we went back to the skill lab and drew blood on each other.

12. I thank my new friend J for offering his arm. He is very gentleman-ly like that.

13. J has many a gorgeous vein that I was successful on first try.

14. Also, if you stick a needle in a person and see no flashback in the butterfly, do not--I repeat--DO NOT wiggle the needle trying to get into the person's vein!!!! It hurts, dammit!

15. I received a crash course on Jewish traditions (due to the large population at the hospital), which was interesting because I've never had this situation in Texas.

16. I miss Chick-fill-a and its sweet tea. And chicken fried steak with mash 'tatoes and biscuit.

17. I do not miss my car and driving.

18. I walk a lot here. A LOT.

19. My roommate's cats shed like there is no tomorrow.

20. Hence, the lint roller has become my new bestfriend.

21. I got a laptop. FINALLY.

22. So stay tune for more stories.

Toodles!

So, this is New York, eh?

2008-05-30T13:27:00.004-05:00

My first week in New York has been good. I had nothing to do except having to go to the hospital to get health paperworks done--an x-ray and blood draw while we were at it--and I was done. After that day I sat in the apartment thinking oookkaaay, what do I do now? I am not used to having all of this free time on my hands (see a few posts below), and it's like, I have no purpose in life, someone, help me! And let it be said that with free time comes spending money. A lot of money. 'Tis no good.... Need. to. stop. shopping. now.

So living arrangement wise, I'm getting used to it and liking it more and more each day. I live outside of Manhattan with a roommate, who has very kindly welcomed me into her cool apartment in a building with no elevator (*sighs*), who has two cats who are adorable and fluffy and cuddly and can be very weird a lot of times. I've lived with a roommate before, back when I went to Baylor University for a short while, but I've known said roommate before (we're good friends from high school). This time, it's a completely unknown person to me, a friend of an acquaintance, who I've only heard good things about. So this is something new--along with a lot of other new things I have to adapt to, but it's working out well. The roomie is super nice, and I like nice people, yes, I do.

Orientation for the internship starts bright and early on Monday at 8 am. Heh. 8 am is way to early for my brain to function, we'll see how that goes.... I'm getting anxious, wondering if I remember what they taught us in school. All kind of things are running through my head now that orientation is a few days away and actual work (on the Peds floor) is a week away. Do I remember how to take vitals manually? What are the baseline for pediatrics? Do I remember how to assess and know what to look for? Do I remember how to start IV? Draw blood? Give injections? Hang IV's? Holy crap, I am going to make a fool of myself aplenty! They're going to ship me back to Texas!!!

Wish me luck, I have a feeling this is going to be a very interesting 10 weeks. Very interesting....

I already don't like the taxi drivers....

2008-05-24T16:20:00.002-05:00

I have arrived in New York City, where I'm doing this summer externship. I arrived safe and sound, with no missing suitcases. I have to say, you gotta love on time flights and speeding pilots. I arrived 30 minutes ahead of schedule, yeah!

So I took the taxi to my friend's apartment because she doesn't have a car and we figure, well, her place is close to the airport anyway (10-15 minutes), hence, it wouldn't be much a problem. However, it became a problem when the taxi driver had no clue where he was going. As a result, what was supposed to be a 12-15 dollars ride ended up to be a 25 dollars ride. Thankfully, I had exactly 29 dollars in my wallet, to which I gave all to him. I still had no idea if I gave him too much or too little tip. If I'm going by how much I tip at restaurants, which is 20%, the tip should be 5 dollars. But then again, I'm on the pissy side because we got lost and the fare was double what it should be, so I was like oh well, buddy, you kinda deserve less than a dollar. But then again I felt bad because I had two suitcases he had to put in and out of the trunk. And it's not like I had a choice on how much to give, because 29 is all I had.

How much do you tip taxi drivers anyway? What's the rule of thumb? What happened if the driver got you lost?

I'm sticking to the subway for the remainder of my time here.

And so it begins.

2008-05-21T23:27:00.004-05:00

My duty as a maid of honor....

That is me reading those Dummies for Maid of Honor/Bridemaids, while my bestfriend--the Bride to be--browse floral and cakes for the wedding. I offer either a "nay", "yay", "eh", "meh", "heh", "blah", or "wow" when asked, and edit the written part of their wedding website amongst other things.

Um, now what?

2008-05-19T19:14:00.005-05:00

A quote courtesy of my friend's--F--facebook status: "What?! No Studying?! I don't even know what to do with myself!!!"

She couldn't be more right, because come on, the words "free time" don't exist much in the nursing students' vocabulary. So now that the do exist, it's like um, okay...really? Seriously? You mean, we can do whatever we want now?

My bestfriend asked me, as we went around to look for some of her wedding stuffs after I'm done with the short semester class (which is a walk in the park compared to the real semester btw), "Are you sure it's okay if we go to Borders to look at bridal magazines?" To which I answered, "Yea, it's alright. I have no homeworks. Omg, did I really just say that? I have no homework?!"

It feels VERY WEIRD that I can--for everyday of this week--go out with my bestfriend to finally fulfill my maid of honor duty and have scheduled lunch, dinner, and happy hour with a bunch of friends (Look, friends! Outside school friends! Who still remember me, yay!) before I leave for the internship. I am not complaining about the abundance of free time, but it doesn't erase the fact that it does feels strange--other wordly even--to go from being busy and chased by due dates to not having to worry about school.

For almost everyday of last week, I had to truly convince myself that no, I didn't have any deadline missed and yes, I really do have this much free time, because I felt like I was supposed to be doing some kind of school works when in reality, the only time we had to study in this elective class was for the midterm last Friday and the final this Friday. Oh, and I scored a 99 on the midterm, it was that easy.

I have time to read, I have time to exercise, I have time to pack, I have time to have lunches and dinners with friends without checking my watch thinking I have to get home soon to study or write papers, I have time to chat online with my friends, I have time to talk to my parents on the phone for more than 30 minutes, I have time to take a nap, I have time to change my car's oil on time along with getting it washed, I have time to do laundry before I realize I've run out of clean underwear, I have time to go on dessert runs.

I.finally.have.the.freaking.time.to do normal things and it is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Like, wow, I'm not calling what I'm doing procrastinating because well, there is nothing I'm procrastinating on--okay, I lie, maybe I am on procrastinating on this one thing called packing. Mostly, I call what I'm doing these days...vegging. Awesome!

Okay, enough of me blogging about being jaw-droppingly shocked having free time. I'm just being a dork.

Packing.

2008-05-12T16:33:00.005-05:00

Have I mentioned how much I hate packing? Because I do. Really do. Despise it with passion. And don't even mention unpacking, that is a whole other level of hatred.

But packing I must because I'm leaving for NYC in two weeks. It is more overwhelming than I thought it would be, I don't even know where to begin. Or maybe I'm just saying to cover the fact that I am truly afraid of packing for this move, because then it will be real that I am leaving--albeit for only a summer, and there is always something about leaving for an extended period of time--no matter to where--that scares the crap out of me. Or maybe it 's scary because I am leaving to work instead of just a summer vacation, I am actually being paid for my skills, the skills that are beyond serving food to costumers or putting books on the shelves or teaching math. However, it is a good scary methinks, the kind that is mixed with excitement and anticipation, the kind that is challenging and pushes me out of my comfort zone.

The plan is to bring one huge suitcase and a medium one, the huge one for clothes and the medium one for other things such as shoes and nursing stuffs (textbook(s) for reference, stethoscope, scrubs, and what have you). I figure I'd be in scrubs most of the time anyway, so I don't need to bring that many clothes. Plus, it is inevitable that a girl in NYC will shop. I mean, duh....

Now, I just wish I can have this packing done like in one of those cartoons where inanimate objects come alive, line themselves neatly, and jump into the suitcases one by one with impeccable organization while I sing a happy packing song in an overly cheerful voice. Oh, and help by the animal kingdom is also appreciated, but only little birdies and squirrels are welcomed though, no cockroaches or rats please. And then I happily skip my way to the airport with the suitcases dancing their way too behind me. Ah, how wonderful life would be.... Obviously, I watched too much of those fairy tale Disney movies growing up (Cinderella was my favorite, I have to say).

Anyway, I also found out that I will intern on the pediatrics floor. NICU was my first choice and to be honest, I am slightly disappointed they weren't able to grant me that. Nevertheless, pediatrics would be an amazing place to learn from as well. So I'm excited. And scared. And I still hate packing. And moving. And I hope New York will be nice to me.

Auf wiedersehen, Junior II!!

2008-05-07T19:03:00.003-05:00

I can proudly say that I have officially finished (and survived) my second semester of nursing school. HUZZAAH!!! Today is my last final and I am D-O-N-E with Junior II semester. WOOT!!!

I took the OB final and scored an 85 on it, giving me an 86 in the class. I have an 80 in Adult Health, and two A's in the two 2 credit hours classes. I'm still waiting for the final grade in another 2 credit hours class. I'm hoping for an A in that class so I can have 2 B's for the big classes and 3 A's for the small classes.

So relieved and happy to be done. I come back for a short semester on Monday for nursing elective, and leave for the internship right after that. Can't wait!!!

Finals week, day 1

2008-05-05T11:04:00.004-05:00

That Adult Health exam just killed me. I felt like I guessed my way through all 100 questions. I'm dead.

Next is OB.

Oy....

A whole new world.

2008-04-30T13:31:00.003-05:00

In less than a month, I will leave the great state of Texas to spend the summer in the great state of New York, where I'll be doing my internship. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and scared all mixed into one. It's getting closer and I still find it hard to believe that I've gotten into this program, not to mention that I'm spending 3 months in NYC, one of my favorite places.

I got my tickets and I got a place to live for the summer (with a cool roommate to boot!). Then, my friend Stepha will visit me the weekend before I start orientation, and if last summer's vacation in New York is any indication, we're going to have a blast this year too. Eeeeeppss! I'm so stoked for this summer! It's going to be one heck of an experience, I can hardly wait! I've got 3 finals and a short semester to go before I can leave though, but oh wells, I have greater things to look forward to once I get over those.

Oh and one of my bestfriends is coming for a visit this weekend, yay! She wanted to visit me in New York but she can't due to her busy rotation (she's in PA school) this summer. So she's just
going to visit me now and we're going to try on bridesmaids' dresses for our bestfriend's wedding. FUNNESS!

And yes, I fully realize that am going out the Saturday before finals. But hey, I've been studying this week so it's a much deserved break, and it's not every weekend I get to go out with my girls.
Plus, I would like to come in next week and actually be somewhat sane when I do those exams.

I hope your summer is looking wonderful too!

Death.

2008-04-24T22:30:00.003-05:00

On our last day of clinical, my instructor called me out in the hallway. She said, “Cee, come over here and stand with me outside this patient’s room.” As I walked apprehensively toward her, she spoke once again, “The door is open and I want you to look inside. Tell me what you see with the patient. Think out loud for me.”

I saw an old lady, grey haired, small in stature, sitting up on the bed, using her left elbow for support. “She’s breathing through her mouth,” I told her.

My instructor nodded, a gleam in her eyes. Knowing I said what she had hoped I noticed, I continued, “You can see clearly her chest is rising up and down.”

“And she’s sitting up on the bed,” my instructor replied.

I looked at the patient again, “Leaning forward.” Right then, a realization struck me and with an alarm look I turned to my instructor, “She’s having trouble breathing. She can’t breathe.”

Instructor smiled and nodded, calmly she pulled me away from the room. “Let’s go see what we can find about her,” she said. Off we went to the nurse’s station to find the patient’s chart and the nurses taking care of her. In the meanwhile, my mind raced with thoughts of why we aren’t helping her and where was the charge nurse.

I didn’t realize I was fidgeting until my instructor spoke again, this time to the charge nurse, “Cee here noticed that your patient in room 10 can’t breathe.” There was that glint again in her eyes when she informed the charge nurse, “We were standing in front of the room, and she saw that the patient has trouble breathing.”

The charge nurse smiled, and my brows furrowed, there wasn’t anything to be smiled about in this situation, so I thought.

“She has a long history of COPD and a primary lung cancer that has metastasized. Her heart is not pumping properly. She’s having fibrillation and flutter,” the charged nurse informed me.

“Oh…,” I uttered, taken aback by the sheer reality of the patient’s condition.

The charge nurse pointed to a group of physicians gathering a few feet away from us, “See that, they’re deciding what to do for her. If we intubate her, she may never wake up. If we don’t, she’s not going to make it past 24-48 hours from now. If her family agrees, we will take comfort measures and let her pass.”

“Wow…,” I whispered sadly.

“But you noticed,” my instructor told me, “You noticed that she’s having problem breathing. Not a lot of nurses will.”

“But it was obvious…,” I disagreed.

My instructor shook her head, “You’d be surprised at how many don’t see it. But you did, and there is a lot you can do even though her condition is terminal. You know she won’t tolerate any activity, you know not to have her do any activity because anything can break her.”

“I guess,” I said, accepting her input.

“You see here?” The charge nurse brought the chart over, “Someone wrote for a PT consult for her, do you think it would be a good idea?”

“No,” I replied. “She can’t tolerate any activity and it may…kill her.”

Both my instructor and charge nurse smiled again, “You got it. You’re right.”

With that, the charge nurse left, my instructor did too, “You did good, I’m proud of you.”

I stood there, trying to figure out what was that for, and to be honest, I was quite resentful to my instructor for doing that to me because I felt like I didn’t need to know of a patient that wasn’t mine was dying and I had the image of that patient’s trying to breathe in my head. I had a lot on my plate from school already, and I’m drained, and I just felt I don’t need to have this reminder that I just saw an old lady who wouldn’t be alive in the next 2 days. I still can’t get the image of that day out of my head, I still think of what happened to her, and how her family is dealing with her death.

I know that one day I will witness my own patient’s death. It is inevitable with the career I’ve chosen, but I’m not ready for that yet, even when it wasn’t directly my patient. I still want to see life in everyone I come across, not impending death. I’ve seen death, I saw a dead 24 weeks fetus, and though I still can’t forget that image, I didn’t know anything about it. I saw it in the hall, heard the story from the nurses who were taking care of it, and that was it. I didn’t see the mother, I didn’t see it delivered, and I had no previous contact.

I guess it’s just still weird for me to see that lady that day and to see her struggling for one more breath, knowing that it was more or less futile and wondering two days later if she was still alive or not. Hopefully, as I go further in this career I’ll find a better way to deal with death and to not let it affect me.

Seriously!

2008-04-22T13:32:00.003-05:00

Just as I am determined to stop the doh! moments, my brain refused to co-operate and continues farting, and in the process humiliates me even more. I am sure by now my friends are wondering how the heck did I get into nursing school....

Doh! moment exhibit 1235263512362:

Cee saw J, a friend in the same OB group and who she used to carpool with to the hospital, who sat a few rows in front of her. Mind you, clinical has been over for 2 weeks now, and we have not carpooled since then, and today we start our series of group presentations.

Cee: "Hey! Are you presenting today?"

J looked at me funny and mouthed: "I'm in your group!"

Cee did not understand and mouthed back: "What??!!"

J looked at me strange: "We're together!"

Cee still did not get it: "Huh?! I can't hear you!"

O, who sat next to me: "She said she and you are in the same group TOGETHER!!!!"

Cee: "Oh...right...."

*HEADDESKS*

Wow, my brain is fried....

Doh!

2008-04-21T17:14:00.003-05:00

Doh! moment number 1823623563513 :

Last night I was so exhausted I went to bed without setting my alarm, hence my waking up at 7 am today. SEVEN!!! And I have a group meeting at EIGHT!!! And it takes me one hour to get to school with the bus!!! *headdesks* Needless to say, I have never done my morning routine as fast as I did this morning.

Obviously, I missed my group meeting. Thankfully, my group mates were forgiving. Desperately, the doh! moments need to stop.

Blargh

2008-04-19T07:29:00.005-05:00

I'm diagnosing myself with burning out related to ineffective coping with stress secondary to nursing school as evidenced by excessive fatigue, "doh!" moments, and whining.

This isn't a good time for me, I've got 2 group presentations, 6 essays for the take home final, 2 more assignment for research class, and 3 final exams in the next 3 weeks. Lord help me....

Lost.

2008-04-16T20:44:00.004-05:00

I just lost my USB drive, the one that has all my works from last semester until now. Every care plans, every papers, every group projects, everything.

I cried.

I probably only have 1/3--at the most--of those documents on my hard drive, because I mostly do my work at school so the ones I have on my computer are outdated. That USB is my baby, I'm mostly bumped that I lost the care plans I did this semester because I worked my ass off on those and they're great care plans, unlike the crappy ones I did last semester.

At least the fact that those complete documents that I lost are things I have already submitted comforts me. Of the current paper I've been working on, I miraculously have saved it on my PC and have only lost 2 paragraphs. Thank God.

I was so happy today because it's the last Acute clinical. But now I'm sad. So very sad. :(

Papers.

2008-04-13T21:58:00.003-05:00

The amount of papers I have to write for the remainder of this semester is insane!. I've still got 3 discussions, 3 journals, 1 module (which is a compilation of 5 assignments a.k.a 5 papers), and 2 group projects to write/do, and those are all I'll be doing for the next 3 weeks. Nothing but type type type and type, write write write and write.

And i can't stop procrastinating, of course. I am just so tired and so over this semester. I just hate the last quarter the semester because I have no energy left, I'm tired, and I'm whiny. I just want it to be over noooooowww!!! See? Whiny.

Wish me luck as I go on this straight path to the Carpal tunnel syndrome lane....

Last.

2008-04-11T09:53:00.005-05:00

Last night was my last OB clinical, and I was sad to leave. I have truly enjoyed the experience due to my amazing instructor, who has a wide range of experience and tries so hard to let us see and do things we've never seen an done before. She is amazing. My friend said, "If I could have all of my clinicals with her for the rest of my school career, I would". I agree, she's just so wonderful, and I'll miss her.

The hospital we were at is not one of the magnet hospital in this city, it's a general hospital where the low income population and everyone else who has no insurance go to. I knew of the fact that I will not have an encounter with, as my instructor said when we started, "the Gerber baby family" who lives in the suburbs, 2 cars, 2 stories house with a front and back lawns and white picket fences surrounding it. It's an entirely new and different experience for me, but I'm so grateful I had the experience.

It taught me what being a nurse is about, that when you care for your patients, you see past what society has labeled them and you just see them as persons who need you and your care, and that is who they are. Their history may say they're drug addicts and the CPS is going to take their baby away, or they're brought from jail with one leg chained to the bed, or they're 37 weeks who've had no prenatal care and not taken any prenatal vitamins, or they're unmarried teens with their 2nd baby, but you don't dwell on that piece of fact. They don't deserve less medical attention based on what their history says, they still need the doctors and you, as their nurse to care for them. I love what my nurse said last week, "When you take care of a patient, you take care of them like you take care your family. You'd want them to be comfortable and you'd make them comfortable". And that is one of the things I will take with me throughout my career.

Last night was great for a last clinical day. I got to draw blood and saw another C-section, this time less traumatizing for the mother--and me for that matter. A complete opposite of the C-section last week, phew. The mother was actually my patient that was admitted to the triage. They were going to admit her to Mother-Baby, but at last decided she would go for a C-section due to a few circumstances. Then after the baby was out, the surgeons lifted up the uterus for us--4 nursing students lined up against the wall--to see and showed us the ovaries and what not.

One other thing to mention about that, is it was very nice of the surgeons to do that, but my friends and I still joke that they did so because they felt guilty about kicking us out of the OR in the beginning. It was all good though, we knew they were really concern about the amount of people in the OR as they were prepping and fear of contaminating the sterile field. So after one of them contaminated her gown when one of the staff accidentally touched her, she ordered us to "stay outside and come in after the baby was out or something". We were like "What?! Until the baby out?! What the heck?!" So we watched from the window until they made the first cut, and she actually sent a nurse to get us back in before we were going to sneak back in regardless of waiting until "after the baby out or something". Afterward, as we were about to start post conference, she came to find us and apologize for earlier, so that was very nice of her. See? Doctors and surgeons are nice, and I like them a lot when they're that way.

So that is it. That is the end of OB clinical this semester. Wow, I can't believe Junior II is ending in a matter of 4 weeks. Yesterday, I also registered for next semester as Senior I. It's surreal, time has really gone by fast. It seems like it was just yesterday that I started this blog to journal my journey (heeey, rhymes!) as I started nursing school.

Senior I. Dang.

I like today.

2008-04-09T18:52:00.003-05:00

I like today because I had a very pleasant patient who was interested in learning and appreciated me, a student.

I like today because I had a charge nurse who didn't mind a student and she taught me how to give meds. through a J-tube, charting, and more.

I like today because my instructor told us today that we have NO MORE CARE PLAN TO DO!!!

I like today because I know tomorrow is my last OB clinical and next Wednesday is my last Acute clinical.

However, I don't like today because I have to submit an article critique by 2359 and I'm dead tired and I have 40% to go.

Empty seats.

2008-04-07T18:54:00.003-05:00

Who skipped the lecture this morning to study for OB test and do the papers due this week?

60% of the class! Yours truly included.

Now, I don't know whether I'm ashamed of skipping class or actually proud that it's taken me this long to do so. I mean, five more weeks left to school and this is my first skip of the semester?! Open that record book, please.

In another unrelated news, my bestfriend is getting married early January! Woot! I'm so happy for her!

I am officially the maid of honor, and will be at her service with all the wedding planning. Today, we went to see the possible church for the ceremony and to a bridal shop to browse possible dresses. Yes, I skipped class and I went out. A day before a test. I must've felt like I'm a God with the power to know all the correct answers tomorrow or something when I made that decision. (Actually, I am thisclose to be done with studying and I am thisclose to finishing all my papers for this week. Okay, so maybe I did feel like I'm God.....)

I'm sure I would want to kill myself once it's sunk in that I'll be juggling nursing school on top of helping with this wedding planning jigmajig, which includes throwing a killer bachelorette party.

I'll let you know how it goes from my deathbed.

Fetal demise, PIH C-section, late decels all in one night.

2008-04-04T10:33:00.005-05:00

Last night was all kind of things mixed into one. I mean, damn, was it a full moon or something?!

Before I ramble on, you might wanna stop reading if you're squeamish.

So, it started off slow, my patient was 5 cm when I came in and stable. After a few hours with her, I ventured around the corner to where my two group mates were, and that's when I saw something odd in the basinet next to the baby warmer across from us. It was a bunched bloody blanket and I saw a surface of red flesh and I thought it as a placenta and wondering why would they wrapped a placenta and put it in the basinet?

My friends spotted the same thing and all three of us went to take a closer look, and that was when the nurses told us that earlier that evening a 24 weeks mom had come in saying she hasn't felt the baby moved in a week. Sure enough, it was a fetal demise, and she was induced to give birth to a stillborn baby.

I will never forget what I saw last night, I don't think I will ever that image of the nurse unwrapping the blanket to reveal the red glob of fetus beneath it out of my mind. Judging by the appearance of the fetus: red, floppy with no apparent bone structure (it looked like a red blob of Jell-o or a red water balloon), underdeveloped features, and peeling of the skin, they were thinking it died due to chromosomal abnormalities and that it had died a week or more before the mom came in last night. As I went back to my patient's room, I caught a glimpse to the stillborn's mother's room, where silent grief enveloped the family that had gathered there. I said a prayer for them.

My patient, in the meanwhile, was progressing slowly, only going from 5 cm to 6 cm, so the doctor order the Pitocin to speed it up. Sure enough, minutes later late decels started showing up on the monitor and it was a "Holy crap! Is that what they meant when they talked about that in class?!!" moment for me. We turned the mom to the sides, put her on O2, and turned the pit off.

It's funny because in class, my instructor taught us a song to help us remember what to do when decels happen, and that exactly what was done last night. I'm still getting used to the feeling when things I've studied in the textbook happen in front of my eyes, it's like "HEEEEYYY!!!", the dots connected, light bulb goes on, whatever.

Mother and baby were okay after that, and nearing the end of my shift, my instructor came around telling us that she was going to sneak us into a C-section in a few minutes after they got the mother settled down and ready to go. The mom was 32 weeks along with PIH and overweight, which is not a good combination for the surgeons and the anesthesiologists.

They started and not long after that the patient started moaning and you can see everyone was alarmed, but the anesthesia team reassured that she was just feeling uncomfortable from the tugging and retracting they surgeons were doing to try to locate the uterus. As they cut through more layers of fat, the patient started groaning and it got louder and louder.

My friends and I looked at each other wide eyed, thinking "What in the world?!!", then we saw the surgical tech and my instructors rolling their eyes and giving each other "What the hell are they doing?!!!" It was bizarre to see someone with their abdomen open and blood flowing out and hearing them making noises that indicate that she is obviously in PAIN!

All this time, the surgeons continued to try to get to the baby as fast as they could, and the anesthesia team announced to the room whatever everything they cannot do because she was so large and hypertensive with low platelets therefore the pending complications, and I was just screaming in my head "DO SOMETHING, SHE IS IN PAIN!!!!"

They finally got the baby out after a series of groaning from the mom, who was still groaning as they sew the uterus. The baby needed intubation and some helped to breath, but the NICU team finally go the baby to cry, so that was good. We left right after that and didn't see the rest of that procedure.

I had no idea why the anesthesia didn't seem to work completely and why the team couldn't get it right. I knew the mother posts a series of complications but it doesn't mean you would just let her feel the pain of her surgery. Uncomfortable? Okay. Pressure? Okay. Pain? Oh hell no! That's not right, but unfortunately, it happens.

So that was my night on the OB floor yesterday. It was a night to remember for sure.

Nice and slow.

2008-03-31T21:01:00.005-05:00

A scene from last week:

Me (with CI following behind): Patient B, I have your heparin shot to give. This is my instructor, by the way.

Patient B: Alright, how many time have you give this shot?

Me: *nervous laughs and thinks "well, there were those dummies...."*

Patient B: *kinda laughing kinda nervous* I'm your first, aren't I? Yes, I am, aren't I?

CI: Come on, Cee, be honest!

Me: Yeah, this is my first time.

Patient B: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!!

Me: Would you rather...?

Patient: It's okay, you can give it, just remember to give it nice and slow. NICEANDSLOW, REMEMBER?!! NICE AND SLOOOOOOOOOOOWW....

Me: Gotcha.

As I was pushing the plunger:

CI (whispering behind me): youredoinggreatyouredoinggreatyouredoinggreat....

Patient B (on my face): niceandslowniceandslowniceandslowniceandslow....

Me: *thinks "I am pushing it NICEANDSLOW, dammit!!!" and reminds self to take deep breaths*

The one where I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!!!

2008-03-28T15:54:00.002-05:00

HOLY FANTASTIC BATMAN!!!! I finally got the long awaited "Are you still interested because you have been accepted" phone call earlier today. HECK YEAH!!! Are you kidding me? I have been waiting for this! PHEW!

This is the out of town internship by the way, my first choice, the one I really really really wanted, and I am just so happy and relief I got in. I just want to thank you my people who have wished me lucked, prayed for me, and gave me support and encouragement from the moment I started compiling the application to when I sent it to when I got the interview to now. The call today wouldn't have been what it is without those prayers.

I have yet to come down from the clouds over this, I'm so grateful and excited for this summer!

Pick me, choose me, HIRE me!

2008-03-25T16:43:00.003-05:00

So I haven't received anything from the out of town internship hospital and I called today. Apparently they are having the final meeting by the end of this week or early next week, and the most that they can tell me is that I am in the final group to be considered for the 15 positions they offer. The guy said I should call back at the end of next week, or if they decide earlier than that, they'd call the 15 people who get the internship.

More waiting for me, but that's okay. After a month of waiting, what's another 2 weeks, right? Plus, I am just relieved that I survived the elimination and made it to the final round. Dang, this sounds like American Idol, except with no singing and judging and public voting.

I haven't heard anything from the in town internship either, although my friend who already works there as a CNA and applied for the summer internship has been offered the position, but no one else in our class who applied has head anything other than that.

So for now, I'm just sittin', wishin', hopin'....

Ack.

2008-03-21T13:18:00.004-05:00

So this is what the week after Spring Break looks like for me:

Monday
-0900-0900: Tutoring (I'm a tutor, I need money).
-0900-1100: Big Acute test #2.
-1100-1200: They make us sit for a lecture after test.
-1200-1400:Tutoring.
-Must. exercise. afterward.

Tuesday
-0800-1300: Lectures.
-1330-?: Pick up patient.
-The rest of the day: Drugs sheets and prepping for clinical the next day.

Wednesday
-0645-1600/1700: Clinical and post conference.
-The rest of the day: CRASH.

Thursday
-Before 2 pm: prepping for clinical, last minute care plan/paperworks.
-3pm-11pm: clinical and post conference.

Friday
-1100-1500 or more: Shadowing in the PICU.
-1900-2200: Care group at church.

Saturday
-1100-1500 or more: Shadowing in the OR.
-1730: HAIRCUT!!! Exciting because it took me months to finally call in to schedule, I blame it on nursing school. It's either I didn't have time or I simply forgot. My hair is now caveman style.

In all of this, also fit it time to do care plans, journals/discussions/module for those annoying online classes, and study. Oh and an hour commute to and from school. Now that I put it down in writing, it doesn't look that bad, and I just realized I'll be at the hospital Wednesday-Saturday o_o. But I'm quite excited actually because of the shadowing. I greatly enjoy it, when else can I taste the different department if not now when I'm still a student? I can't wait for Friday and Saturday.

Have a great weekend and Happy Easter!

Lost in Translation.

2008-03-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

The hospital I'm at for OB clinical is a county hospital where the majority of the patients is of the Spanish speaking population. In the time that I've been there this past month or so, I've only come across one who can speak both English and Spanish. Have you seen the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler and Tea Leoni? The experience is something like that. Language barrier sucks, I tell you.

The first clinical was something else, I thank God for my Spanish freaking friends, otherwise the patient and I would be playing charade/gesture the whole night. I don't think she'd appreciate that. I bet that resident taking the history thanked her lucky stars too, she was flipping through her neat pocket notebook with cutouts of medical questionnaires in Spanish and stumbling through the pronunciation. Though I feel for her because we're on the same boat, I still have to say it was comical.

Anyway, so after that beginning part, patient was ruled to be "safe", only needing monitoring for an hour or so. Of course me, being a student nurse, is responsible for that. So I sat by her, reading the fetal monitor, and then silence.

*crickets*

*crickets*

Patient looked at me, obvious concern in her eyes. I smiled and said, while pointing to her pregnant belly, "Bebe es okay, I mean, bien," and then I gave her a thumb's up.

Wow, way to go Cee. You took how many years of Spanish in high school? Two. Yes, and how many semesters of Spanish in college? Two. Yes, and that's all you managed to say?! *headdesks*

Silence pretty much consumed the room that night. I felt HORRIBLE. I wanted to talk her, I wanted to comfort her, I wanted to build that rapport with her, but I can't. Other than "Me llamo Cee, soy estudiante de enfermera, como esta?", this girl right here no se habla Espanol! I understand conversation (phew, at least I got something out of those Spanish classes) but as far as speaking go, well, it's a no go! It brought me back to the first time I stepped on the soil of this country, back when I was fourteen and only knowing little English. Frustrated I say, frustrated!

Then 2 weeks ago I was in Mother-Baby, the floor where conversing to laboring mother would be, you know, beneficial. Again, I felt horrible that I couldn't talk to her, couldn't comfort her, nothing. All I could do was to sit by her, watching the monitor, touched her hand when the contractions hit, and held her when she got the epidural (before the nurse took over and told me I should watch how they put in the epidural). I hated that I couldn't tell her what I was about to do when I had to put in a straight cathether.

I was there for about 5 hours and all I said to her were:
- The introduction, which I said in English and the nurse translated, so this doesn't really count.
- "Bebe es nina or nino?", in which she answered "nina".
-"Su esposa?", when I came in to find there was a man in the room, in which she nodded and said "si".
- "Puje, puje, puje, mas, mas!", which I chanted with my charge nurse as she gave birth.
-"Es nina!", which I exclaimed when the baby was out.
- a "Congratulation" in plain English because my brain does fart sometimes, usually when I need it not to.

I've got four more clinicals at this hospital I think, so we'll see how much Spanish I could pick up. The fact that I just discovered a English-Spanish translations on the back of my OB clinical pocket book also helps. I'm quite surprised that I actually managed to find this before clinical ends.

Break.

2008-03-18T18:11:00.005-05:00

So Spring Break is here, and I love it. Okay, I won't exactly love it starting tomorrow because that is when I start slaving away with homeworks and studying and what not.

That said, this past 5 days of a very much needed break have been wonderful. This past weekend I went on a little trip to a beach, we fished, we did puzzle, I finished a book. Yesterday and today, I slept in, I youtubed (very addicting), and I shopped. Maaaarvelous time I say!

And in case you didn't notice, I said I FINISHED reading a book! My first one this year, and my first in MONTHS! This may sound ridiculous to you, but finishing this book is one of the things I most proud of in the last 9 months. I love to read, and I usually (meaning pre-nursing school) read a book--if not 2--a month, it depends, but all in all I read regularly. That changed once I started nursing school, since last August I could only recall reading 4 books. That is sad.

My read list has grown longer and longer, I've wanted to read so badly, yet I kept telling myself I had not time and I'd feel guilty if I'm straying from those daunting nursing textbooks. But that ended earlier this month when I braved myself into a budget bookstore and grabbed me 2 books. TWO! I didn't know buying books could make me that happy, and finishing made me even more so.

Somewhere in the middle of the school chaos, I found time, I found it therapeutic, and I fell in love all over again with reading. And yes, I realized that sounds the so cheesy, but dammit, I didn't feel guilty about having a me time and I'm going to brag about it! Okay so, book numero uno, Middlesex by the way, is done, book numero dos, Snow falling on Cedars, is next. Also next are studying for big Acute test #2, Acute and OB care plans, journal papers, discussion papers, and some kind of project I haven't even look at.

My Spring Break ends today. Boo....

Update on the internship: NONE. Letter still has not arrived. I'm getting antsier and antsier by day.

Dream.

2008-03-13T23:24:00.004-05:00

Last night, I had a dream that I got the out of town internship that I wanted. When I was a kid, someone told me that what happens in your dream, the opposite will happen in reality, but, I know some who say otherwise. The point is, I am never one to read into dreams or to be superstitious, so I'm not going to read into this. It probably happened because it's been on my mind a lot, and I have been anxiously waiting for the answer now that it is mid-March, which when the recruiter said I will receive the yes or no letter.

Anyway, clinical went well tonight, I was on postpartum. Post-conference, though, was something else. Have I ever said that my OB CI is a comedienne as well? Well, let it be said now that she is HIL-freaking-ARIOUS!

And and and, SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!!! WAAAHOOOO!!!! Granted, I have to study for the big ass Acute test the Monday we come back, but pssshhh, I can still SLEEP in for a week! A WEEK, I say! *dances*

Confoozled.

2008-03-12T17:31:00.002-05:00

I hate one of my online classes. I really do. And you know it's not just you who 1). hate it 2). don't have a clue of what to do for this assignment 3). thinks it's a waste of time when you've got 10 calls since morning 1). asking what the heck we're doing 2). including a few expletives and 3). most of those calls were repeat callers.

I really don't like you, online class, really really don't like you.

Rainy days and Mondays

2008-03-11T18:12:00.005-05:00

I forgot I took this with my phone yesterday, but this is what I saw from school 2 hours before I had to walk to the hospital for the interview. I can clearly see the strong wind blowing the rain from the window, and for a second I considered calling the recruiter to let them know I might be coming in completely drenched in rain water.

Thank God, the rain stopped pouring by the time I had to make the trek to the hospital. It was still raining, but I manage to stay dry from ankles up. Phew! And good thing I wore black pants!

Um, like, you know....

2008-03-10T18:36:00.003-05:00

I don't know what to think of the interview today. I interviewed with the first person and was asked the general interview questions, and I did well. It was the second part with a different person that I struggled. I was able to answer the questions without stuttering or saying um's, like's, but still, I'm not feeling all that confident about it. I was asked a lot of scenario type of questions, a lot of "what would you do if" and "how would you handle it if" questions. We'll see how I did when I hear from them in April. I'm still waiting on a notice from the out of town one, the letter should get here this week or next week at the latest, but it needs to get here sooooon!!! I want to knooooow!!!

Oh baby!

2008-03-07T17:55:00.002-06:00

I don't know if I like the fact that babies just pop out whenever, wherever, and however they want. Las night I was on mother-baby, which, I'm not going to lie, tres boring. The mama was progressing very slowly, only opening 1 cm more every 2 hours. She was 3 cm when I came and was 5 cm an hour before I had to leave. In the meanwhile, my friend's patient had the baby within 30 minutes of us stepping on the floor. My other friend's patient had the baby 2 hours later. So there I was thinking, well that's it for me, no birth witnessing for me tonight. Bah humbug....

But half an hour before I had to leave for post conference, my nurse check the cervix because patient said she was having a lot of pressure in her pelvic. Lo and behold, we got a 10 cm and a baby in the birth canal on its way out. Alright! Let's get this show started!

The birth went smoothly, plus, my instructor wasn't mad that I was late to post conference. In my defense, I was by the bed and can't get out anyway with the doctors and the equipment tray in the way. Honest to blog, I was stuck, and heck yeah I'm glad I was stuck!

By the way, this letter for the out of town externship just could not come any slower. I wanna knoooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!

The one with the job interview, part deux.

2008-03-06T09:19:00.004-06:00

So a magnet hospital in town called Tuesday evening to schedule an interview for the externship job this summer. This is the only hospital in town I applied to and I've been waiting for this call, so it was a nice to finally heard from them. It's the same hospital I had my problematic (see previous post) Acute clinical at, and when they called, I was actually there picking up a patient. Anyhoo, interview is scheduled for Monday afternoon after class.

I haven't heard from the out of town externship I had the phone interview for. I should hear from it sometimes next week, or the week after at the latest. We shall see.

I think I'm handling the anxiety/fear/nervous level I wrote about the previous post about Acute clinical better this week. I wasn't as much of a wreck as I had been two weeks before, and that's a good improvement. I think my charge nurse was part of the reason too, she was so nice and helpful, plus my CI knows who the R.N. well and trusts her. Hence, I was left alone for the most part. Also, CI let me do a procedure (empty and change a stoma bag and stoma care) with an R.N. without her being in the room! When I first told CI the opportunity had come up and asked if she could be there so I can do it, I was thinking I'd be lucky if she even wants me to do it and be in the room, let alone leave with me with the nurse, because she's very adamant about us not being able to do anything if she's not there, even if we have the R.N. teaching/watching.

So this week was a week of surprises, a good week to my anxiety and worry ridden self. Also, prayers work, they really do.

On the more serious note.

2008-03-03T20:37:00.004-06:00

So I'm going to be open and talk about feelings for a little bit. Yes, feelings and all things personal, because when I decided to make this blog it's not for fame or millions visits per day or anything like that, I wanted it to be a diary of my journey through nursing school so that I could look back at the written memories (and I'm only lucky and grateful when I see the few comments and support here and there) someday, and those include the good and the bad. And this post particularly about the bad and I think it should be written as a part of the memory.

Remember a few posts back when I wrote about the gruel that is the Adult/Acute (I keep forgetting what I call this class/clinical on this blog, let's just say it's Acute because next semester it's Chronic) clinical? Well, at first I look at it a t a challenge--well, I still do, in a sense. But I think it's either that first week I got grilled really shook me bad or I just want to be good at it so bad or I'm just plain so overwhelmed that I have this feeling of being terrorized by this clinical. This nightmare of I'm going to mess up and my instructor is going to chew me out for it, in front of everybody nonetheless.

I have this nervousness comes Monday night because Tuesday I have to pick a patient and it will keep me up late to do the drugs information and calculation and do a sort of plan of care for the next morning. Then this anxiousness comes Tuesday night and I couldn't sleep well because of it. Then this fear come and stay with me from the moment I wake up Wednesday morning until I finish clinical. And the thing that bothers me the most is that I know I'm worrying for nothing because I've done good so far, yet I can't shake the nervous, the anxiety, and the fear off. I know I made up for that first week, CI even praised my care plan, I know she knows I'm trying and I'm prepared. All I want is to come to clinical without having this unreasonable fear and doubt that are just, ugh, so negative!

Dang it, positive thinking, where did you go?!!

I don't like this me. Something has just been "off" with me lately, can't pinpoint exactly what. Something--or things--just changed and I'm...different, I guess. I feel like I'm back to being a teenager, in that awkward stage and not knowing who I am, trying to figure things out. It's as if everything I know of just shifted, and if only I know how to catch up with it. It could be the stress too that is getting into me, this past month and a half has been a blur of a lot of thing that are just chaotic in nature.

Needless to say, I've made an appointment to see the school counselor sometimes soon. I figure I'd better make use of this "free" service--well, we paid for it in our tuition, but it's still not paying $200/hour to sit on a shrink's couch anywhere else in this city.

Plus, there is nothing like telling your friends "Hey, I have an appointment with my shrink on this day at this time!" and watching their faces change when they assume you're this damaged little soul with so many problems that you need a psychologist's help.

I'm just kidding.

Anyway, hopefully I'd grow out of this weird phase soon.

The one with the poo.

2008-02-28T23:17:00.003-06:00

Okay, I get it. I get why parents can be obsessed with their baby's poops.

I spent today's clinical at the newborn nursery, and having changed many poopy diapers, all I want to tell my friends now is the many kind of poops I saw. I mean, did you know that a cutie patootie baby can generate a poop of gross epic proportion?! And it that color?! And in that form?!! And that often?! Who would've thunk it?!

I also believe my kidlet invented a new game called "Oops, I did it again!", in which I change the dirty diaper, turn around for a second to dump it in the trash, only to find upon return that the kidlet has pooped--again--and peed--again. Anyway, today was a good one--a really good one--aside from how many times my baby pooped.

Oh, one more thing, counting newborn's heart rate is another story. It sounds easy when they say "You count for 6 seconds then times 1o", not so easy when heart rate goes 123456789101112131415 in 6 seconds.... I think I lost track and had to redo it several times before getting it right. Oh, and I gave erythromycin eye ointment and vitamin K shot. Yay!

And by now I am also tone deaf to newborn cries....

Different.

2008-02-26T16:35:00.002-06:00

I just made my first C of the semester and I'm not even feeling bummed. Usually, I'd be disappointed, today I'm like...blah, whatever.

This is very weird.

First, I didn't care about studying (I made a high B on that test luckily) and now I don't care that I got a C?! Something is wrong. I don't quite like this new "I don't care" mode. It unnerves me.

The day in the life.

2008-02-21T23:29:00.005-06:00

What a nursing student does in her rare day off:

I cleaned my room.

I pulled out my cousin's unused desk from the garage, went to Target to get me some cheap bookcase, put away the piles of clothes on my bed and on the bathroom floor, and pretty much get things off the floor.

All of those was long over due and the result is a far cry from this picture I posted a few posts back. Although, give me two weeks--or a month top--and I will have clothes and books littered on the floor. And another month will go by before I get a chance to tidy up again.

Just another part of being a nursing student who always runs out of time....